The Law of the Playground
the letter s
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The fusion of the words spangle, smorgasbord, jesting, and icicles.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Will Doyle
Daniel Parry - Spastic Pastic - made the mistake of announcing that he was very ill and that we shouldn't make him laugh or else he'd cough up blood. I made him laugh, and much to my delight, he wasn't joking. A week or so later he left, never to be seen again. To this day I don't know if I inadvertently killed him.
approved Dec 27 2002, submitted Dec 21 2002 by James Trotman
My friend Phil's parents invited a load of members of the local Spastics society around for Christmas day. Phil denied this for years, until on a boating trip to Norfolk he was made to walk the plank off the side of the barge with a sign reading "I had spastics round for Christmas" hanging around his neck.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Jan 22 2006 by simon israel
The lane you live on if you are a spastic, or scoper. With your tongue between your teeth and lip, say "dur, by dabe's ... and I live on Spaff Lane". No one we knew lived on Spath Lane, but the suggestion that you might was devastating.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gonch
No description required - it's just a cool word.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Is to spazmo as cuboid is to cube. That is to say, some of the sides are of different lengths, but... every face is a rectangle... only with spazmos.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Similarly, a great word, and very similar to spasmojesticles. A superb slant on spazmo and testicles, with a bonus "j", which is the funniest letter.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Will Doyle
From the too good to be true range...
For the matinee performance of one my school's plays, the special education students were brought into the auditorium in their wheelchairs and parked in the front row. To prevent the students in the motorized chairs from going anywhere, the teacher turned off the power on their chairs.
Being the light-board operator I had seen the production several times and was paying more attention to the audience than the show. About halfway through the performance, one of the handicapped children caught my attention; he had pushed himself out of his chair. I watched him for about twenty minutes as he pushed himself further and further to the right, until he finally reached his goal.
A boy in a motorized wheelchair, who had fallen asleep on his joystick.
Motorized wheelchairs are capable of decent speeds, it seems. So when (after twenty minutes of sterling work, mind you) the crawling young man flipped the power switch on his neighbour's chair, the hapless sleeper was rocketed forward full throttle, slamming the chair into the low stage.
The now very much awake student flew - in that slow motion way that disabled people flying out of their wheelchairs have - onto the stage. The actors stopped, the audience was aghast, and the only sound louder than the wailing cries of the student on the stage, was the hysterical laughter of the young man on the floor where once a wheelchair was parked.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Feb 22 2004 by anonymous user
Go up to an S.U. kid, face full of innocence and concern, and say "Jonfun, what are you still doing here?" On sighting the blank(er) expression, say "Didn't you hear the fire bell? We've all got to go home!". A few more "Go on!"'s should be enough to get him thru the gate. The terrible thing? They never even noticed he'd gone.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Ben Evetts suffered from a very bad speech impediment that prevented him from being able to pronounce his ts. Being slightly backward, his mother made, what she considered, the wise decision of teaching him to recite his telephone number in the event that he ever got lost.
There were only two problems with this:
- Firstly, it became a panic reflex, which he blurted out at the slightest provocation.
- Secondly, his home number was "East Tisted 282".
The end result was that he would be chased around the playground every break, screaming, Eesk Kiskig Coo Ay Coo! Eesk Kiskig Coo Ay Coo!
This only carried on for a few weeks, however, before his mum withdrew him from the school and they moved away.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Feb 16 2004 by Slab Ghost
This involved drawing as many penises as possible on a colleague's text book / excercise book / bag / homework diary / piece of artwork / photograph of dead relative etc. whilst their back was turned. It was perfected to 3 loops removing pen from paper only to draw in a "T" at the top. Twenty nobs in ten seconds was a skilled, but not uncommon occurrence.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Timothy Claypole
Most effective when employed on a borrowed book, swiftly drawn while the classmate is looking away, or drawn across a piece of work that your classmate is about to hand in. There are no hard and fast rules for drawing the cock, but in most illustrations the cock is circumcised and the balls look like two croquet hoops.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tom Morton
A variation on speednob played at our school was known as a chunderbunder. Identical nob motif, but with one important and sometimes dangerous difference. The addition of an eye was accomplished by stabbing a biro as hard as possible into the excersise book, ideally penetrating 20 or more pages and providing a lasting reminder of the attack.
Victims had to be careful when defending to avoid a stab wound in the hand.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by dave tonks
Why is it that all 'speednobs' are circumcised? In all my years of textbook observation never have I seen a phallus with a foreskin attached.
(Quick answer - it's a SPEEDnob. See the following chart for details. - Log)
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Nov 30 2003 by Shrill .
Speednob led to a series of creative approaches to disguising the nobs drawn on your property. These included spaceships with billowing smoke clouds at lift-off, funny faces, general swirly patterns and many more. It is important to note that, if a nob was drawn completely (with the three loops and a T-shape), it was impossible for the disguised nob to look like anything other than a disguised nob, which was still quite gay. However, if you managed to intervene in the drawing of the nob and prevent the T-shape being drawn across the bell-end, you had half a chance of changing the three loops into something innocent. Try it yourself. You'll see what I mean. Of course this made it all the more critical for the nobber complete the nob and only encouraged kids to try harder. See: speednob, advanced.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Alex Herbert
As part of a civil recovery scheme for the vast number of inky cocks drawn in our Tricolore text books, we were each given a bottle of Tipp-Ex and told to obscure the offending members.
The result? A vast number of inky cocks with a vast amount of spunk coming out the end.
approved Jun 18 2004, submitted Mar 23 2004 by Jon Peache
Speednob became such an obsession in my school that it was unusual to see any ink-permeable surface without a nob on it. Eventually pupils were so alert to preventing their property being nobbed that it was very difficult for even the most committed player to nob anything at all. The only option for the potential artist was to draw a nob on the flat surface of an eraser with a cartridge pen and quickly use it as an ink stamp on the targeted item. So long as the victim didn't see you draw the nob on your eraser, he would be entirely unsuspecting and a swift movement with the eraser would ensure a successful nob placement on anything from textbooks to foreheads.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Alex Herbert
We would do speednobs by drawing the knob on our thumbs with a biro, then firmly planting the thumb on someone else's textbook. Rest of the lesson would be spent trying to get the knob off your own thumb.

(This is an idiot's version of the rubber stamp speednob variant. I love the mixture of make-do ingenuity and blind stupidity. - Log.)
approved May 2 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Andrew Osler
Everyone knows that Swastikas are funny. Especially when drawn on a rubber, in reverse with permanent ink and then stamped on my friend's forehead during a German lesson.
approved Jan 31 2006, submitted Jan 30 2006 by anonymous user
You think people who draw cocks on stuff are stupid? Well let's see you pull this off. Go on, pull it off. You big gay.

(Someone needs credit for this, as it obviously wasn't me. It just got sent to me by someone who said he got it "on the internet".)
approved Oct 2 2011, submitted Oct 2 2011 by Jon Blyth
The act of drawing a 300 foot long, fully detailed phallus in the wet sand on Tenby Beach during a Geography field trip, before teachers can descend a cliff to stop you. Chances are, however, that they will simply look dismayed and let you have your fun. Which is pretty patronising when you think about it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Colonel Fuddrucker
Not one but TWO space penises. Truly our cup runneth over. Thanks to Darren and Anonymous for these.

Yarm School, Teeside:

Bellemoor School, Southampton:
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Dec 15 2006 by anonymous user, Darren Lamb
Barry's peculiar tale here has a sinister edge and will leave you slightly damp, clammy and uncomfortable, just the way that possibly phoney swimming instructors like you, I'd wager...

A new swimming 'teacher' appeared mysteriously one day at the local baths.
As, apparently, one of the school's great swimming hopes, I was subsequently singled out for special tutelage, presumably to get me onto the path of the Olympics.
A special trip was organised where he and I drove to town. I distinctly remember trying on half a dozen pairs of Speedos and had to model each set for him, complete with twirls.
Following this, I was treated to a cream tea at the local cafe and while listening to his platitudes felt extraordinarily privileged to be the 'sports star with potential'.
I never saw him again after that day.
approved Apr 3 2006, submitted Feb 10 2006 by Barry Bullet
Outrageous claim from Paul Walker that the loose cannon Geordie cop played by Jimmy Nail was, in fact, his dad. However, rather than an attempt to command awe and authority, it was simply an excuse to say 'how bastard!' and headbutt someone.
Based on the mispresumption that headbutting people is genetic, and not just a symptom of living in Newcastle.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by petrocelli .
Previously unknown supply teacher, GCSE biology class, walked in and announced that he had a higher sperm count than any of us. He left the room, promising to answer any question on sex that we could write on scraps of paper and place in a coffee pot on the desk at the front. Amazingly, some of us actually wrote questions, and he answered them all deadpan. We never saw him again, but the legend of Sperm-count man lives on. I hope he found a job where his utter coolness and phenomenal sperm-count were more appreciated.
approved Jan 17 2007, submitted Sep 28 2006 by Gav Moss
If girls become wary of you when you tell them that there is a spider in their hair, you can convince them that no, really - there really is a spider in their hair this time - by saying "no, really - there really is a spider in your hair this time".
If more persuasion is required;
Level 1 : There is a spider in your hair.
Level 2 : No really - there really is a spider in your hair this time.
Level 3 : Oh God, there's a really big spider in your hair. Everyone, come and look at the really big spider!
Level 4 : It... it looks like it's laying eggs...
Level 5 : Look, I know I've been saying this a lot recently, and at the back of my mind, I realised a time would come when one day, you really might have a spider in your hair. I think I was hiding from that possibility, hoping it would never come, because I knew you wouldn't believe me when I told you. But honestly, this time, there is a massive spider in your hair, and from the markings I think it's poisonous. I don't expect you to believe me, I guess I've dug my own grave in that respect, but please - please seek help regarding the oversized spider that's running amok in your lovely hair. You must tell me your hairdresser, by the way.
approved Oct 26 2004, submitted Oct 15 2004 by Mike Gavin, Jon Blyth
But there was a spider in my hair. Naturally I was sceptical, so an entire changing room full of girls was unable to convince me of my infestation until I looked in the mirror, at which point I screamed and thrashed for an indeterminate amount of time.
Then the swimming teacher came in and sprayed the offending spider with window cleaner until it died. Yes, the swimming teacher. We were just that posh.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Nov 2 2004 by Name Withheld
Notably batey fatboy Scott Weightman (see fat kids for more background on Scott Weightman) involuntarily became this superhero every Monday afternoon History lesson. The bright young things of Mr Cook's class were placed in the next classroom to the rabble and could only look on in helpless appreciation as Scott had the class bin shoved on his head. Not content with the level of distress this caused, pupils then took it upon themselves to hang onto the bin and pull down with all their body weight. The result looked like a particularly agitated Darth Vader storming around the classroom whilst being closely attended by imperial guards. Similarly the face that emerged from the helmet on those hot afternoons was not unlike Skywalker's father in the film.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Casso
I'd forgotten this - it's true, so true. He never shared his two litre bottle of coke. If you asked him for some, he'd clutch it to his chest, and whine "I neeed it!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth