The Law of the Playground
the letter t
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A putdown for a pupil who has some brand new article of clothing or possession and has brought it into class to show off. Engage them in conversation and tell them that you really like the coat/bag/whatever and in fact you used to have one yourself a while back, before finishing with "but then my dad got a job". At this point, you may commence the pointing and laughing.
approved Jul 10 2006, submitted Jul 9 2006 by Name Withheld
During a joyless trip to Wales for Geography, the only fun we'd managed to get up to was a fairly innoccuous incident revolving around a coat being thrown in the Severn.
While the more popular children drank White Lightning, three of us were left to our own devices. A conversational lull was eventually filled with hushed and graphic descriptions of which teachers we would like to proper buff. We became less hushed, and more graphic, until - a good five minutes into our now preposterous claims about what we would like to do to Miss Reed - her voice came through the wall, crystal clear, telling us to shut up. In no uncertain terms.
Our faces dropped further than our balls ever had.
Breakfast the next day was a frosty affair, with no parties exchanging little more than an embarrased glance, until we rescued the situation by squashing a cumberland sausage in a Gideon's Bible and put it back on the book shelf.
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Oct 15 2004 by Greg Deacon
If your school had that one-in-a-million child, the boy who could fart on demand, then you could play Think of a Number.
Boy who can fart on demand approaches the mark, and says
"Think of a Number!"
You would think of a number, and tell him what it was. For example, "four".
He would then fart loudly and reply "that was five". The fart added one to your number, you see. And when I tried to be clever by saying infinity (which isn't even a number), I simply got the fart and "that was infinity plus one". Touch. Touch turtle's head, sometimes. Touch cloth. Etc.
approved May 17 2005, submitted May 15 2005 by Shamim Cortazzi
What a load of f**king crap this is- you bunch of white honkie crackers! I bet you're all fudge packing nancy boys!

I'm regretting showing you the site at all now, mum. Conor.
approved Mar 23 2006, submitted Jan 21 2006 by anonymous user
Tom (or 'Askew' as we like to call him (it means "not quite straight" apparently)) was the ugliest person I have ever seen. He had a huge nose that looks to have been grafted very poorly onto his face, terrible acne and perhaps the worst luck imaginable. Generally his mishaps were sex related (usually during 'onesomes'). These ranged from being conned into bringing a porn magazine into school so that we could grass him up for fun; being caught 'in good hands' by his Dad; getting jazz videos stuck in the machine and perhaps most sickeningly of all, shagging his bed.
"Why?" I can hear you cry. The truth is I don't know, don't know why he did it (it can't be very pleasureable surely) and don't know why he told someone (okay, me) about it, I was always going to tell someone (okay, everyone) about it wasn't I?
That'll teach him for calling me gay, the dirty bed shagger.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Oct 17 2003 by James Cooper
What told that there were "three holes to choose from" when having sex with a girl, I interpreted this to mean that women had three vaginas, and the important thing to learn was *which* vagina to penetrate. I had no idea what would happen if you got the wrong one, but I imagined it was like something out of Indiana Jones.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gavin
Often, boys will believe that girls only have one hole - a universal hole for everything. A hole from which drops piss that stinks a bit like poo. And poo that has the golden glisten of piss and babies.
As our understanding inevitablly developed, we discovered that the front hole had ANOTHER two holes in it, like women were a damn Mandlebrot set of ever more specific holes.
One boy who clung to the single-hole theory also believed that a vibrator was a kind of footspa, and that you could ask your hairdresser for a blowjob.
approved Oct 4 2004, submitted Dec 20 2003 by anonymous user, Jon Blyth
I had to explain to our year's alpha male about the trinity of lady holes. I did do slowly, and with the aid of some meticulous diagrams in the back of my chemistry book.
He'd been having sex for two years, but was surprisingly placid throughout my lesson. When I'd finished, he simply looked at me and said 'well, my cat doesn't have three holes'.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted May 10 2004 by peter parker
Inform a friend, on the way to swim lessons, that you have a fascinating story for him and could you please just see his hand? Procure a pen and draw three tiny stick figures on top of his hand. Tell him: "There were three men having a walk. One was blind, one was dumb, and one was deaf. Here goes the blind one (draw the man's trajectory up the arm)--tell him when to stop." Break off the line when your friend says stop. "Here goes the dumb one. Tell him when to stop." Same thing again. "Here goes the deaf one. Tell him when to stop." Your friend will do so. He will become alarmed when, instead of stopping, you scribble all the way up his arm, lacerating it because you're digging so hard. The man is deaf you see. He cannot hear.

You dont have to be on the way to swim lessons, but the man must be deaf.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Jul 18 2003 by Name Withheld
Nickname for an irritating cunt. Also consider piles, for an aggravating arsehole. And perhaps, er, gonorrhoea for a... weeping dick?
approved Jun 11 2005, submitted Jul 7 2003 by RL M
A ritual to be performed when a fart is smelt. The first person to smell it must put their thumb to their forehead in silence. As more people notice either the fart or the people with their thumb to their forehead, they too must put their join in the gesture. The last person to do so must breathe in the entire fart. There is, however, every chance that more that one person will be oblivious to the gesture, so true professionals simply put their thumb to their forehead and carried on working, so as to look cool and disinterested, yet still not losing the game.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mazza
Kirstie had no thumbs and would self consciously hide her hands inside the sleeves of her jumper. What did we call her? Fonzie. Heeeyyyyy.
approved Aug 5 2003, submitted Jul 31 2003 by Andy Mansh
In year 4 at primary school, we would be visited once a week by two 'Special' children from another school, and by way of a reciprication, about half a dozen of us were sent to their school to see their nativity play.
It was morbidly fascinating in its way, not least because the young lad playing one of the shepherds had two thumbs on each hand. As Tom Wood pointed out: "I bet he's wicked at Sonic."
approved Jan 6 2006, submitted Jan 3 2006 by Graham Beverley
Nick-name of our large-bosomed headmistress. For best effect you would shout louder and louder "Thunder... Thunder... THUNDER... THUNDER TITS!!!", accompanied by stretching your jumper out as far as possible to resemble massive, albeit pointy, breasts.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Jan 9 2007 by Bryce Hamilton
A group of French exchange students came to my boarding school when I was sixteen. One of them, Isobelle, caught my eye immediately and I began wooing. I could not speak French and she could not speak English; the only words we knew in each others languages were numbers and colours and stuff. However, we both proved fluent in the international language of teenage love - snogging (with tongues).

So every night after prep we would hop over the school wall, find a cozy nook and snog and say 'bleu' and 'three'.

After a few days of this I went to my French teacher for some advice. I needed some quality lines, you see? Being the fool that I was, I wrote down his suggestion phonetically on my hand.

That night we hopped over the wall as usual. I kissed her, smiled and said "taille moi une pipe, salope".

She smacked me in the mouth, leapt over the wall and I never saw her again apart from when she was in an angry group of Frenchies who all hissed at me in their French way. Like cats.

My french teacher was a cunt. The phrase he taught me means something along the lines of "suck my cock, you whore".
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Nov 28 2004 by Liam The Great
Also abbreviated to the charming 'T.B.', this means a lovely girl. Not really sure how this came about, but it was all the rage in about 1987. Once heard used as a chat-up line: "My mate thinks you're a tidy boiler. Will you go out with him?" Unsuccesful.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Adey
(etymology thereof): I think this came from the popularity of the second series of Auf Wiedersehen, Pet which aired around 86/87. It was a favourite of Oz when confronted by an attractive example of the fairer sex. It went round my workplace recently when Pet was re-run on UK Gold.
approved Jul 3 2003, submitted Feb 26 2003 by Andrew Osler
Entertainment while waiting for fat kids to get dressed after games. Ties would be wrapped around the hand and cracked, sometimes very loudly, like whips. This was widely believed to be because the tip was travelling faster than the speed of sound.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Hugh Morrisson
At my school, there was a strict - yet crude - system of classification according to how you wore your school tie. A 'Slim Jim' was worn by cool kids. A 'Fat Twat' was sported by the geeky, swotty kids. I remember wearing both styles in a crude bi-polar expression of my personality.
approved Jul 10 2003, submitted Jul 8 2003 by Alfonso Gauss
This can only be asked of someone who is wearing a tie and v-neck jumper:

"What does a ship do when it gets to the harbour?"

The answer is, of course, "ties up!", which you shout while swiftly tugging their tie from behind their jumper. Only really results in mild irritation, but it was a popular thing to do.

Log says:
If you see this one coming, try to pull off a daring reversal by shouting "drops anchor" and taking a really fast shit on their shoe

approved Jul 3 2003, submitted Jan 22 2003 by Alan Miller
Actually, at our school, the question "what does a ship do when it arrives at the harbour?" was followed by the questioner immediately shouting "Ties up!" (while flicking the victim's tie up into their face) and "anchors down" (while stamping on their foot).

Saves all that fucking about dropping your trousers and trying to take a shit so fast the person doesn't have a chance to take a single step back and tell everyone you're being a full-blown bronno.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Aug 13 2003 by anonymous user
This test was carried out by a gang of girls waiting just inside the classroom by the door. The leading girl has a ruler. All males entering will find a ruler being poked into genital area. Then, depending on your posture, they would should TIGHT (if you curled up protectively or seemed shy), or LOOSE (if you strode through manfully).
Why? The only explanation I can think of would be that striding in manfully implies that you have nothing to be ashamed of ie a large penis therefore you would be requiring a loose vagina. In this sense, its not a form of feminine intimidation, its simply a pragmatic allocation of available vaginas.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by Michael Dulieu, Jon Blyth
Walk around a crowded playground, saying "tik tik tik tik tik" at every child you walk past. When walking by your victim, simply shout "B'NEH!".
You then may have to inform your victim that you have an idiot detector, otherwise they might just assume you are being retarded.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Name Withheld
1. Squirt a puddle of lighter fluid on the ground.
2. Light it.
3. Skateboard through it, leaving Back to the Future-style columns of fire streaking along behind you.

Gary Beadle learned the hard way that time travel is best performed outdoors.
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Nov 5 2004 by Douglas Finlay
Having been knocked down by a double decker bus, John McCracken sported an artificial tin leg. We were most jealous when he got to miss French once because he was down at tech getting it tightened.
One did not, however, mess with John. In fights, he would remove his leg and effectively batter the fuck out of his opponent with it. John was also very good at hopping.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 27 2005 by Robert Allan