The Law of the Playground
the letter s
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This was a game played in the changing rooms, after the class had spent an hour and a half running around in freezing mud. Proceedings would commence by flinging a wet muddy sock into the air. If the sock landed on someone, there would follow a cry of, "Uuurgh! You got sock, mi lad!", and the game would continue.
There were only two possible end scenarios to this game. Either somebody would get beaten up, or a fight would break out. In either instance, acts of violence will be largely ignored by the games teacher, in a "let them sort it out amongst themselves" kind of way, faintly reminiscent of the interracial basketball match scene in the film Scum.
approved Dec 2 2005, submitted Nov 4 2005 by Eight Ace
A simple ruse. Suggest a competition to see who can hit the other person the softest. Allow the victim to go first. After he has lightly tapped you on the shoulder, you let him have it with a perfect dead-arm, before informing him that he has won.
Warning. This trick is EMINENTLY REVERSIBLE. It is probably wise to ask if your friend has ever played "softest punch" before. Remember - they get the first punch.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
A group of boys stand in a circle around a biscuit, wanking. The last one to spunk on it has to eat it. An urban myth?
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 7 2003 by Slab Ghost
Let me run with this one, Slab Ghost. A while ago I was curious about whether this was an urban myth, myself. It had all the hallmarks; I'd never met anyone who'd played it, but everyone seemed to know someone who had. So I asked 1866 men how close they had got to this near-legendary game. Here are the results.

Poll graphic taken from OUTintheUK
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 17 2003 by Jon Blyth
You really do have too much time on your hands, Log, my dear man.
approved Oct 20 2003, submitted Oct 19 2003 by Name Withheld
that's not time, *penski. Time isn't that sticky.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Out of interest, what the fuck does "E: Other" apply to? Am I to believe that 10.2% of the people you asked have perhaps refereed a game or coached a player? Is "training for soggy biscuit" an optional part of the Sports Psychology A Level?
approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 25 2003 by dan upright
Maybe they provided the biscuit.
approved Nov 4 2003, submitted Oct 30 2003 by anonymous user
Glasweigan name for wet toilet roll, thrown onto the roof or wall to lend it a stipply 3D effect. Once dried, new layers can me applied. Soggy boggies are also effective as a non-lethal short-range weapon.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Steve McDonald
A medical complaint where the nose becomes soggy and spreads sideways across the face. Used to insult anyone with larger than average nostrils.
The inventor had meant the insult to be a clever reference to the computer game company "Psygnosis". The fact that no-one realised this meant the insult caught on, and he wasn't delivered a beating for being a "spod".
approved Dec 12 2002, submitted Dec 12 2002 by Jon Blyth
Mrs Soloman, a particularly fierce piano playing teacher from the 1980's, now dead. Soloman's pet hate was pupils having their back to her, so the whole class were seated facing towards her in a 'Praise Mecca' style in twos. If you turned her back on her whilst she was talking to you, woe betide. We adapted this to a playground game, which made good for random beatings. If a kid such as Daniel Holmer Tolliday showed you his back, you were well within your right to belt him in the back whilst taking on Soloman's manly growl and saying ' you darest showeth me your hind?'Why we adopted a Medieval vocabulary is another question.
approved May 22 2003, submitted Feb 26 2003 by Name Withheld
Kristen Cottier arrived in 1981 from the Isle of Man - a fact he was insanely proud of. He later explained that his surname was Manx for "son of the otter hunter". A silly mistake.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mike Newman
Knew too much about rainbow kissing to be right.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
A more subtle way of saying "subtle attack". You have to wrap yourself in a duvet, for bonus subtlety, before launching yourself into the enemy's dorm and spraying them with deodorant.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Katy Darby
An unfortunate pupil at our school had mild Spina Bifida which caused him to walk with a sideways hip-swinging shuffle.
We thought he was rather cool because he looked as though he was grooving along to a funky tune that only he could hear; he may have just been listening to our tuneless rendition of "Soul Man" and finger-snapping as he jive-walked past our classroom window.
approved Aug 25 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by sane man
The damp build up of sweat that forms in the arse crack of Farah wearing post pubic boys sitting on plastic chairs in hot summer classrooms ,"Soup, sir?" "Certainly, a possible broth if this heat carries on."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
A game which requires steps, a football, and several young children so eager to play with the big boys that they are willing to approach slowly down some steps towards men kicking footballs at them. Boys (never girls) started at the top step, chanting "we are space-invaders". Once hit by the footballs, you moved onto the next step down - an improvisation from the strict format of the arcade game, allowing for more bruises. Now you must run faster, and are more likely to be hit by a ball this is travelling at a higher speed. Once you reach the ground floor, by which point you should be screaming "we are space invaders", you were relieved, and could move to the top step again. The lure of watching your friends getting hit with footballs was always too much to resist. No-one ever really though to simply stand aside and watch the game. Apart from the bemused teachers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James Ingram
A highly mutated, third generation insult for someone with acne. It started as the basic "Crater Face", evolved into "Neil Armstrong" and finally into "Space Suit". A tribute to the creativity of kids who fail on traditional academic measures.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Fengis
What we kids in the late 70's called spastics, and by association anyone who was a low achiever no matter what the reason.
Im now a responsible and mature father of two teenage girls who would not dream of mocking the mentally subnormal just for kicks, so did NOT curl up in hysterics when their school's drive towards 'spelling, punctuation and grammar' was launched under the banner of 'S.P.A.G'.
And I definitely did not laugh to the point of vomiting when my daughter brought her english exercise book home with the word 'SPAG' written in red biro by the teacher over each and every spaggish grammar or spelling mistake.
approved Feb 19 2006, submitted Feb 14 2006 by anonymous user
The act of slapping an unsuspecting individual as hard as possible across their forehead and shouting 'Spam'.
This can be countered by holding a guarding hand across the forehead, if suspicious of an approaching attack. This led to the development of the 'Neckback' which followed a similar path as the 'Spam' but involved slapping the back of the neck. This is also known as MAPS - spam backwards, you see.
When a double guard was developed, involving a person holding both their forehead and the back of their neck, a third route of attack, the 'Lipblap', was unveiled. This involved slapping down at a persons mouth (when they were talking for best effect) causing them to sound stupid and make a wet blubber noise. The beauty of this third attack meant that even when guarding, there was always one route of attack open - although the attacker now had to be quick to find the ungauarded area, and (especially with the 'Lipblap') the confusion tended to result in a simple face punch.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jamie Gambell
This is the name given to a silly sound effect that I made up one morning on the bus to school, and me and my friend Angelo Martinez would recite it over and over again during a dull moment. There is a background to this sound effect, and it goes as follows - There is a man with a whip chasing a another man around a ring. Next to the ring is a guitarist, who plays that "dun de le dun de de de dun" sterotypical spanish tune constantly. The two men are quite close to each other as they run, and at the end of each playing of the song the man with the whip cracks his whip on the man in front's arse, causing him to yelp with pain. So it would go - "Dun de lun dun de de de dun PSCHH ha HOO!" You really have to hear it to understand it. When we got tired of doing it, we would finish by slightly altering the last "ha hoo" so that the "hoo" would be long and drawn out and falling in pitch, as if the man who was being chased had fallen down a chasm or fallen off a cliff or something.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Christopher John
Our primary school had a pair of Emergency Trousers, which were given to any unfortunate kid that was found to be accidentally carrying a chocolate passenger.
The reasoning behind issuing this garment was presumably to spare the soiled kid the embarrassment of going back to class wearing niffy damp trousers.
However, the Emergency Trousers must have been lying about since the 1970s, which meant you had to toddle back to class looking like Rupert the fucking Bear. And as such, it was obvious to everyone that you'd suffered an unwelcome "brown visitor", and you were not spared the ridicule of your peer group in the slightest.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Apr 27 2004 by Matthew Russell
Not how you pronounce "spasmodic", Ian Lucas.
approved May 5 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by anonymous user
A cross between spasmojesticles and Joey Deacon. Not an insult, like most Joey Deacon variants, but a fine warcry and an excuse for legs to flail in the wind.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Daniel Olmos
Taking the everyday "spazmo" as its base, the "mohican" aspect arises simply because its one of the few funny words that begin with mo. Fleacon combines the grotbags element of fleas with the heavyweight of spazmos, Joey Deacon himself.
In retrospect, quite a likeable insult.
approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Jon Blyth