The Law of the Playground
the letter t
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A primitive accountancy/risk assessment program on the very old and very rubbishy computer in our classroom, or an early introduction to the essentials of Russian roulette. You were the owner of a teashop, and accordingly supplied tea, using a shop, at only the most select of virtual social engagements. You decided the number of cups to be sold, and the price. Things usually went smoothly, but every so often it would emerge that 'a swarm of wasps drove everybody away!' and you would howl and gnash your teeth as fully fifteen minutes of your childhood was evinced to have been frittered away in the darkest futility. We also learned numbers in Welsh up to 22, and our school was in Hertfordshire.
approved May 20 2003, submitted Dec 22 2002 by Buttocks Sweeting
If you tried to charge more than 45p for your cups of tea the game would stop you doing it, explaining that "It's cheaper with British Rail".
approved Jul 7 2003, submitted Jul 7 2003 by anonymous user
"If you go down in the woods today,
youre sure of a big surprise,
if you go down in the woods today,
you'd better close your eyes,
cause mum and dad,
are 'avin a shag,
and uncle bob,
is suckin' his knob,
and aunty mary's 'avin it off with the miiiiiiiilk-man!"

There is a varient where aunty Marys avin it off with Graaaaa-ndad.
approved May 22 2003, submitted Apr 6 2003 by John Cheetham
If you go down in the woods today,
you're sure of a big surprise.
If you go down in the woods today,
you'd better close your eyes.
'Cause Mum and Dad,
are 'avin a shag,
and Uncle Bob,
is suckin' his knob,
and Aunty Mary's 'avin it off with Graaaandad.
Uncle Bob was probably sucking his own nob, what with Aunty Mary being occupied with Granddad.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Apr 6 2003 by John Cheetham
The Wallington Variation:
'Cos Uncle Ross is having a toss
And Uncle Frank is having a wank
And Auntie Flo is having a go
With Gran-dad!
It's worth noting that it's nearly always the Auntie who gets it on with Grandad in these scenarios. Other possibilities include Uncle Jim having a rim, Auntie Irene flicking her bean, and of course Diana Rigg having a frig.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by Mike Alexander, Jon Blyth
There's also Auntie Sue doing a poo whilst Uncle Jim kisses her quim.

Presumably Sue and Jim are German.
approved Oct 4 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by Nick Hunt
1. A crap talking bear, who mimes the words of a tape that you insert him, like in Videodrome.
2. The nickname given to Linda when her sister kindly told half the school that Linda used to masturbate by inserting the leg of her teddy bear into her Fred Quimby.
Although it wasn't a Teddy Ruxpin bear, the idea of the bear chattering away about a fairy tale world of princesses and love - as though he was some intense state of denial about what his leg was doing - only enhanced the image.
approved Dec 22 2003, submitted Dec 19 2003 by Name Withheld
Fifty first years on an exchange trip to St Malo, France. Forty nine packs of porno cards purchased from Mount St-Michel (fruity Silverstone didnt want any.) Turns out the 'girls' are a collage of body parts from an aray of Europe's hairiest women. Coming home the coach gets pulled over to be searched at Calais. The ensuing panic causes the vast bulk of said fetish cards end up in Ryan Slattery's bag.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall when Mrs Slattery unpacks her son's bag to discover she'd wasted 12 years of life raising a kleptomaniac pervert.
Three months later a copy of Big 'n Bouncy is hidden under Ryan Slattery's pillow, reducing a now desolate and despairing Mrs S to tears.
approved Oct 13 2005, submitted Sep 15 2005 by Steven Reid
Sometime in the early 80's, consumer electronics 'giant' Tefal ran an ad campaign featuring a collection of scientists clad in white coats demonstrating various products they had supposedly developed. To show just how brainy they were they had really large heads, not rounder, just taller, with a hairline about a foot away from their eyes.

Sadly for several kids with larger than average foreheads in the lower years at our high school, this advertising campaign was more successful than Tefal could have possibly ever dreamed.

At random breaktimes for a whole year the cry "TEFAL!" would go up, after which everyone in hearing distance would tear after some poor first year, chasing him all round the school if necessary. When he was finally pinned in a corner, one of the older kids in front would pull out a Trevor Francis ruler, measure his forehead and then shout out the total, adding on at least 5 centimetres for effect. The surrounding mob would then chant "TEFAL!, TEFAL!, TEFAL!" until breaktime finished, a teacher broke it up or the 'Tefal' cried too much, whichever came first. Looking back, the whole scene was like something out of 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers'.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tony Lowe
My friend and I happened across a man bearing a particularly generous frontsipiece. We immediately seized the opportunity to play "tefal" (take turns to shout "tefal" with increasing volume). To our horror he approached us and calmly confessed that yes, he was the man from Tefal ads, which had led to a part in the TV drama "Tripods".
We got his autograph.
approved Jul 18 2006, submitted Jul 17 2006 by two Dee
Fictional pop group featured in the Longmans Audio Visual French books.
Jean-Paul et Claudette would purchase "le dernier disque de Telephone" every fricking Saturday, without fail. If they really wanted to live life on the edge, they went swimming afterwards.
approved Nov 4 2003, submitted Oct 30 2003 by Ponky Ponk
I used to think that as well, but Telephone are in fact not even slightly fictional.
I know this because when some friends of mine went on a French exchange trip, two of the first questions they got asked by the French kids were "ecoutez-vous le musique 'Hard Rock'?" and then "ecoutez-vous la groupe 'Telephone'?".
See them on Amazon here
Apparently Telephone are pretty crap, which is surprising, considering they're a hard rock band called Telephone.
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Nov 5 2003 by anonymous user
If you think you can handle it, this is their website:

Check out the stickman strumming the telephone. Le cunt.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 22 2005 by Dan B
A great way of briefly scaring the shit out of somebody, without actually doing something they can be really angry about.

Your mate is standing on a ridge / riverbank / cliff. Push him hard toward the edge, and then yank him back in one fluid movement whilst shouting "Tell yer Mam I saved your life!"

We never actually did this on a cliff, but the minging pond in the school grounds was a popular choice.

Being harder than you, the hard kids would just push you in, shouting "Tell yer Mam I couldn't be bothered!"
That pond stunk.
approved Oct 13 2007, submitted Apr 25 2006 by anonymous user
"I'm telling of you" meaning I don't like you and I am going to report your (real or made-up) bad behaviour to the teacher who likes me best and you least. Ha ha. I'm telling of you.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Holly
If you see some geniune badness, and you are very young or naive, then your mouth will drop open, your eyes widen, and the only word you will be able to summon is a breathless "tell-ing". Then you will run in a random direction until you hit something.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Telling can also be used as an effective bullying device. Tell someone younger, smaller or nerdier than yourself that you are 'telling on them', despite the fact that they have done nothing wrong, and they will royally cack their pants and begin the word "but" around twenty times before hiding.
This technique also forms the foundation for a defense to a straight-forward "telling". Simply scream "telling" just as loudly, and start a race to the nearest teacher. Of course, if you make it to the teacher you'll have to make something up pretty quickly, or admit that you were both running around screaming "telling", which may reduce credibility in future games of "telling".
approved May 13 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
As we have known for thousands of years, it is possible to determine the time of day by observing the position of the sun in the sky.
Ben Earnshaw claimed that his own body was accurate to the second using this method.
We challenged him to tell us the time, and checked an R2D2 digital watch to make sure he was REALLY precise. We were therefore amazed when he put the time at around 7:30 in the evening.
We were at school, and it was dinner break, the retarded fuckwit.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Nov 1 2003 by Ben King
You may be approached by a peer who informs you they're telling on you. If this news is imparted with a musical lilt, the game is afoot. You are obliged to ask why. The other party will respond with a reason, which must rhyme. Reasons I can recall include: * Because you jumped on a lorry and you didn't say sorry * Because you walked in the garden and you didn't say 'pardon' * Because you went to the toilet, and you pulled the chain, and out came a great big chuffer train Particularly ingenious rhymes will spread throughout the playground rapidly, but no-one will ever believe that you made it up.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Dimmock
Although practiced every day at my primary school, the rhymes were limited to the everyday "...'cos you licked my lolly and you didn't say sorry" and the lunatic "...'cos you jumped in the pond and kissed James Bond". As if Bond would be seen dead in our crappy pond.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Heathen Chinee
Our version went "Because you kissed a kangaroo in the middle of the zoo at half past two." References to poo and a loo were not uncommon.
approved Dec 27 2002, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Nick H
See also: I'm telling
you're smelling
your bum is like a melon.

approved Jul 3 2003, submitted Dec 28 2002 by Michael Fordyce
I'm telling,
You're smelling,
You went to a black man's wedding.

I would imagine that Eddie doesn't get invited to many black mens' weddings. More fool him. I HAVE been to a black man's wedding, and can report that, far from the cake being made of rice and peas, and the ceremony being conducted by a man with skellington make-up like in 'Live and Let Die', black mens' weddings are perfectly charming.

approved May 7 2006, submitted Jun 13 2005 by Eddie Ronan
I once overheard another kid at playtime say "I'm telling miss that you said F-U-K" and for years after, I though 'fuck' was spelled 'F-U-K'. Embarrassingly, it was my nan who finally corrected me when I dutifully pointed out some misspelled graffiti in the park. Fuking know-it-all.
approved Dec 12 2005, submitted Nov 7 2005 by Neal Vomit
Our version went thus:
I'm telling on you
You dirty kangaroo
You pushed me in the river
At half past two.
Interestingly, there was a river fairly near to our school, although to the best of my knowledge, no-one was ever pushed in it by a kangaroo, dirty or otherwise.
Someone once punched the headmaster in the FACE, though. IN THE FACE!
approved Jan 20 2006, submitted Jan 18 2006 by Captain Crackerjack
Short for Temporary Speaking Ban. A kind of unilateral jinx, which prevents a person who just came out with a really shit joke speaking for around five minutes.
Five minutes is a rough guide - to be honest, the first time you speak after a temp ban is inviting people to resume belittling you with comments like "aren't you on a temp ban for coming out with shit like that?" and punching. You're better off just starting with a clean slate the next day.
Even worse jokes can result in a perm ban, which is valid for the remainder of the unfunny prick's academic life.
approved Sep 3 2007, submitted Aug 18 2005 by Loki Girl
A small, financially challenged kid who would run round shouting 'Ten Pence!' in a high pitched mongoloid manner. Once given 10p, he would run around giving you a piggyback until he collapsed from exhaustion.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Pettigrew
The price required of Danny to make him kneel down in the deepest puddle on the tennis courts.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
Also a game where one friend presses a pre-licked coin onto a second friends forehead and encourages him to dislodge it by whacking himself repeatedly on the back of the head. But the coin is really in the first friends hand, you see, not stuck to the forehead, so the second friend is left slapping the back of his head in vain, resembling the late Eric Morcombe in a state of arousal.
approved Jun 18 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld, Susan Tobacco
A bet in which the closest participant to score closest to 10% on an important exam without going under wins.
Patently open to abuse by the "you didn't really try to get 10%, did you? Christ, it was only a joke and now you've thrown your future out of the window" brigade.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Mar 18 2003 by Alpen Ben
One pair of your granny's tights
One tennis ball

How to play:
Put one leg of the tights inside the other. Put the tennis ball into the foot end of the tights. Grab the gusset end, stand against a wall in the shape of a star, and swing the ball against the wall in a mad frenzy whilst singing playground songs such as "A sailor went to sea, sea, sea".

Purpose of game:
Absolutely none at all.

WARNING: Overzealous bouncing may cause occasional black eyes and sore bollocks.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Jul 20 2006 by Name Withheld
A man who forged the sound of weak, piss driven soul music to new low. So to warrant him the credit he deserved, we named the Wimpy classic dish - Brown Derby - after him. The Brown Derby was basically a picasso dog shit, it had a doughnut made from Nutty Slack, it was covered in white hormonal cream and the topping of chipped lego was divine. Wimpy's also make a "double bender" burger. They're asking for it, really.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
Terence is a gay name. The River Trent runs through Nottingham. Derby is a neighbouring county to Nottingham, where the locals fuck trees, cows and sisters. Terence Trent D'Arby is therefore quite a potent insult, meaning the you live in a river, are gay, and fuck trees, cows and your sister.
approved Dec 13 2002, submitted Dec 12 2002 by Jon Blyth
I also recall a wimpy special that was available for public consumption for a short time in Birmingham ... 'The Big Bender in a Bun'. Thankfuly it was served on a real plate and could be consumed with a real knife and fork. Greedily shovelling a whole bender into your face would have been a little... gay.
(Why you chose to put this under Terrance Trent D'Arby is beyond me, but thanks for sharing, Stephan - Log)
approved May 13 2003, submitted Dec 18 2002 by s field
When Wimpy and McDonald did children's parties, I was privileged enough to meet the Mr Wimpy costume. He gave out badges to all my chums. Mine said "I'm a big bender biter". Everyone was VERY jealous that mister wimpy had favoured me, over all others, with this accolades.
The only defence open to me, although I was too young to realise it at the time, was "I don't have sex with them, I bite them. It's not romantic at ALL."
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Feb 10 2004 by Lorrimer the rookie
Contrary to what Log says, I live in Derbyshire and have never once fucked a cow, a tree or my sister. And neither have my friends.
Just so we don't all get a reputation as incestuous, bestial hippies.
Don't think the fact you missed out sheep in your list of things you haven't fucked didn't go unnoticed. For you, Mrs Ramsbottom isn't a person, it's the fact you were too pissed on Tennant's Super to get it in the hole. Nottingham wins Derby! - Log
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Jan 30 2005 by anonymous user
A statement which started as a joke,but which evolved in many interesting ways, my favourite being as a method of absolution.
E.g."Terrance, if you're not going to shut up, you're going to have to leave the room."
"It's not his fault miss, his dad's on crack."
It was used so often that people started to believe that Terrance's dad WAS actually on crack, and things got so bad that Terrance's dad eventually felt the need to pay a visit to our class. He explained that he was not on crack, and was actually a factory worker. We all remained silent throughout the speech, until my friend Nick raised his hand.
"Yes?" said Terrance's dad.
"How can you afford to raise a family and keep up a crack habit on a factory worker's salary?"
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Nov 19 2004 by jon james
Where a Trevor buys his best clothes, as in

Let's all go to Tesco's,
Where Trevor buys his best clothes,
They are so nif-ty,
for one pound fif-ty.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lo-Fi Dan, Dan Wakely
End with a flourish...

but *insert name of poverty-stricken pupil* cannot grumble,
he gets his from the jumble la la la la, la la la la.

(n.b 'la' should be intoned with as big a tongue as possible, think Fat Sam singing at the very end of Bugsy Malone)
approved Nov 4 2003, submitted Oct 6 2003 by Name Withheld
For a further verse:

Down at Happy Shopper,
they're on special offer,
but beware,
Trevor is there
approved Jan 23 2012, submitted Jan 21 2012 by Winter Mute
Again, another entry where the punchline of the joke is somewhat deflated by the heading, which effectively is the punchline. So, you ask "Have you ever had a big juicy fanny wrapped around your head?", and they say "No", so you say "Eurrrq! Test tube baby, test tube baby!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by DEaDfRoG
Calling somebody a test tube baby is a great insult; because as well as suggesting that they haven't got a mum, it also proves that their dad likes going to the hospital and wanking into a dirty cup for 5p.
a: "Can you climb up glass?"
b: "No."
a: "Then how did you get out of your test tube? - Is your star sign 'Pyrex'?"
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Dec 5 2003 by anonymous user
I was concieved via IVF; in fact I was one of the first 5,000 ever concieved in the world. So I got to go to Thorpe Park at age 6 and YOU didn't, you bunch of boringly-birthed old sods.
Hahaha. Your dad done a wank.

approved Aug 6 2006, submitted Aug 5 2006 by Name Withheld
You will need : sunlight, watch. The object: to reflect sunlight from your watch onto the testicles of the unsuspecting teacher. If he is wearing clothes, aim at the crotch of his trousers. Divert your beam away from the teacher once he has begun to suspect that the entire class is laughing at his nob. Conceivably, if everyone in the class did the same thing, you could set the teachers testicles on fire. In larger classes, you could sear through the testicles as a laser.
approved Aug 14 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth