The Law of the Playground
the letter t
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If you want to appear cool before your classmates, one of the last things you should do is bring to art lessons your little lead men to paint various colours. The very last thing you should do is bring in a little lead woman, tell everyone she's "really fit" and "sexily carved", and spend most of the lesson fantasising about having intercourse with her. This means you, Mark Baker, you grubby little freak. If you're going to humiliate yourself by getting a boner in class, it should be over a real person, or at the very least something bigger than a rat's penis.
approved Jun 19 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Dan Wakely
That's exactly what Jon Dale used to do with Elven Cheerleaders. He'd paint tiny labia on their leotards to make it look like they were wearing crotchless panties. Christ. I mean, hats off to his artistic talent, but the more I think about it the more amazed I am I've not seen him feature on Crimewatch.
approved Sep 22 2003, submitted Sep 22 2003 by Nick Hunt
Legendary corrective fluid with multiple uses beyond splodgily painting over fountain pen errors and, of course, sniffing it. Two favourites:
1) Painting boiled sweets with it to create delightful 'mints', and handing them to younger pupils.
2)Upon hearing the shouted request of "lend me your Tipp Ex", painting the outside of the bottle and obligingly throwing it by the cap to assist your hardworking chum.
approved Nov 21 2005, submitted Sep 7 2005 by Eager Dad Jnr
Tipp Ex was banned in our school after a girl painted her face with it and sustained chemical burns. Her younger sister always referred to her as 'the victim', presumably believing that her sibling was somehow attacked by the Tipp Ex.
approved Dec 3 2005, submitted Nov 29 2005 by Mark Rowell
Tipp Ex seemed to be widely prohibited; it was banned at my school too.

The reason we were was given was that it "looked messy" on pupil's work.

So apparently, slightly shiny and bobbly bits of paper are more "messy" then bits of paper covered in pictures of thick spunking cocks and women with their legs open. Right.
approved Dec 18 2005, submitted Dec 12 2005 by Mark D.
Kevin Holcombe painted his 12-inch ruler with a fresh coat of Tipp Ex during every lesson for a whole school year, eventually achieving what can only be described as a diamond-hard block of solid Tipp Ex, and the most sought-after weapon in ages.
approved Sep 19 2006, submitted Sep 9 2006 by anonymous user
Like kiss chase, but the rewards were less disgusting. Simply touch the breast, and go! To a pubescent boy, this is much preferable, unless you're already having real sex and kissing with tongues. Mind, even then, you probably still enjoy touching tits more than kissing.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Graham
Balancing the spirit of Christmas and a dislike for Maria, Duncan simply opened his card in front of her, swapped the names round then handed it straight back to her.
An environmentally sound form of rejection - but one which I felt compelled to apologise for, some years later, by sleeping with the cow, who was frankly hanging.

approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Dec 23 2003 by Name Withheld
The name of the company I made business cards for in year 8. They claimed to cater for "all your hamster's sexual needs". Run from 10 Downing "dtreet".
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Aug 3 2006 by anonymous user
A radiator key is a wonderful implement. For one thing, it allows you remove excess air from your radiators and therefore enable them to produce the maximum amount of heat, which has undoubtedly saved many a pensioner from death by hypothermia.

But in the hands of a group of 10 year old schoolboys intent on mischief, a radiator key can do much much more. We found out that we could lock toilet cubicle doors from the outside using this tool. Naturally, we proceeded to do so at every available opportunity. For two whole weeks the scandal went on. How would the powers-that-be respond to the crisis? Eventually, an assembly was called to address the situation.

"People are locking cubicles from the inside and climbing over, rendering them unusable," barked the headmaster, clearly quite annoyed at the ongoing disruption to toilet usage. A select few, of course, knew different.

A few days after the assembly, it all came to a head. We were midway through securing a toilet door yet again in the boys changing rooms, when in burst the headmaster and the sports teacher in what was no doubt a meticulously planned ambush.

In their excitement the sports teacher proclaimed "Ah ha, Headmaster, we've caught the toilet mountaineers in the act!"

We couldnt help laughing at this ridiculous exclamation from Mr Dresser. Neither could the headmaster. It took some time before order was restored.

Eventually, however, the toilet mountaineers were banged to rights. Fortunately, when they sent a letter home detailing the whole sordid tale, my mum thought it was funny too.

I'm letting this one go because I like it, but if anyone can explain to me exactly how you can lock a toilet door from the outside using a radiator key, please let me know. If it's possible, there's going to be some toilet mountaineering at my workplace, make no mistake. - Matt
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Oct 27 2003 by James W
Well, my plea for information was eventually answered. This isn't a funny entry, but I'm approving it in the hope that it might inspire a new generation of toilet mountaineers. Go on. Tackle that north face - Matt.

You need to have cubicles with a rotating circular bit below the window showing red or green. There should be a slot in the middle of the circle, allowing the key to be inserted.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 11 2005 by anonymous user
The gauntlet is well and truly thrown down by Anonymous User here. I know I'm probably the only person who gives a fuck about this, but I'd like to hear from any readers who just GET OUT THERE AND LOCK THOSE DAMN TOILETS. Lock them like they've never been locked before. - Matt

Feh, who needs a radiator key, or a particular variety of door lock? Was the previous contributor gay? Or stupid? Or both?
Any key, credit card or belt buckle will do. Pull the door closed and hold it with your foot, insert your chosen tool into the outside bit of the lock, and shift it round or across. This is also useful for locking your cousin into the toilet at home and inducing 9-year-old-boy-hysteria.

Someone's done this to the only cubicle that actually locks in the ladies' bogs in the council swimming pool, but I'm buggered if I'm going to be the one who unlocks it.
approved Oct 5 2005, submitted Oct 1 2005 by anonymous user
Anonymous User misses the fucking point by a mile. I despair, I really do. - Matt

Just lock the door from the inside, climb over the top of the stall and into the next lav. Repeat again and again until all toilets in the building are locked.
approved Oct 9 2005, submitted Oct 6 2005 by anonymous user
Anonymous User One tells of a toilet mountaineering variant which might be of interest to small children and midgets. Not quite within the spirit of TRUE toilet mountaineering, which aims to achieve maximum lockage with minimum effort, but an interesting historical footnote nonetheless. And certainly preferable to *tchoh* climbing over the toilet walls. I mean, really.

At junior school the toilet partitions were high enough from the floor to enable me (being of a suitably weedy build) to crawl under the partition in order to achieve toilet lockout.

Anonymous User Two tells of an evil twist in the toilet mountaineering tail.

Wait until the you really badly need a poo. Place a wad of lightly-clumped toilet roll into the bowl before dropping your load, ensuring that the poo remains above the waterline for maximum stink. Wipe, leave and lock.

A group of friends, curry with raisins in for school lunch, and careful planning can result in a dozen reeking and locked cubicles by afternoon break.

Apart from the original story from James W, everyone has submitted entries anonymously to this topic. You should all know by now that to partake in this noble sport is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. - Matt
approved Nov 21 2005, submitted Oct 20 2005 by anonymous user
The best effects come when one child in your class has a serious bladder problem. Faced with the conundrum of locked toilet doors they will come running back into the class crying, with a pool of pee round their ankles. Sorry, Toby.

Glad to see that the trend for anonymity amongst Toilet Mountaineer contributors has been bucked by Kev here. Oh, and * penski wrote in demanding a credit for the stink-out story and claiming that the LotP login function is gay. Sorry, *penski, but not being able to log in makes YOU gay, not the site. You big gay. - Matt
approved Jan 2 2006, submitted Nov 25 2005 by Kev Coutts
My suggestion to all budding toilet mountaineers is to buy a Leatherman. After reading this story I have studied many lavatory doors, and one day soon I plan to take out every public toilet in the city centre.

This is exactly what we want. Let's hope we make it into the newspapers. - Matt
approved Feb 2 2006, submitted Jan 29 2006 by anonymous user
If you walk into a toilet cubicle to find a dirty great fucking big crow sitting on the bowl, there are two options you can follow.
You can slowly back away slowly and find another cubicle, or you can shit everywhere and run screaming through the crowded dining hall with your trousers around your ankles. I chose the latter course of action.
approved Feb 25 2003, submitted Feb 22 2003 by anonymous user
1. Grab a roll of toilet paper
2. Put one end in the toilet and throw the roll to your friend in the next cubicle. Get your friend to tear it off and put his end in his toilet.
3. Flush both toilets simultaneously.

The winner is the toilet that pulls the bigger half of the paper down its greedy sluice.

A knock-out tournament can then be organised to discover the "ultimate toilet". Nick Ledwell was incredibly proud that he used the ultimate toilet until it was pointed out that this was the toilet that loved guzzling shit the most, making it the ultimate gay toilet. And so the ultimate toilet became the least-used toilet.
approved Nov 23 2005, submitted Nov 22 2005 by Pogglesnatch

  • Make a loose fist, with the thumb and forefinger hoop at the top.
  • Ask a friend to put their finger into the hoop.
  • Ask if they would be so kind as to wiggle their finger around for a moment.
  • Inform them that they have just cleaned your toilet. With their finger.

approved May 19 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Mike Westbrook
The comeback to this is, of course, "So you shit in your hand, then?"
approved Nov 11 2006, submitted Sep 19 2006 by anonymous user
Two 'special' kids, one called Tom and one called Robert. Robert was big and dumpy and knew all the bus times, Tom was skinny and smelly and went everywhere with his snorkel pipe parker jacket hood done up, even in summer. Every breaktime two of us were picked to look after their retarded asses to make sure that Tom didn't set the fire extinguisher off...again. Everyone hated being picked to be the spastic sheepdogs, but it became a feature of break that we would back them into a quiet corner of the playground and then make them snog each other with tongues. Robert liked it but Tom hated it and would make a noise he called 'snarling'...a gutteral growl. Strangely we never tired of this innocent fun.
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Dec 7 2004 by anonymous user
Thomas Locking made a very bad mistake in confiding to me, in nonchalant tones, for all the world as though it was nothing to be deeply ashamed of, that his dad had had a vasectomy. Within the hour, everybody knew about Tom's Dad's jaffaness, and the fact that he could no longer come.
Things became worse for him in more ways than he could ever have imagined when he informed us that, "He CAN come, there just isn't anything IN it!"
approved Oct 29 2005, submitted Oct 25 2005 by anonymous user
Further Catch 22-ery.

"Do you sleep with Tony Hart?"

When the victim (it had to be a he, for obvious reasons) replied in the negative you could smugly answer "what, you haven't got a toe a knee and a heart, cripple?"

Obviously an affirmative answer is too, too dark to even consider.
approved May 20 2003, submitted Apr 15 2003 by - supermoving -
The phrase which inexplicably made Ian May cry.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted May 3 2004 by stuart heritage
I wasn't a hard kid and I played a musical instrument, so I didn't qualify for the top floor of the bus. However from my vantage point on the bottom deck of the bus I was afforded a cracking view of one of the top floor windows, having been kicked out at some speed, narrowly missing the teacher on bus duty.
I learned two amazing facts that day:
  1. You can drop a bus window from the full height of a double decker bus onto concrete and still have it not break.
  2. You can get away with such a wanton act of destruction under the weak guise of "trying to kill a wasp".
If I'd been a bit harder I would have been able to give you the top-floor-of-the-bus-point-of-view of that story which I'm sure is far more sexy and dangerous. As it is, I can instead play the violin to an extremely low standard.
approved Jul 15 2005, submitted Jul 1 2005 by Mr Onions
One of the large windows of our third floor french classroom was pushed out and onto the ground as a result of a wasp assassination plot which went badly wrong. This was even better than it sounds, because when Ian smashed the large textbook into the window, he did so under direct orders from our teacher. An evil insect died, an entire class of children got to watch a large piece of glass get smashed, and the teacher had no-one to blame but himself. Absolutely bloody marvellous.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 22 2005 by Davy .
Game named quite obviously after the gayest film of all time. When the top gun craze hit these shores, the playground variant involved running around with arms outstretched to form "wings" and their thumbs sticking out to form deadly guns. To lock on to your quandary, you had to make a series of beeps. Once you were making a constant lock tone, you could fire your missile. The only option left to your enemy would be to apply their air brakes, which they did by turning their thumbs upward. You missiles would then sail harmlessly by. Thus, no-one ever got hit by the missiles, and the game degraded into physical attacks on the first person to rely on "air brakes".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matd
It's hard to know how soon is "too soon", and it's perhaps fair to say that we didn't know, one particularly sombre morning when we were called into assembly to be told of the death of our science teacher in a boating accident. His name was Mr Rowbottom.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 6 2003 by Alexander Po
I had a mate at school who was so homophobic that the word 'touche' would cause him to shudder in revulsion. In his twisted mind, that was the word gay men used whilst swordfighting with their willies.

Methought the lady didst protest too much.
approved Jul 26 2005, submitted Jun 26 2005 by Will Dixon
Our primary school was an old Victorian pile with a disused toilet block out the back. Carved into the door of this was the name 'Kevin Traas'. My friends Scott and Carl realised that this meant the toilet block was haunted, and the name of the spectre was Kevin.
'Looking for Kevin Traas' became a major pastime, in which we would all traipse around the school with a toy Ghostbusters PKE Meter (which Scott insisted on calling an 'Amy Peeker') which had been prised open and an old circuit board inserted to 'make it work'.
Kevin even made an appearance in our English lessons. Scott, Carl and my other friends eschewed the traditional 'what I did at the weekend' for stories in which they entered the old toilet block, found a subterranean tunnel, in which was Kevin Traas, who was by now a blood-soaked ghoul, and fully illustrated as such. They then proceeded to blast the undead Hell out of Kevin with, invariably, a pump action shotgun. Kevin Traas never stood a chance.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Dec 21 2004 by Ross Gillson
Arriving late to the changing rooms, Andrew was asked where he'd been. 'Oh', he said, 'I've just been upstairs getting my tracksuit trousers'. Unfortunately, Aaron misheard him, thinking he'd used the phrase 'tracksuit trumps' as a plummy nickname for the good old British PE kit. Cue much 'ohhh, tracksuit trumps' mockery in cod-upper class voices. Quite unfair, and probably quite confusing for Andrew, who may have thought that a dangerous new game of tracksuit trumps was being invented.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Sr Davidson
A kid, a couple of years our junior, who used to make the beeping noise of a train door opening, thinking it made him popular. A large group would gather round him and chant 'Make the train noise' repeatedly until he began beeping, then a hushed silence would descend until he had finished. It would then go one of two ways - we would make him do it again or we would disperse whispering 'that kid's a right wierdo'. It was all very surreal.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jim Gibson
While Train Boy's impression was surreal, "Smelly" John Stephenson's car alarm impression was merely shrill - very realistic indeed.
I can't remember whether his car alarm impression was a response to getting beaten up, or whether he was beaten up because the impression was so annoying.
Anyway, just imagine one boy getting punched in the face, and whooping repetetively.
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Feb 20 2004 by Name Withheld
Quite what posessed Andrew Meadon to get up in front of 700 boys and act out scenes from Independence Day and Ace Ventura for our "talent" show, I do not know. What I do know was that they all seemed to involve the NHS-specced, dirty-coated spacker flailing around the stage like a Welsh whirling dervish, shouting barely comprehensible Will Smith-icisms...
Saying that, his veloceraptor impression was truly top drawer. Blue ribbon stuff....
approved May 18 2006, submitted Apr 30 2006 by Josh Gardner