The Law of the Playground
the letter t
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Texas Instruments = poor man's Casio = objects of derision for the brainy
For use in lower set maths classes only.
(They also specialised in brightly-coloured over-chunky protractor, compasses and set square packs, for ham-fisted thickos.)
approved Jul 20 2006, submitted Jun 16 2006 by some one
When you fart, you say 'Texas'. If someone else farts and you say 'Sixer' before they say 'Texas', you're allowed to give them six dead arms without fear of reprisal. Though you probably won't want to do so straight away, what with the cloud of their eggy banner still mushrooming from their backside.
approved Sep 7 2003, submitted Sep 7 2003 by anonymous user
I only know what whetstone, kindling, and trestle tables are because of Erik The Viking. And the fastest thing I can type - to this day - is say to thorin "carry me", thanks to The Hobbit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
>> pick up magic wand
I do not know how to "pick up magic wand"
>>fuck right off
I do not know how to "fuck right off"
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 13 2003 by anonymous user
At primary school we were told by one kid in our year that his big brother (in secondary school) had textbooks with swears in. Official schoolbooks with real swears. We saw no reason to disbelieve this; they were big kids in secondary school after all, who had probably all drunk beer and had lots of porn and sex, so they must be given text books with swears in because they were so grown up.

Later on, we realised that we had been conned; not because we'd got to secondary school and were expecting to receive our sweary textbooks, but because we found out that this kid had no big brother. All those years we had known him, and even been to his house. And then we suddenly found out from his mother that he had no brother; it was a quite a shock.
I think that part of us died that day, when we found out that swearing textbooks didn't exist. The fucking Tricolore was no substitute at all.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Oct 25 2004 by Doctor Phibes
Miss Williams was the Textile Beast. So called because she taught Textiles, and was some sort of beast who hunted anyone who went near her eggs, which she kept in the roof. Eventually it turned out she wore latex feet to cover up her hooves and she could sprout wings if attacked from above. She would lay eggs using a needle-like gland that came out of her anus and she would inject foetusses into eggshells that she made from the bones of those who angered her.
Please note that the Egg Gland came out of her anus.

approved Feb 10 2005, submitted Dec 16 2004 by Gareth Thomas
Regular doubles, except with balls/racquets clutched between elbows in order to simulate stumpy deformities of unfortunate thalidomide victims.
approved Jul 11 2003, submitted Jul 10 2003 by Sarcaustic
Inexplicably patronising statement made by most teachers when they turn the lights down to show the class a video about factories.
Realising even this patronising statement was a little highbrow for the more retarded pupils, they would normally add - and that means without talking.
approved Jan 21 2004, submitted Jan 8 2004 by Ponky Ponk
Write clearly on your leg "Not my leg". When somebody asks you why you've got that written on your leg you simply reply "That's not my leg."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jarry Hughes
A put down that doesn't really require you to listen to the other person's comment. Unless the person you are speaking to has just said "oh, it's an ant struggling to climb over two tiny pebbles".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gavin
The sullen statement that came, seemingly out of nowhere, by Andy, after we'd been laughing at the suicide of our French teacher's wife for 15 minutes, including a detailed reenactment of him discovering the body.
We're still not sure what Andy was getting at.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user
An all-purpose camp innnendo, silmilar to "...as the actress said to the bishop..." and only slightly slightly funnier:
eg: Person A: "It won't fit!"
Person B: "That's not what you said last night!"
Person A: "I'm not sure I like it"
Person B: "Ooooh, That's not what you said last night, Ducky!"
Person A: "I have decided to eschew homosexuality as I do not enjoy same gender sexual relations, despite any previous comments I may have made yesterday evening"
Person B: "Oh. Ummmm."
approved Apr 25 2005, submitted Nov 19 2004 by The Boy Tucker
The yanking of, and sometimes swinging from, a fellow student's tie until the knot is irreversibly wee. This is known as a "small tie", and only becomes a "the bells, the bells" if you say so, in Quasimodo's voice. The only reported defence is a remedial measure rather than preventative, and involves a safety pie in the back of the tie that can be used as a lever to uncomplicate the knot.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Jarry Hughes
There's something beautifully simple and yet utterly compelling about this tale of lies, family and betrayal - Phil

My friend Claire used to tell everyone how she could do anything at school because the caretaker was her uncle. We all believed her until one evening when he caught her climbing over the fence into the school garden and he told her to fuck off.
approved Mar 1 2006, submitted Oct 12 2005 by Name Withheld
When I was 14 our school caretaker offered to take me and a few of my friends on holiday to his caravan in Wales.

To show us what a fun time we would have, he produced photos of previous under-age female pupils sunbathing in bikinis, or having water fights in tight white t-shirts.

My mum never did let me go. Selfish cow.
approved May 27 2007, submitted Jan 3 2007 by anonymous user
Rarely do you get the chance to scream SHIT in assemblym, without being reprimanded -
"The Earth is yours O God, You nouriSH IT with rain"
approved Sep 26 2003, submitted Aug 4 2003 by Sam Spam
One day, I was walking down a corridor near a bathroom, and through the door seeped the telltale reek of a big shit. The smell had one peculiar property; it smelt of vinegar. And that's when I thought of the funniest thing I ever thought. I was going to burst through the bathroom door, and scream 'WHO HAS JUST DONE A GREAT BIG VINEGARY SHIT?'.
Putting my plan into action, I burst dramatically through the door, saw a couple of big Year 12s washing their hands, apologised and left.
Excellent work, Pierre. Have you had the comedic high point of your life unjustly robbed from you? Tell us how funny you really are, even though nobody knows it!
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Oct 11 2005 by Pierre French
When I was very small, I heard an older boy exiting the school toilets and saying "it bloody well stinks in there". I thought this was by far the funniest thing I had ever heard, and decided to adopt it as my own.

The following weekend, on a family trip to the zoo, I engineered an opportunity to visit the toilet while my parents, siblings, aunt, uncle and three cousins waited outside. Upon exiting the facilities I declared to my audience "it bloody well stinks in there", with just the right measure of raffish je ne sais quoi.

Nobody laughed, and my father hit me across the back of the head.
approved Dec 7 2005, submitted Nov 30 2005 by anonymous user
In the infant playground there was a gap between the hall and the staffroom, with a big black door. The door never opened but when you rattled the handle, something rattled back and we'd all run off screaming.
Oh noes! Ghosts!
But later, when we were in year 6, we were sent to tidy the PE cupboard at lunchtime and we realised that THAT was the other side of the 'haunted' door! When the door handle rattled, we dutifully rattled it back to the sound of hordes of small children screaming.
This story made me feel warm.
approved Sep 19 2006, submitted Sep 12 2006 by Hannah Erskine
The Law of the Playground challenges you, the reader to decide... TRUE FOREVER? OR LIKE WHATEVER?
The jap's eye game required a group of girls and a group of boys. A girl would dare a boy to insert something into his jap's eye. If he successfully did this, the girl had to remove it with her mouth (preferably not directly with the teeth). If the boy failed in the insertion process, his punishment was not getting a girl's mouth on his nob.
The best I managed was a blade of grass. My mate Robin got a twig in there. Hard as she tried though, (and she tried VERY hard) the girl involved just couldn't pull it out. Robin ended up in tears, and had to go to the school nurse, and then hospital. With a twig sticking out of the end of his nob.
I laughed for around three or four days.
So what do YOU think? An everyday tale of underaged urethra-play? Or retrospective wish-fulfillment from the boy who spent too much time reading? TRUE FOREVER? OR LIKE, WHATEVER?
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Nov 30 2004 by jon james
After much moaning and yelping, Dan Hobson and Angela Ward emerged from a bush looking red and uncomfortable in year six.
We rushed around them and shouted: "Did you sex?"
Angela gleefully squeaked "Yes, he put it up me", while Dan showed one of his fingers to his mates and got some of them to smell it.

Now, although we were ten years old and the closest we had got to sex was finding half a muddied page of Razzle in a tree stump, most of us still realised that Daniel should have been offering up his cock for smelling.

After accusations that they never really did it, Angela grew flustered and upon shouting "Yes we did, you can still see it", she hitched up her skirt and showed us the string of a tampax that Dan had inserted into her, apparently believing THIS was sex.

This resulted in an emergency tampon safety lesson, after a pupil told a PE teacher she needed a tampax so she could go all the way with her boyfriend after the school Christmas disco.

A few years on, Angela told me she had four of her dad's dildoes in her backpack, and that he often asked her to 'keep them warm' for him...
She also got pregnant 'in her back' in year nine, and later had a threesome in some mud with Ashley Bell and Janice Walsh, which resulted in Ashley getting dysentery.
approved Mar 30 2008, submitted Apr 2 2006 by Rachael Simpson
Poem found on the wall of a "hut classroom" outside the school.
Baa baa baa, the sheep is in the field.
Baa baa baa, he's keeping his eyes peeled.
Baa baa baa, he's feeling kind of funny.
Baa baa baa, he's looking for his mummy.
The poem then becomes more broken in style, perhaps reflecting the panic of the young sheep. It continues;
He spots his mum in the corner,
He runs to hug his mummy,
But it's not her!
It's a great big rock!
The poem then climaxes with;
Oh no!
No-one can argue that this is the best poem ever.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Jan 22 2004 by anonymous user