The Law of the Playground
the letter w
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1994 was not a particularly good year for Mike Swinburn. During the months that PJ & Duncan topped the charts, he lived in fear of the sudden cry of "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLE" resonating throughout the playground, followed by a chant of "watch us wreck the Mike, watch us wreck the Mike, watch us wreck the Mike - psyche!"
Unfortunately for Mike, "psyche" meant a punch in the stomach. Sorry, Mike.
approved Nov 22 2005, submitted Nov 21 2005 by anonymous user
Buster Bloodvessel's 'Lip Up Fatty' was penned as a kind of Fat Pride anthem. So successful was it, that packs of Dr Marten shod rude-boys would hunt the playgrounds for anybody that could be decribed as portly, and encouragingly sing it to them; all the while encircling the chosen lardarse and sticking six toecaps up his bumpiece.
approved Nov 30 2005, submitted Nov 24 2005 by Derek Moseley
That bloody PJ & Duncan song was the bane of my life for a few weeks in year 8. One clever classmate (step forward Richard Chambers) changed it to involve my surname. I had a friend called Robert. Ha ha, I was gay. Here comes the song:
Let's get ready to Whittle
Let's get ready to Whittle
Watch him bum the Rob
Watch him bum the Rob
Watch him bum the Rob

I'm sure Haines' scrapyard feels blessed by Richard's working presence.
approved Oct 13 2007, submitted Feb 14 2006 by Name Withheld
Someone severeley lacking in co-ordination, motor-ability and self-control (an Arch-Deacon). Once identified you must approach, force your tounge into your lower lip (as ever), slap your left wrist with the back of your right hand and shout "duuurrrr... watch breaker".
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by s field
Whenever an aeroplane would fly over the school playground, all the kids would wave their hands frantically in the vain hope that the pilots would mistake us for stranded civilians and land to save us. Surprisingly, they never did.
approved Apr 22 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by alex hunter
Margaret Thatcher was due to open a pointless monument in my town and our school field was chosen for her helicopter landing pad. The headmaster was in a frenzy about it for weeks, and planned for the whole school to stand in formation on the rugby pitch to spell the word "welcome", so that it would be visible from the air. That morning, despite 4 hours of being shuffled around by near-hysterical teachers, our inability to stand still meant that when Thatcher's helicopter finally appeared on the horizon, it was welcomed by what could only have looked like a mob of 1500 randomly arranged kids all waving the "v"s at her. This caused her to change her mind, land in the car park at the other side of the school, and immediately drive off, completely avoiding us in doing so. Bitch.
approved Sep 29 2005, submitted Sep 3 2005 by Simone Orbit
The victim would be clamped to the ground and force fed grass. Meanwhile, the perpetrator and any invested observers would remind the victim how fortunate he was by singing the words to the Anchor Butter song: 'we are lucky cows - we chew the cud and browse'.

Count yourself lucky. There are some cows out there who aren't chewing the cud and, erm, browsing. You wouldn't want to be one of those cows, would you?
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mark Barron
After declaring war on a neighbouring gang and throwing stones at them for a while, it was customary to link arms and parade around the street singing "We won the war, in 1964". Despite the fact that it was 1978, and the other gang had only left the field of battle because it was time for their tea.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ricco
I believe the complete verse is:-
"We won the war, in 1964,
Guess what we done, we kicked 'em up the bum"
1978 sounds about right..
approved May 13 2003, submitted Mar 11 2003 by Steve Newman
A chant to be heard around the playground after lunch... those who wanted to "join us" would link arms with the end person and join in the chant. We never actually got to play "Army" so I cannot tell you the rules or objectives. It was always time to go in by the time we had enough people. Even though we didn't know how many people you needed to play Army, as we had never played it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bridget
A variation on "we're playing army, who wants to join us?". A line of boys would link arms and march across the playground chanting "We Walk Straight So You'd Better Get Out Of The Way!" their legs kicking out in front of them in a cross between the Can-can and goose step. Children too slow or too stupid to move would be kicked. Eventually the line would reach the end of the playground, one of the downsides of walking straight was that it made turning round very difficult. Chaos ensued.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Evil Jon
I am the most pathetic bully ever. All I did was steal one epaulette off her winter coat and hide it in the pocket. And call her 'Susie'.
approved Nov 4 2003, submitted Nov 3 2003 by Ginger Snaps
Or, A Rather Upsetting Story From a Fifty-Year-Old Woman Inadvisedly But Heartfeltedly Seeking Some Sort of Catharsis on a Whimsy-based Internet Site.
We hope you all feel terrible now.

The boys loved me, and the girls hated me. I am fifty years old now, but when I was nine years old, I was the first girl in the history of my school to wear a bra in Grade Five. They were cotton then, with metal hooks, and pointed...Beverly Hillbillies was big back then, I had long blond hair...I became the immediate focus of all the boys attention, being yelled at with "falsies" each and every turn...I made the big mistake of replying "I don't wear falsies." I got a big guffaw, well prove it...I guess they expected me to lift my bra...this was aside from the boys always pulling at the straps. One day leaving school, I noticed a crowd of boys gathered..."You are going to prove that you are not wearing falsies", I knew I was in big trouble, I ran...I ran, and I almost made it home, but I was knocked down, and about twenty guys put their hands up my bra and got a good feel...oh this was about 1963 when all the world was full of prim and proper people...
approved May 14 2003, submitted Mar 11 2003 by anonymous user
If enough primary school children stand together and chant whilst looking at the sky, they can actually control the weather. I know this to be true, because when it was raining, the whole school would stand looking out of the window chanting "rain rain go away, come again another day". When the rain eventually stopped, we marvelled at our success. The same effect was also occasionally observed with clouds.

Some masochistic children would claim they had more power than most and would stand outside on their own on a sunny day chanting for rain, which would result in them being punched. But the most dangerous abuse of our weather controlling powers occurred when the class would stand under the large Horse Chestnut tree during conker season, looking up into the branches and chanting for wind. As usual, it worked, and three children got black eyes. The tree was chopped down during the holidays, and so the school was saved from future hurricanes.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by Oscar Terry
An earnest attempt was made to scientifically disprove the theory that you can be killed by lighting while standing under a large beech tree in a thunder storm. This was swiftly curtailed by Mr. Walters, who yelled at us to not be so bloody stupid and get inside.
approved Jun 16 2007, submitted Feb 1 2007 by Gareth Winslade
A haircut that has a "step" in it at about ear height round the back, so that instead of tapering from long to short the transition was sudden. Inexplicably fashionable for a short period in the early nineties, up until a few days before I had mine done.

Also see: Mackenzie Crooks hairdo in The Office. And the rhyme "Theres a BAS-in errigATION, and its RUINING the NATION." (Errigation sounded like an important word at the time. It was intended to mean "trend" or "epidemic". It actually means, um, nothing. I made it up.)
approved Jul 23 2003, submitted Jul 9 2003 by Name Withheld
The practice of forcing the gusset of one's (or another's) underwear between the buttocks to create a visible cleft. Particularly amusing if inadvertantly caused by high waisted trousers. Walking with a wedgie is "Chewing cheese".
Variations include Skidders McKenzie, based on the gold watches (q.v.) you would gain from a severe wedgie
approved May 13 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Daniel Ward
Also known as a Melvin. (See: Bill and Ted etc etc)
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 18 2003 by Dave Laird
Actually, a melvin was in the front, and a wedgie was in the back. A particularly feared prospect was the Atomic Melvin, in which one's stretchy boxer-briefs were pulled so far up that the elastic band could be placed over one's head.
approved Oct 6 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Nicolas Kastoris
In my infant's school we had a lethal set of rough concrete play equipment fixed to the playground. One such piece of apparatus was the traditional 70's concrete boat. It was divided in the middle by two planks of wood. We designated one side as 'wee' and one as 'poo'. The game generally consisted of getting someone in either half and then running around the boat shouting 'you're in poo/ wee' and laughing at them. Variation was to all trot around on the edge of the boat or on the planks trying to push each other into the wee or poo....and then shout at each other.
approved May 12 2003, submitted Apr 10 2003 by will lewis
The middle water fountain on the playground at Hillbrook Infants School dispensed pure wee. Anyone drinking from the middle fountain would have stones thrown at them, and 'Wee Tap' screamed in their faces.
On the hottest days in summer, massive queues would form for the other two taps. The Wee Tap was always free, if you dared...
approved Sep 30 2003, submitted Aug 12 2003 by Richard Swan
Childish. It's usages include; Childish acts are to be met with cries of "Wee!" As an adjective; "God Jim, you are so wee!" As a reply to an insult; "Oh, wee"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Evil Jon
Some people are urban legend magnets. I knew one girl who'd been accused of getting a frozen weiner "stuck up there" one week, and clearly didn't learn her lesson, as the next week she tried to entice her dog up there with peanut butter.
You'd think the dog would've been happy enough to eat the weiner out, but no - this girl had put the fucking kitchen up there by the time we'd finished.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Jan 22 2004 by Name Withheld
A standard Domestic Science question of how to ensure Salmonella cannot survive in your chicken. The right answer was to check that the juices run clear when cooked. The wrong answer, but treated with understanding by Teacher, was to freeze it first (doesn't kill germs, just stops them breeding apparently). Wilby's answer of 'marinading it in Domestos' was treated with weary disdain.
approved Jul 19 2005, submitted Jul 15 2005 by Jaded Fool
Huh, call THAT 'Weary disdain'? In one of our early food technology lessons, we were told to design menus for a fictional restaurant.

The highpoint of this lesson was when we convinced our nice but naive friend Becky that 'spunk' was in fact a type of cheese and she duely put 'spunk sandwiches' on her menu and handed it in. THAT, my friend was 'weary disdain'.
approved Jul 19 2005, submitted Jul 15 2005 by Bionic Sheep
Rather feeble comeback to the pupil's comeback to the original question "Do you do that at home?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Phileas
What David Jones ended up with when we got bored on yet another fucking trip to the local country park to sift the pond for poxy whirligig beetles and cunting caddis fly larvae.
approved Dec 16 2003, submitted Dec 11 2003 by Leigh L.
Slightly better than a welly full of leeches, which is precisely what one girl got on the Year 4 pond dipping excursion.
So David Jones got off lightly. Leeches suck your blood, you know, whereas water fleas only give you a mild nip that hardly even breaks the skin.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted Dec 24 2004 by Zoe S.
In a bid to stop me biting my nails, my parents bought me a jar of 'Stop 'n' Grow', a foul-tasting but invisible preparation to be forcibly painted on one's nails, thereby rendering them less attractive to the tooth.
One lunchtime I reasoned it would be a terrific wheeze to paint Stop 'n' Grow onto the ends of everybody's pens and pencils while they were out in the playground. My rookie mistake was to immediately tell a large handful of classmates - well, it wouldn't be any fun if I kept it to myself, would it? Loyal foot soldiers Christina Bradwell and Helen Schnitzler found out and grassed. Everybody was warned not to suck the ends of their pens, and I got my first ever strokes of the cane.

Still think it was a rock idea, though.

This entry gets in (despite its inexplicable submission under 'Welly Full of Water Fleas') because I was similarly forced to undergo the torture of the foul Stop 'n' Grow. The terror of the stuff will make you bite your nails to the quick - or not, of course. - Conor
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted Aug 10 2005 by simon mantle
After several weeks of use, one can develop a taste for Stop and Grow. I ate tons of the stuff.
approved May 13 2006, submitted May 12 2006 by Boo Radley
Law of the Playground Uncovered: By way of a response to someone who asked recently how the approval process works, here we've included an editorial conversation regarding this submission. See? We genuinely do care, and we rigorously look at entries from all the angles before approving them.

Jesus, you people... I submitted this Stop 'n' Grow entry about six months ago, and can assure you I did not do so under "Welly full of water fleas". Maybe the people directing traffic on this site are the same mongs who cack-handedly sub-edited my original submission and made me sound like a trans-Atlantic cross between Dirty Harry ("rookie mistake" - wtf??) and a Viz character. Cunts. Simon M.

Matt: Conor, he's talking to YOU.
Conor: What a cunt! He should be fucking grateful we even looked at his shitty spack-handed entry and turned it into something halfway readable. Shall I approve this or just delete it?
Matt: You could put a news article on the front page that says "Simon M is a CUNT".
Mansh: Hey you guys - chill out! Can't we just all get along?
Ponky: Up your bottom, Grandad.
Log: I like lucozade
Phil: Get off me. Just get OFF me.
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted May 15 2006 by anonymous user
To be unfashionable. "Fila trainers went out with the dinosaurs." When applied to people, such as in the phrase, "Kim Wilde went out with the dinosaurs," this can create a strange image of Kim Wilde briefly dating a Stegosaurus. This was my first interpretation of the phrase, and led to confusion when it was applied to trainers, coats, and television programmes.
Either I'd got it wrong, or dinosaurs would fuck anything.
approved Jan 19 2004, submitted Jan 19 2004 by Jon Blyth