The Law of the Playground
the letter u
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After stupidly letting on that, in fact, I, Paul, really did have birdshit on my finger, the games name was shouted by every person in earshot. An impromptu game of it! begins, and I had to wipe it on someone so as to a birdshit covered sympathiser, or, if lucky, change the name of the game to uh! [someone elses name] has got birdshit on their coat!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
An unbelievably manly game devised by a group of friends during one of many uneventful PE lessons. It involved throwing a stone into the air and waiting, face up, for it to come back down. The aim was to "catch" it on your forehead.
Damien broke his tooth and started crying. The rubbish baby.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Jan 9 2005 by Name Withheld
Finding a tampon (easier at a time when period party bags have been handed out), soak it thoroughly in red ink, and tie to the spoke of your victim's umbrella. When he opens it up, the tampon will swing and slap around, dripping its cargo on the child's clothes and head until he looks up and - hopefully - screams like a prize bitch.
If you have more time on your hands, put one on every spoke, like a grisly cork hat.
Any boy so fucking pompous as to own an umbrella deserves to briefly believe he has menses on his face.
approved Jul 7 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Name Withheld
Chorused, often in crescendo, at anyone breaking those petty primary school rules such as underlining the date but not the title. "Ummmmm, I'm telling of yooooou."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Holly
You could escape being told on by shouting BUM loudly while the 'ummmmm' was still going on, and before the rest started.
Doing it in lessons was a calculated gamble on which would get you into less trouble - being told on, or shouting 'bum'.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Feb 24 2003 by Name Withheld, A
A household brand scribbled in the back of a Physics book which, upon inception, managed to throw my friend Danny into fits of tearful laughter for an hour. No-one else has ever laughed at it since.
Readers! Do you have a memory that only you find funny? Why not tell the world, so you can tell as many people who probably won't find it funny as you possibly can?
approved Jul 7 2004, submitted Dec 23 2003 by Uncle Mudge
"Masai Cattle"

The oft-repeated phrase that would make Nigel Burrows and only Nigel Burrows weep with laughter. The source of merriment was a Geography textbook photo showing a herd of the skinniest, saddest cows anyone had ever seen. The Masai, of course, use cows as currency so will own as many as possible, regardless of their near-death condition.
approved Jan 22 2008, submitted Jan 27 2006 by Cam Winstanley
Get ready and hold on to your sides, boys and girls.

Whilst playing in my back garden, a friend and I discovered that my garden shed was locked with a padlock made by a lock manufacturer called Plumbob. Finding this highly amusing, we hid behind my garden gate and shouted "PLUMBOB!" at people walking down the path on the other side. We soon grew tired of this, however and went inside to play on the Acorn Electron.
approved Feb 14 2006, submitted Feb 10 2006 by Eric Shun
Slightly imaginative name for wedgies, or chadding. A cross between Uncle Fester and Vesta packet meals. Uncle Vesta went on to host a series of Gory Stories. We never wrote the Gory Stories, but we did enjoy saying "Uncle Vesta's Gory Stories" in low voices.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
One of my teachers picked up his seven year old daughter from school a few weeks ago, and asked her how her day had been. "Oh it was great," she said "we had sex today." Naturally, her father was shocked.

Turns out, "sex" is the new slang for "seconds" at lunch - if you eat your greens, you get extra pudding.

Don't kids say the darndest things?

approved Nov 16 2005, submitted Nov 11 2005 by Laura Wilson
If you nick a pound coin off someone, and put it on top of a prittstick in the middle of the table, they will never find it. Ever.
Technically, this theory has only been tested once, on Hardeep. But it worked; he spent an entire science lesson growing more and more furious with us for hiding his pound coin. We spent the entire lesson laughing ourselves daft and staring blatantly at the shiny pound coin sitting proudly atop the prittstick in plain view.
approved May 19 2005, submitted May 8 2005 by Name Withheld
Tasteless n' racist badges made by a fat child in Stoke on Trent in the 1980's. They were to commemorate the tragic accidental death of dozens of asians by a chemical leak from the union carbide plant in Bhopal.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Silent Bob
A film studied during our GCSE English Literature course, which contained an inexplicable 10 second sex scene. None of us knew how it added to the plot or imagery of the film, although we were all eager to reference it in our essays. "No one was very good at maths because sir kept having sex scenes," for example.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Lipase in an enzyme which is used in digestion to break down fat. It was whilst trying to help Stephanie lose weight by dousing her in lipase, that I found out that such behaviour was dangerous, childish, and a form of bullying. By this uncharitable interpretation, my teacher would have said that Gandhi was "just showing off".
I pointed out to the teacher the unfairness of saying "you shouldn't spray Stephanie with lipase", then applying that rule with retrospective effect to punish me. But again, this apparently wasn't arguing for the rule of law in a democracy, it was "being gobby", and "landing myself in more hot water".
approved Sep 13 2005, submitted Jul 19 2005 by Tony Green
Two kids sit at their table, one kid jumps out of his chair and shouts "UPPA" in a high pitched voice, the other kid simply says "dine" in a low voice. Can, and did, culminate with a different child shouting "DIE YOU OLD PISSRUG BITCH" at the top of his voice. The piss-rug combination was insurmountable. She left and died.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matd
5318008 : Boobies
55378008 : Boobless
7100553 : Esso Oil
71077345 : Shell Oil
37183045 : Shoe Bile
45084518 : Bish Bosh
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Willis , Jon Blyth
Once upon a time, '7' men paid '1' pound for a hole in the ground ('0'). No-one could see the point ('.') of this, but the '7' men became millionaires within '7' nights. How? Well, '3' of the men built a drilling machine above the hole, whilst the other '4' made it work. By '5' o'clock, the men had discovered something. Do you know what it is yet?
Turn the calculator upside down to amaze the whole class.
Alternatively, just type '0.7734', turn your digital calculator upside down and continuously tap the classmate in front of you until he/she is forced to turn around and read the amusing message.
approved Mar 17 2003, submitted Feb 21 2003 by Dinner Dance
53450106: Goloshes

Essentially not as fun as the others, but I invented it myself.

(*cough*lamer*cough* Aw that's BRILLIANT Alistair! Susan. x)
approved May 20 2003, submitted Mar 9 2003 by Alistair Gray
60436034 - Hedgehog.

Shown to me in a fit of glee by a girl who had given herself the nickname 'Hedgehog'. That was the kind of thing that qualified as exciting at my school.
approved Jul 26 2003, submitted Jul 23 2003 by Kay Evans
55045508 : Boss Hogg, of Dukes of Hazzard fame. I definitely invented this one.
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Oct 31 2003 by damien ricicle
The world famous Boobless can be adapted into a personal attack on Deborah's chest, if you have a second calculator.
55318008 5318830
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Nov 4 2003 by jeriko jones
Five thousand men (type 5000) and one girl (add 1) they all shagged her 7 times (multiply by 7) after which she was rather - turn upside down
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Nov 20 2003 by Jonny P
There was one woman on an island (press 1).
There were 5000 men (+5000).
She shagged each of them seven times (x7).

Turn the calculator upside down to find out what she is. (Hint: the slack-fannied slag.)
approved Jul 14 2005, submitted Jul 12 2005 by Pogglesnatch
The full story behind how a sixty-nine titted lady became boobless? Allow me:

There once was a woman with 69 boobs
(press 69)
which was too, too, too many.
(press 222)
So she went to 51st Street
(press 51)
to see the mysterious Doctor X.
(press the times symbol)
Eight surgeries later
(press 8)
she was completely
(turn the calculator upside down)
approved Jan 3 2012, submitted Jan 1 2012 by anonymous user
There was a lady who was 69 (type 69) who wanted to be 22, (type 22) but the Doctor could only make her 25. (type 25) He gave her some pills and told her to take one (type 1), eight times (multiply by eight) a day, and when she woke up the next day, she found she was... (press equals, turn calculator upside-down)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by David Bailey
We had a different version. There was a girl who was "13" and she wanted to be "84". When she was "45" she went to the doctors and the doctor said 'oh' ("0") take these pills "2" times ("x") a day but she took them "4" times (don't press times this time) and she ended up ("=")... If you miss out the "0" then the poor girl ends up "bobless"
approved May 13 2003, submitted Mar 24 2003 by anonymous user, Anna Williams
A planet discovered by William Herschel on March 13, 1781, and named 'Uranus' by him, for a laugh. An absolute comedy staple of geography lessons, and by far the funniest of all the planets. Examples of usage include:
"Miss! Last night I looked through a telescope and I could see Uranus!"
"Miss! I know Saturn has rings, but what about the ring of Uranus?"
"Miss! Is Uranus part of a constellation? Is it Great Bare or is it the Big Dipper?"
Recently, teachers have tried to convince us that it is pronounced 'Err-en-us', but their efforts are likely to be thwarted by the announcement that planet 'X' is to be officially recognised, and re-named 'Stinkycornhole'.
approved Sep 23 2006, submitted Sep 22 2006 by anonymous user, Andy Mansh
There was a kid at my primary school who ate the urinal cake things because he thought they were marshmallows.
100% lies but we don't care. Have YOU ever eaten a piss cube? What do they taste like and did you suck it to make it last or crunch it?
approved Sep 22 2006, submitted Aug 13 2006 by mr smartarse
I snuck into the older boys' toilets halfway through my first year at primary school and one of the things I did while I was in there was eat a urinal cake. Not because I thought it was a marshmallow, but because I thought that eating it would grant me the strength of all the older boys who had pissed in the urinal. This, I reasoned,would make me a superhero and bestow upon me the power to destroy all my enemies.
approved Jun 23 2007, submitted Sep 23 2006 by anonymous user
A lie that is unnervingly believable to a nave five year old child is that you can only urinate in a public urinal once you have climbed down the plughole, where it is private. This can cause a child to piss himself out of reluctance to use the toilet. It did me.
approved May 12 2003, submitted Dec 21 2002 by James Trotman
The practice of alternately dedicating the 6 urinals in the toilet boy girl boy girl boy girl. Using a "girls" urinal was tantamount to a confession of homosexuality and it wasn't uncommon to see boys desperately hopping from foot to foot waiting for a boys urinal to become free. Anyone unaware of the rules who blithely used a "girls" urinal would rightly be greated with screams and howls of disgust. I think the stupidity of this was apparent to us even at the time, that said the looks of confusion at being admonished for using a "girls" urinal are quite unlike anything I've seen since. The game recieved a welcome revival in 4th year at secondary school when a new toilet was built which had individual urinals instead of the "trough" style which had to be declared single gender as a matter of logistics. The fun was partially sucked out of the game when upon shouting at a first year that he was gay for using a "girls" urinal he told us to "grow up and stop being a bunch of tits".
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 7 2003 by anonymous user
Way beyond the nipple gripple, and in the sun-scorched lands beyond the purple durple is the UT3. It's the only titty twister you'll see performed in the oil fields of the USA. It's the Ultimate Texan Titty Twister, and requires a synchronised dual titty twist of at least 180 degrees.
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted Apr 26 2006 by Name Withheld
#4 in the lies of Troy Hawkins series.
Fuelled by morbid curiosity, I once asked Troy Hawkins if he could get me an Uzi automatic machine gun. He told me he could. When I pressed for more information, it turned out that they were "fifty quid, and they are from Blackbush." Blackbush Market being a large local Sunday affair, I presume that he imagined that this was some sort of black market bush, and made a rather wrong connection in his wrong, wrong, brain.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Johnzini