The Law of the Playground
the letter t
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A wooden measuring wheel on a stick. With this ingenius device, everyone would eventually get their golden chance to measure the length of the playground.
Envious fellow pupils could only look on helplessly, and occasionally point out of the window.
approved Mar 11 2004, submitted Mar 10 2004 by Ponky Ponk
The itinerary of every week at some schools;
Monday's Marriage Day
Tuesday's Toes Day
Wednesday's Wedding Day
Thursday's Divorce Day
Friday's Flip Up Day
Monday
The first person of the opposite sex you touched that day, would be your "spouse" for the week. This of course was dreadful for the girls - imagine not getting the husband you wanted! And dreadful for the boys, who still felt they had to play the field.
Tuesday
You *had* to walk around on your heels all day with your toes pointing up. If anyone saw your feet flat on the ground, they would stomp the them. The only thing that made this awkward and painful day bearable was keeping a lookout for other people's feet to smash.
Wednesday
Wedding day. Exactly the same as Monday. This is what happens when you let us girls take too much of a role in inventing games.
Thursday
Divorce Day. Although optional, everyone would get divorced on this day - no-one wanted to be married over the weekend. Enjoy your four days of freedom, boys - because on Monday, you will be married again.
Friday
Flip Up Day. The boys' contribution to the week. On Friday, the boys would become the "lezzes", and would flip up the hem of any girl wearing a skirt, exposing their underwear. The boys, being lezzes, would take sexual pleasure from this. Eventually the girls stopped wearing dresses on Friday, and the lezzes tried flipping up our shirts. At this stage, Flip-Up Friday developed quickly into Friday Fuck Off, where boys attempting to fondle freshly divorced girls were met with a swift kick in their lesbian bollocks.
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Feb 9 2005 by Name Withheld
A medal for people showing pride in something relatively unimpressive.
"Look at my picture of a house. I havent gone over the lines once."
"What do you want, a Tufty Badge?"
Also offer them , an O.B.E., a biscuit, or a big shiny fucking medal
approved May 7 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by Kaye Berry
Used when denying someone a pleasure. Based on "tough luck", or "tough shit". Most prevalently used on or after road safety day. "Tufty Club!" you shout.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Bug, 'cause it was his actual nickname.
Jug-Lug, 'cause his ears stuck out like jug handles.
Tug-A-Lug, 'cause after sneaking off from registration into the toilets after lunch, a swift guerilla raid caught him mid-wank.
All combined into the ultimate all-purpose nickname - Tug-A-Lug-Jug-Lug-Bug. A masterpiece of insult engineering that resonates to this day.
We let him finish his wank though. We weren't THAT cruel.
approved Mar 3 2003, submitted Mar 3 2003 by Karma Assassin
Exclamation used immediatly after a teacher has said "shhh!" to form an approximation of a rude word. On consulting with colleagues I am reliably informed this practice goes back to at least the 1940s.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Hugh Morrisson
That chip which appears on every tenth plate, with an end both greeny-blackened and foul-tasting. The discovery of the turd chip leads to this conversation.
A : Want a chip?
B : How unexpectedly kind. Thanks.
A : Here you go.
B : Er, not that one. It's the turd chip.
A : Go on, eat it. Nature made it. It's normal.
B : Well you eat it then.
A : No way, it's got AIDS.
It would then be thrown at a poor boy, and if it hit him, he would be deemed to have eaten it.
approved Jun 21 2004, submitted Dec 10 2003 by Humphrey Astley, Jon Blyth
An all-purpose and general insult derived from a Japanese kid who naturally spoke in broken swear words. Still, parents were rich, so no-one cared. The phrase took a sinister turn, when he masturbated over another kids pillow while he slept.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Eval Sabino
A friend of mine convinced me that this (utterly fantastic, i now realise) song by The Vapors was in fact called 'done a japanese', and that it was a song about having done a particularly noxious fart, known (for reasons not recorded by history) as "a japanese".
We were too young to realise it was about wanking, which would have been funnier.
approved Nov 1 2004, submitted Oct 26 2004 by gary simpson
A supply science teacher told us about the 'TV Hitler' game. It was apparently invented by him and his flatmate.

What you do is, turn the tv off and with a black felt tip draw a small black rectangle somewhere on the screen. Then turn the tv back on again, and if someone on the tv stands behind the black mark, making it look like they have a Hitler 'tache within fifteen seconds, you get a point. Bonus points are awarded if it is a toddler or an old woman.

Try it at home now. You KNOW you want to. - Matt
approved Sep 30 2006, submitted Sep 29 2006 by Kev Leam
For a long time, a young and good looking Christian female teacher at our boy's Grammar school was under the unfortunate but rather amusing misapprehension that the definition of the word "twat" was "a female goldfish", and would regularly call people "you little twat" when they'd messed something up. When some enterprising fifth year brought in an "adult" dictionary and pointed out the real definition her face stayed red for about a month.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Darsy
This echoes a young belief in Nottingham, that a twat was either (i) a pregnant goldfish or (ii) a very silly twit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
- "Twat!"
- "Twat you say? I cunt hear you!"
- "Must have an ear infucktion!"
- "Better finger it out!"
Although it ends a bit rubbish, at least you get to shout this, because you're having difficulty hearing each other.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Jan 31 2004 by Cindy Jo
Don't know about this one. Chances are it was probably just a random swear word.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kris Foster
Twatblanket; slang, sanitary towel.
approved May 12 2003, submitted Jan 26 2003 by Jonny Boy
This is in fact a sanitary towel. I know this because my sister is 14 and has periods.
approved May 12 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by Alex Pinhey
A boy who was big, mono-syllabic, and, more importantly, easy to run away from. We would gather as many people as we could (preferably really small kids who are themselves the victims of incessant abuse - this made more of an impact) and approach the said person. There would follow a rousing chorus of "Oy! Tweedle-Dum! Chase me, chase me..." After a while of this sort of thing, a rumbling would begin, deep in the ground, as this fat, fat monster would rise from his seat. In epic, slow-motion movements, that would often be accompanied by a rousing chorus of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" he would give terrifying chase, causing everyone to scatter easily out of his path.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nic D
All you have to do is make someone say the same thing twice. After they say the same phrase for the second time, you shout TWICE! in their face, and run away laughing to tell your friends how you just twiced someone, and it was amazing.

Stakes could be raised by twicing teachers, or twicing someone twice.
approved Oct 18 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by Alistair Hatch
Changing room game. When a small child (victim) bends down to put his socks on, a boy tall, hard, and shameless enough pins the victim's face to the wall by reversing his arse onto it at fearsome speed. The victim's natural reaction will be to either avoid cracking his head on the wall (a softer but more disgusting fate) or to avoid the approaching arsehole (possibly resulting in concussion). For best results, the victim's nose may actually enter the anus.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
Twinkle twinkle little star what you say is what you are If you say it back to me You're a hairy chimpanzee Immunity from everything follows.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bex
In Bio, we were all encouraged to think up cute names for the formaldehyde-smelling, frozen creatures we were dissecting. Hence, the Twitchy song.
Twitchy, slimy and dead,
Twitchy, we cut off your head,
Twitchy, how we love to cut you up.
*shake fist and make maraca sound*
Kidney, round and brown,
Kidney, we found you on the ground,
Kidney, you look like a bean I ate.
*maraca sound*
Liver, big and brown,
Liver, you are schloratic,
Liver, you take up too much of the rat.
*maracas sound*
Small intestine, long and pink
Small intestine, you really stink,
Small intestine...*long pause* ...there ought to be more to this verse.
*fin*
This became something of a school anthem for a while, and perhaps even lives on to this day.
approved May 12 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Name Withheld
We discovered the name of our wierdo gay physics teacher one day when his teacher friend came into our class to speak to our form teacher. The only words we heard were:
"Two things, Barry Berndes..."
Which quickly became the most said thing ever. To this day, I try to get myself into situations where I have two points to make to someone, so I can say "Two things.......
....
.................
Barry Berndes".
Often, I miss out crucial third things just so that I can say it. Shame I don't work with anyone else who was in my class really. If I did, meetings would be ace.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Feb 3 2004 by Rock Hardon
This idiotic offering from our Spanish teacher quickly became the method of silencing your classmates:
"Two words- shut up now."
approved Apr 17 2005, submitted Oct 16 2004 by Hana the Erskinator
Method of twisting the balls of other male children in order to speed their submission. Agreed best practice was to shout "two-ball-screwball" during the twist.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Leo Farthing
Based on the popular Punt/Dennis nostalgia confection, the Screwball, which was a cone of ice cream with a ball of chewing gum in the nib. Lucky children sometimes found two balls of chewing gum, less fortunate children had their nuts twisted on the floor.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
(A note from the editors. We're not perfect here - we occasionally approve urban legends, or simply rubbish entries. But we feel that you shouldn't be deprived of some of the richer entries that we have to plough through. To this end, we give you 'tying terry up and pissing on him'. Make your own mind up.)

It would be nice to claim some structured or artistic reason for it but there wasn't one. The pastime simply entailed tying Terry up and then pissing on him. Oh, and we shoved straw up his arse sometimes, as well
Bizarrely, whenever we called for him to come out to play with us he always did.
approved Oct 7 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by Bob McBride
Isn't this meant to be a site for capers and chicanery of your school years ? This reads more like a social services dossier. What next? "How we used to fist Barry and shit on his chest"?
Log says:
Readers. Did you used to fist barry and shit on his chest? If you did, please submit your story to The Law of the Playground, the world's premier resource for underage scatfistery. Seriously, Monty, we don't know what we are, and clearly neither do our contributors. So just roll with it.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by uncle monty
Ah, I see what you mean. Yes, it reads as if the straw was clinically, almost surgically, inserted up his arse, which would, of course, imply seriously flawed behaviour in chaps of any age.
Nothing of the sort. We merely grabbed rough handfuls of straw (We lived in a rural community) and rammed them manfully and light-heartedly up his arse.
Sorry about any misunderstanding.
approved Oct 10 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Bob McBride
Well, we made Stephen Mottram eat a dog turd off his own fake commando knife after we stole his shoes and filled his trousers with gravel. And it's still funny. Especially since he had three brothers who used to trap him in a bin and steal his clothes, and they all had two paper rounds and a milk round each so they could finance their fat mum's persian cat habit.
approved Nov 30 2005, submitted Nov 29 2005 by Dan Jewett-Warner