The Law of the Playground
the letter t
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The stories regarding Legalion are legendary and some of them have "grown legs" and taken on a life of their own, to the point where I believe the story and the truth have taken divergent paths. Some local acts of cruelty and criminality attributed to Legalion, I know categorically to be the work of others.nnThe lesser known "Dus" and not Legalion, for example, was the kid who lost his legs in the train accident, and had a pair of slippers sent to him in hospital anonymously with the greeting "Hope you're soon back on you feet" (rumoured to be from the Oakleigh cops). The involvement of the train led some ill-informed people to attribute it to Legalion. Legalion was riding a bike around, doing his trade mark "You're Bald !" scream at strangers, months after supposedly losing his legs. I know this as a fact because I remember seeing Dus and his dad BOTH in wheel chairs at the Murrumbeena shops. (His dad was fucked up from diabetes). It had a profound impact because I saw this former super tuff shit who previously had everyone in absolute fear of him - now a harmless trolley of junk hangin' with his Dad !!nnDus was the one who pelted a handful of rocks point blank into Mrs Hughes' face. Legalion was rarely cruel or overtly violent towards others, which makes me sceptical about the scissors in the head story, although its tag about defecating on the stairs sounds like his work.nnI therefore intend to only chronicle Legalion feats that were personally witnessed by either myself, or the immediate circle of reliable witnesses like Veli, Mark Symonds etc, or those stories related by Legalion himself. In regard to the latter, whilst Richard liked to impress, I never got the impression that he was bullshitting us. Like an evangelist he was constantly exhorting us to ride the trains with him. Those of us who did, invariably witnessed stunts far more risky and life threatening than those described by Richard as having taken place in our absence. You'll have to take his word for it.nnPart One: Early Train Pranks and "The Tea Party"nnLegalion was obsessed by trains and it never ceases to amaze me that people see train spotter types as benign, boring and safe types. I now think, after witnessing Legalion's antics and my "Puffing Billy" experiences, that these people are perhaps amongst the most volatile and psycho sexually disturbed on the planet. Legalion's train obsession included train sets at home with which he would organise Gomez Addams style train wrecks for his own amusement and vinyl LP recordings of train noises. One I recall, had the rather sinister title of Locos At Night and had a lino cut picture of this big black menacing steam train flying through the rain at night. There was a definite link between trains and Richard's Libido. Craig Guerin recalls the time he went round to play trains and got bored after a couple of hours and went into the lounge room to watch telly. Legalion kept playing alone and after some time emerged, with a bottle of cooking oil in one hand and his dick in the other and began beating off.nnBut these surrogate toys were no match for his real life obsession with real trains. Richard often skipped class to ride the trains, and would spend whole days just travelling "the Met". He had all the "Hex" and "Square" and "H" keys that gave him access to doors between carriages (Funny how I still recall the different types) and most importantly the roof. This allowed Richard to indulge his passion for train surfing. Now a common activity, train surfing was quite new to us in 1975. One odd part of it was that when the pantograph on the roof hit joins in the wires it would spark, and Richard would often come back into the carriage with black sooty looking shit on his hands and neck. I recall asking him if it hurt, which elicited the now oft used classic line about which you inquired, in response. "Nah, it sorta burns me but it doesn't hurt me"nnOne other prank that required assistance was the "Monkey Swing", where two accomplices would hold open the automatic doors with their feet. Richard would then stand in the doorway facing inwards, grab the top of the doorway and swing back and forth whilst emitting loud gibbon style shrieks. The trick with this one was timing the swing so that you swang OUT between the pylons and IN before you got too close to the next one. This led to the legendary event where Richard fell out at Holmesglen and cut his arse to ribbons (although Richard claimed that he deliberately let go to avoid hitting the pylon).nnNOTE: I think this event also contributed to the "no legs" rumour.nnBy far his most appealing prank to me was the Tea Party. At hard rubbish collection time he recruited a team of accomplices who scavenged nature strips for various articles at Richard's instruction. A small coffee table and a TV. An armchair, a lamp and a rug. And finally a cup and saucer. These were all carted to the Holmesglen bridge. (After stopping off at Gardiner's Creek to harpoon some fluro tubes into the rocks and watch them explode) I think Holmesglen was the preferred location because of the many possible escape routes. (I don't know if you remember that overgrown raised up area where kids went to ride trail bikes and smoke ciggies which is now under the South Eastern Freeway?).nnThe items were set up ON THE TRACKS to resemble a lounge room. Legalion was like some fussy interior designer, making sure we put all the stuff in an aesthetically pleasing position. When satisfied with the layout, Richard took his place in the arm chair, "watching" the TV and having a quiet cuppa. The whole scenario with the rug and the refinement of the saucer, was very pythonesque, although I imagine the terrified train driver had a different view as his train bore down on the "lounge room", its breaks squealing and sparks coming off the tracks. At the last second, as we all screamed "Now !" (In fact I began screaming "now!" when the thing was a bout 2 miles away) at Richard, he catapulted himself backwards up and out of the chair as the train smashed the TV and furniture to bits. The TV exploded. We then ran like hell outta there. This event made the Chadstone Progress and Progress Press (local papers) and I became shit scared of getting caught, or worse, having Mum and Dad find out, and scaled back my involvement with Legalion after this.nnThere was a definite sense that Legalion's prank path was a little more extreme than I was comfortable with and would lead to a stint in Turana (Youth detention centre).The Tea Party worried me because the cops came to school to ask a few questions and I was convinced some one was gonna squeal. I think Tyrell diverted them to Oakleigh Tech School. Another common one was to get the Glen Waverley express from Flinders St on Friday night. This gave Richard an uninterrupted journey of around 40 minutes to "surf and swing" or if he was in a more pensive mood, just "flash browns". On the way in at Flinders Street, Richard would have himself pushed out of the door on his skateboard and go careering along the platform knocking people over whilst again screaming "You're bald !" to everyone.nnRichard had some type of mentor, who in retrospect, given later revelations, may have been some type of boyfriend, who worked for V-Line as a driver on the country lines. This bloke was the source of all the keys and inside knowledge. This bloke lost his job because he let Richard dance naked up and down the top of one of those Y-class diesel locos. He was spotted at Diggers Rest, the train stopped and both were arrested. I think this was how he eventually wound up in Turana, but I'm not sure, because there was all that shit about grabbing girls tits (that resulted in his really poor "Identikit" likeness in the paper and that we thought he was never busted for) going on at around the same time. I recall going to a party at Louise Gough's, which was crashed by some tuff shits, one of whom had just got out of Turana. We thought we'd impress the guy and assembled chicks by saying we knew Legalion, thinking his "rep" probably carried a bit of weight. The tough shit gave us a real weird scowl, and said "Legalion ?? He's a fucking poof. He used to give head jobs for smokes in Turana !" then turned away in disgust. So much for impressin' the chicks !!nnTo be continued.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Davern White
A Dundee ode to the fat.

Fatty cin ye bounce
Cin yer erse cha choony?

Which asks the question "can that bottom chew gum?"
approved Jul 3 2003, submitted Dec 28 2002 by Michael Fordyce
Tranny = old-speak for transistor radio. Our friend Matt, pissed off at having his radio confiscated, was berated by the confiscating teacher, who told him that it "was his own fault for bringing a trannie into school". The rest of the day involved sketching Matt with a hairy bloke in stockings saying "Why can't I come to school with you, Matt? Are you ashamed of me?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Joe Breeze
for the child who is intensely competitive but too fat to play sport, there is the Transform-a-Snack race. Packets cost 10p a bag, and up to three bags could be used in any one race. The game is played while walking rapidly, and an adjudicator is required to apply improvised penalties should a crisp fall on the floor. Conceivably, more than three bags could be used, but after three bags of rapidly eaten Transform-A-Snacks, the roof of your mouth is painfully tattered, and it becomes a test of endurance rather than speed.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Our teacher hadn't turned up, so we were making a steadily increasing amount of noise. We eventually attracted the attention of Mr. Cowley, who asked me to report that a supply teacher was required.
I refused a couple of times, showing off, until Cowley became irritated, and threatened me with detention. So I slouched off, grumbling, to find the year head. As I walked past Cowley, and in full view of the class, he smacked my arse.
I was fifteen at the time and horrified for 2 similar, but distinct reasons:
  1. Bender Cowley had just smacked my arse.
  2. Bender Cowley had just smacked my arse in front of all my mates.
He may well have meant it as a gesture to snap me out of my slouch and speed me up, but to everyone in the class, it was a private, tender moment of bum-fondling between two very gay lovers.
They proceeded to draw cartoons of Cowley doing various foul things to me, culminating in a cartoon on the main notice board, of me being fisted by Cowley whilst wearing a bondage mask and a speech bubble protruding from my mouth declaring that I didn't want him to use any lubricant.
approved Aug 30 2007, submitted Nov 14 2005 by captive anus
Trebor Mints are a minty bit stronger. Stick them up your bum and they last a bit longer.

This is true.

approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 24 2003 by Susan Tobacco
"New Trebor Mints are a minty bit strongerrrr....Stick 'em up your arse and they'll last a bit longerrrr"
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Oct 31 2004 by Tom Wardley
The law states that every pupil who dies during their school career must have a small unhealthy-looking tree dedicated to their memory planted somewhere in the school grounds.
approved May 19 2005, submitted Nov 30 2004 by Spooky Dougal
A kid in our school collapsed and died after sniffing Tipp-ex.

He got a bench in the quad.
approved Jun 16 2005, submitted Jun 13 2005 by Eddie Ronan
A poor guy in our school died in a flat fire and we got a brand spanking new jungle gym to play on, with a little plaque that said it was dedicated to poor Jimmy, so we could remember how horribly poor Jimmy died when we were playing space pirates.
approved Oct 23 2007, submitted Jul 13 2005 by Name Withheld
Trevor is the standard name by which tramps are known. Replace the X with the surname of the person you are insulting for a highly personalised Trevor insult. For example, if you are insulting Chris Holmes; "Ooww, Trevor Holmes, can't afford no food, lives in a skip, Trevor Holmes." This could conceivably be sung to the tune of Particle Man, by They Might Be Giants.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
More commonly known as a 'setsquare', this pretentiously named weapon could do untold damage to the neck, thanks to its three mighty blades, or corners.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Oct 28 2003 by Pete Smith
The Flexicurve - a bendy ruler used for drawing curves, but essentially a bar of rubber wrapped around a metal core. It doubled up as an amazingly effective cosh and thinking back, it reminds of that bit out of Lock, Stock... where that bloke gets beaten to death with a big, floppy rubber dildo.
approved Feb 8 2006, submitted Feb 6 2006 by Zastrozzi the Master of Discip
A rumour spread like wildfire, that "a Triad" was waiting outside, at the school gate and was killing anybody who tried to leave. This was "proved" by a first year who's mate had just been beaten up by the Triad, and that he had nunchucks and Uzis in the boot of his car, and everything.
It was later suggested that the Oriental looking man, waiting to collect his child, may not have actually been a member of the Triads.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Jan 7 2005 by Gareth Thomas
One step up from the wood block. Conceivably just as boring, the only fun that could be had from the triangle was by watching the clumsier members of the class set the instrument spinning with a clumsy strike on the side. Trying to stop it with their "beater", they would end up making a loud out-of-sync ting.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Mark Clay
When stories of third nipples circulate at the same time as you are being taught about dinosaurs, the Triceratit will be born.
approved May 19 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Chris Warren
Quite simply the coolest thing anyone could ever have. Apart from mag wheels. And the memorised code for infinite lives and level selection on Manic Miner.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 18 2003 by Jon Blyth
In which the object of the game was to break the one school tricycle, accidentally. A common strategy relied in strength in numbers, as no single blame could be laid. This provided ample opportunity for beating the child who had been allowed to ride it that playtime.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by A
The school tricycle? Riding the tricycle, a playtime reward? Are you making this up, A.?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
From the CBBC's interview with Kym Marsh, who is "about to be a huge solo star"; proof of the need for a nostalgia licence, to stop idiots using it...
CBBC : Did you have a nickname at school?
Kym : I had lots but the main one I think was Trio, that my brother used to call me Trio because there used to be a biscuit years ago named Trio and there was a girl on the advert named Susie who had the biggest mouth and my brother used to call me Trio because he said I had a big mouth, I was very loud. I can't imagine why he thought that.
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Mar 15 2004 by Jon Blyth
As well as being an above average chocolate bar, with an advert featuring a big-mouthed girl demanding chocolate to the tune of Harry Belafonte's Day-O, Trio was a fun game.
Rules : A wooden bench with a back was pulled a foot away from the wall. As many targets as possible would crouch behind it, and pop their heads up every few seconds. Those who couldn't fit behind the bench (as this was queerly the more popular playing position) would stand several feet away, and throw things at their heads as they popped up, like Whack Attack moles.
The reason this game is called Trio? The targets would sing "Trio", to the tune of Harry Belafontes "Day-O" as they poked their heads above the bench.
(To a Pokmon-savvy observer, who is aware of the taming process, the fact that most Pokmon can only say syllables from their own names, and the popping up and down nature of the Diglett family, this must have looked like nothing so much as cheeky wild Dugtrios being tamed by a violent trainer. Dear Jesus, I'm a total Pokmon wanker - Log)
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Apr 16 2004 by Jimbo B.
3 Jacob's Crackers and 2 Dairylea cheese triangles. A double-decker cheese and cracker snack AS BIG AS A HOUSE! Those who didn't eat the cheese triangles saved them for throwing under the wheels of the bus which was, to 12-year old boys, the equivalent of pushing grannies onto train tracks or something.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jared Earle
Futuristic suffix, essential in games involving robots or Daleks.
Usage: put on a metallic voice and declare "I. AM. ALANATRON. EX. TER. MIN. ATE." A warning to people whose names rhymed with Tron, though. "I. AM. JOHN. TRON." makes you sound like a bit of a gaybot, marks you out as a target for ex. sperm. in. ation.
Tron making regular objects sound futuristic and robotic, it's arguable that William's arcade game Robotron 2024 was gilding the lily a touch.
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 11 2005 by Alana S, Jon Blyth
Tron gave me possibly one of the most convoluted nicknames ever. My surname is Smith, so this was corrupted to 'Squiff' by the Oscar Wildes in my class. An English teacher who was constantly trying to be 'down with the kids' then started calling me 'Squiffy', which after a while evolved into him calling me 'Squiffotron' whilst making robot-like movements. I didn't start complaining until he started shouting 'ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE!' whenever he asked me a question that took me more than a few seconds to answer.

The same teacher later accused me of constantly looking at porn on the internet in a speech he made at our A Level presentation evening, in front of all the students and parents from my year. He later denied it, but the scars run deep. O'Shaughnessy, you're a bastard.
approved Oct 5 2005, submitted Oct 3 2005 by Name Withheld
From the age of about 8 until his late teens, my younger brother, Phil, kept a tupperware box of trumps under his bed. I remember Phil first telling me about his 6 week old collection and, me being his senior, I could only congratulate him on this fine antholgy.
He would run home from the swings, excuse himself from Sunday dinner, whatever it took to ensure a safe deposit. Years later we opened it and to this day, I know I'll never smell anything like it (think ammonia with depth) - this was pre-ebay days otherwise I reckon Phil would now be a squillionaire and I, a proud brother.
How much would YOU pay for a box of trumps? Earlier on, I ate a corned beef pasty and I've got the tupperware ready and waiting - Mansh
approved Oct 22 2005, submitted Oct 20 2005 by anonymous user
Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert's dribbling spunk
Hugh Puked on Barney McGrew, Cuthbert dribbled on Grub

Trumpton nostalgia lost its charm in 1992, when a bar in Manchester called Barney McGrews opened its doors. This bar was immediately populated by groups of people saying;
  • Do you remember Trumpton?
  • God, how did it go again?
  • How did the windmill go on Camberwick Green?
  • No, that was Ivor the Engine.
  • Camberwick Green was one of the first spin-offs, actually.
  • Mork and Mindy was a spin-off too, you know. 100% fact.
  • Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert's dribbling spunk!!
  • Hugh Puked on Barney McGrew, Cuthbert dribbled on Grub!!!
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham, Craig Hudson