The Law of the Playground
the letter w
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Having cricket shoes that looked like they had been handed down from your Victorian ancestors guaranteed you the nickname of bearded cricket legend WG Grace. If your name was Clive that is. An "accurate" replica of Grace's signature was then stencilled permanently on to both shoes and a new chant created of 'glasses, teeth and beard', continued indefinitely. The glasses and teeth bit were from Clive's own milk bottle and ivory features, the beard WG Grace's.
approved Mar 6 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Tyrannosaurus Flex
This game involved a gang of people holding me down while someone drew huge sideburns in permament pen on my face just before the teacher came into class.
They got to draw sideburns on my face, I got to spend 45 minutes cleaning my face instead of doing RE. Sweet game.
approved Feb 22 2004, submitted Feb 16 2004 by Edward Buck

This diagram, taken from the Silver Service manual, illustrates three of the most essential elements of waitressing.
1. Give the customer their food immediately upon their arrival.
2. While they are eating their food, show them the menu.
3. Everything is ten pounds.
approved Oct 18 2004, submitted Oct 18 2004 by Jon Blyth
A process involving one victim, one person sitting on the victim's chest, and two people walking in opposite directions with the victim's legs.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mr T
Recommended by ALL teachers as the perfect anti-bullying method. But when I tried it, the cunt spat on my neck.
approved Jul 27 2005, submitted Jul 25 2005 by anonymous user
Basis of the bullying of Anthony Loucaides. We would jeer, point and kick him, whilst singing The Police song. When we sang "What's it like walking on the moon?" we would all then ruffle his hair. This would usually provoke a brutally violent response on his part as he lashed out wildly with wind-milling arms screaming "I don't know; I've never been there". In hindsight, this was an adequate and fair response. It did not prevent further puerile brutality however.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
Strange. I always thought I had rather enjoyed my school days. Perhaps I'm just repressing those terrible memories.
Matt King? Is this the Matthew King whose entire sexual experience during his school years was with Stuart Hoskins on a snooker table? Surely he can come up with a better character assassination than this over a decade after I spread that rumour.
Well, Matt? Did you do it with Stuart Hoskins on a snooker table? Are you Stuart Hoskins and was he any good? The LotP team would like to hear from you. Ponky
approved Aug 18 2005, submitted Aug 10 2005 by anonymous user
A way of demonstrating how hard and/or stupid you are. At ours, it started off quite mildly but soon escalated t o the stage where the wall was being thumped so hard that shards of brick were falling off, and kids would come in to lessons with blood pouring from their knuckles. This was largely tolerated by the teachers and went on for some while until some kids hit on the idea of using their heads instead of their fists.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kellog
Also consider Locker Nutting, (headbutting a locker to non-English readers).
Quite painless if you hit the middle of the door, and you look pretty hard to boot. Rendered all the funnier when Paul Murphy asked the whole class to watch him do it then nutted the frame between lockers, making him cry like a gay baby.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Apr 15 2003 by Lee Roy
Note to amateur locker-nutters: If the locker door falls off after repeated nuttings, don't feel compelled to throw it out of a second floor window, narrowly missing the caretaker's head. Maustin did this and is probably still in detention aged 26.
approved Jun 27 2005, submitted Jun 22 2005 by Jo Breeze
1982 film starring Ian McKellen as Walter, a mentally handicapped man. This was the first film to be shown on Channel 4 in England. Highlights include;
"on his first night in a mental hospital, he is sexually molested by a paraplegic dwarf"
"Finding his mother dead in bed, and unable to comprehend what has happened, Walter moves his pigeons into her bedroom, keeping a vigil while her body becomes progressively covered in bird droppings"
Walter became synonymous with Joey Deacon.
Here's the imdb link - why not submit a review? We'll be watching that page... Christ, you can buy it, too!
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by Bryan G-L
An afternoon gathering place for boys in the early stages of masturbation exploration, in which they could sit and toss off save in the knowledge that girls rarely went to Wangas. Wangas was a big plot of wasteland near our school, and the tree a big, slightly collapsed Oak. If you sat in the tree you had to wank to the point of ejaculation otherwise you couldn't get down. The tree had an established hierarchy, the better you were at wanking, the higher in the tree you wanked. Therefore, you were less likely to be hit by anything flying out above you. One kid (Steven McIntyre) was really popular in our class, thanks to his hard Army brother, but fell down the wanking order after he claimed to have spunked, when in actuality he had just secreted a mixture of piss and precum. Dirty liar.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jamie Gambell
Pretending to wank followed by flicking the wrist, and the imaginary ejaculate, to one side. As you do this, say "oops!", as though ejaculating is the last thing on your mind when you're having a wank. The first time the "oops" variant was used was in a PE lesson. The bollockings and detentions lent it such bonus kudos that it caught on very quickly.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Daniel Buchan
Will generate instant kudos if said - quickly - in place of "Thank You Very Much" to a figure of authority.
approved Mar 19 2003, submitted Mar 15 2003 by Lemon Curry
On similar lines (but not as rude, so resulting in less kudos points), is "Hairy Muff" or "Fairy Muff" said in place of "Fair Enough". - Matt Fasham
Excrement point Matt, truly excrement. - The Boy Tucker
approved Oct 22 2004, submitted Mar 21 2003 by Matt Fasham, The Boy Tucker
A handkerchief set aside for exclusive wanking use. Also "spunky wankerchief" - a freshly used wankerchief. A hanky used after a single badly-planned wank, and then returned to normal handkerchief duties, is not a wankerchief.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Adrian Lamb
Make a fist, hold it up in front of you.
"What's this?" you ask your victim.
"I don't know!" they reply.
"Wanker's cramp!" you respond, continuing with "Do you get it?"
"Haha! Yes!" they gleefully reply.
"Do you get it a lot? You must be a wanker! Wanker, wanker, wanker!" Victory is yours.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by Nick Hunt
Boy X: "What's five pax plus five pax?"
Boy Y: "Ten pax?"
Boy X: "Do you get it?"
Boy Y: "Er... Yes. Yes I do."
By trying desperately not to look stupid, 'Y' has made a fatal error in admitting that he buys Tampax. 'Y' has also acknowledged that he is gay, and that once a month, he has a period out his arse.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Jan 21 2005 by Christo Frog
A plea : did the hard lads in anyone else's school have wanking races in lessons or was it just our school? It mainly happened in maths. Three or four lads would sit at the back with their knobs out and masturbate under the desk - to completion. Sometimes the pikey girls would join them with shatterproof rulers for measuring purposes. This also occurred on the back seat of our school coach. Any chance they got, really. Was this really a unique phenomenon?
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Mar 6 2003 by spadge monkey
The wanking race also occured in our scout troop. I politely declined due to the rather unsettling homosexual undertones, possibly something to do with one of the leaders joining in.
(May or may not be true, but oh! - the delivery! - Log)
approved May 15 2003, submitted Apr 6 2003 by Harry Grout
As a pupil at an all boys school, the number of flesh-and-blood women suitable for adolescent masturbation fantasies was limited. A discussion of the subject revealed that only two or three female teachers were utilised by the whole class. A suggestion was made that this made us all gay, and so, not wanting to appear gay, the idea of wanking rights arose. Essentially this was the same as calling "shotgun" for a car - the first person to see the teacher that day would shout "wanking rights!" when the teacher was first sighted, usually as she entered a classroom, and that person would then have the sole rights to wank thinking of that woman for one day.
approved Feb 19 2006, submitted Oct 27 2005 by The Boy Tucker
Makes You Blind
If you wank into your own eyes and do not rinse, wanking can make you go blind. This is bad, as you need your eyes to wank if you're going to get the spunk out in under 30 seconds. "Thinky Wanks" take longer and are not worth it.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Makes You Deaf
"Wa-ka Maya Deh!"
"Pardon?"
"Wan Kamakya Deeeh!"
"What?"
"Wanking Makes You Deaf!"
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Blacky
Makes Your Balls Shrink
I was told, and believed, that wanking used up bits of your balls, and therefore every wank would make your balls shrink a little. When they finally disappeared, you would be unable to support life, and would die. Rather than making me relish each wank, this made me frantically wank at every opportunity, using the same logic that convinces fat people that eating things quickly reduces the body's ability to absorb the calories.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Apparently Clare Fieldhouse masturbated 13 times in one day, the dirty bitch. Most I ever managed was 7, and I'm male.
Yes, but it only counts if it's to 'issue' for a boy (or certain talented lady actresses in bongo fillums), or wobbly wetlegs for a girl. I mean, I have maintained a lazy lob for HOURS in front of daytime telly when throwing a sickie without actually blowing my stack. I demand a recount.
approved Jan 27 2006, submitted Jan 25 2006 by Captain Crackerjack
Among the many identical "comfy" chairs in our sixth common room there was one on which someone had written "WANKY WANKY WANK WANK (it's Friday innit)". I think the Friday part was an afterthought, a misguided attempt to explain the previous statement. The chair became an essential accessory to any activity, to the extent that people were tipped off their chairs to see if they were sitting on the WANKY WANKY WANK WANK chair. When it was found, it was carried triumphantly out of the room, and we took it onto the all-weather pitch and played football around it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lee Brammer
A: Want some gum?
B: Ooh, yes, please.
A: CHEW MY BUM!!!!

Presumably the victim is too shocked by the voracity of the comeback to take you up on the offer.
approved Dec 29 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Name Withheld
A variation of the offer of chewing gum, deftly switched with an invitation to chew your bum is available to those who have sweets.
A : Want a sweet?
B : Of course I do! I'm a kid. That's what kids do! We want sweets!
A : Suck my feet!
B : Feet! That kinda came from nowhere. I thought you were going to give me sweets.
Here are the only five other sweet / body rhymes...
Want a Mars? Kiss my arse!
Want a Snickers? Piss your knickers!
Kola Kubes? Snag my pubes!
Reece's Pieces? Suck my faeces!
Butterkist? Anal fist!
Can you think of more? If so, write them down and post them to your mother, see if SHE thinks your potty mouth is funny.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Nov 7 2005 by Nick Pettigrew, Jon Blyth
war
When I was very small, about kite size, I had a deep fascination with guns. I had over 50 mock guns, one in particular was about four and a half foot long (with a weird tooth like object that moved randomly). Myself and 3/4 friends would run about a small Cornish village making the noise similar to that of a metal dog being fired into a school window. The problem was we would end up fighting about who shot each other first - for example "You can't shoot me back, I shot you in the face" "No you didn't you missed" "No I saw your eye explode" "No that was a bird" The weird thing is, now I have a gun and I want to kill them all, slowly over a period of hours.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
James Reed would put his hand on the table and produce half a wasp, stuck to his index finger. When asked how it got there, he would say that he swallowed it, and it magically appeared in his finger. He also fancied my sister, the sick bastard.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tom Phillips
Tony Langley used to put dead wasps on his tongue and then chase Paul Fletcher around the classroom. Why did Tony Langley do this? Because it scared Paul Fletcher. Why was Paul Fletcher scared? Because Tony Langley had a wasp on his tongue.
approved Aug 12 2003, submitted Aug 11 2003 by Andy Mansh