The Law of the Playground
the letter w
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Yet another no-win scenario. Yes - then run around dancing, singing - you are happy, you are gay. If they say no, run around, dancing, singing - you weren't born with a penis - you are gay.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
An alternative used at my primary school was "were you born in happiness or symphony?". Nerdy spack boys (like myself) would usually say symphony, thinking it was cleverer, only to be told "eurrr! you were born with a sim-fanny!"
approved Dec 12 2002, submitted Dec 12 2002 by Chief Chirpa
We asked "were you born with happiness or a fat knee?"

The assumption is that these are mutually exclusive conditions, but I've met many cheerful chubby people, and they can't all have been hermaphrodites. Could they?

approved Apr 16 2004, submitted Apr 14 2004 by anonymous user
A standard example of what Bill Cosby might call inter-generational rhetoric.
When walking into a form room without closing the door behind you, the teacher may ask this of you.
The best way out of this so far is to say, "no, a crackhouse," which I came up with all by myself.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Feb 22 2003 by Laura Horgan
In Primary Year Four (age 9) we had a teacher called Miss O'Toole who was a bit short sighted. So short sighted was she that just about anything would be accepted for the Nature Table. My offering was a turd (my own in fact) in a Roses Lime Marmalade jar filled with sea water. This was labeled "Whales Brain" and took pride of place on the Nature Table. It was still there when my sister followed on the next year.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paul Murphy
A drama class game. Played in pairs, person A would ask person B "What are you doing?" and person B would respond with anything, be it "playing a trombone" or "flailing my arms as if without motor function". Person A then had to mime whatever B had said.
The game was lent a spicy edge when one plucky can-do player answered "your mum", leaving his friend with no option but to mime doing his own mother.
approved Aug 8 2005, submitted Jun 11 2005 by Loki Girl
A: What are you eating under there?

B: Under where?

Hilarity doesn't just ensue, it's positively guaranteed.
approved Sep 15 2003, submitted Sep 10 2003 by Cheryl Mancini
The standard response to a teacher's question 'what did I just say?'
approved Dec 8 2003, submitted Dec 7 2003 by Name Withheld
Something your mother may well say when you bustle in from primary school demanding a cheese and marmite sandwich and WHEN IS ANDY CRANE ON?
The correct response to this is a dismissive flick of the wrist, with "I had her killed for her outrageous insolence".
This exchange with my mother continues to this day, except now the demands are for my uniform to be ironed. And cheese and marmite sandwiches. The correct response is now "She forms the most recent chapter in a sorry saga of murdered slaves, all of whom asked that very fucking question".
approved Apr 25 2005, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Alfred Overy
An alternative answer is "syphillis".
approved Apr 26 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by anonymous user
At primary school we were privileged to see a play about pirates performed by semi-professional actors. Nicholas, the fattest boy in the school, kept heckling, saying "That wouldn't happen on a ship". After he'd said this a few times, one of the actors got so irritated that he stopped acting and said "How do you know that?". Fat Nick replied in a smug nim nim nim tone, "Because my dad lived on a ship for 5 years". To which the actor replied "And what was your dad, son, a barrel?".

And so "Fat Barrel Nick" was born.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Sep 13 2005 by Lee M
A way of tormenting a victim with no outstandingly bullyable attributes.
The bullies would run around the playground, pick a target and scream:
What we say is what you are -

In retrospect, there are far worse insults than that. And in all fairness, some of them have indeed gone on to become naked boobie stars. Who's laughing now?
approved Dec 22 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Name Withheld
Flawed response to any insult. The planned exchange runs thusly:
Kid A: You're a gay.
Kid B: What you say is what you are.
Kid A: Touché! I am confounded.

One problem is the literal interpretation... leading to this improbable exchange:

Kid A: You're a gay.
Kid B: What you say is what you are.
Kid A: What, I'm a you're a gay?

The more fundamental problem is that you're allowing the other person to say "Oh, in that case, fantastic sexy stud man train driver". Imperfect and to be avoided.
approved Dec 19 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Kid A : What's the time? Kid B : Tampax nine! Kid A : Durex-spect me to believe that? Kid B : I johnny well do! Kid A : Well wanks a lot. Kid B : Tit's alright, tit's a pleasure! A general clamour to start this exchange happened at around ten past nine every morning.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jonathan Hollingsworth
Other answers to "What's the time?" include, "Hair past freckle", "Hair past skin", or, of course, the hilarious "Time Big Ben had babies."
approved May 13 2003, submitted Mar 17 2003 by Nick Hunt
as i never had a watch, saying "it's just gone so's me watch" always kept me top of my comedic game, assuring me popularity and sex from any bird I wanted.
approved Jul 24 2003, submitted Jul 12 2003 by Mark Macca
Poem given in response to the question "what's the time?"
Half past nine!
Hang your knickers on the line!
When they're dry,
Bring them in!
Put them in the biscuit tin!
Eat a biscuit!
Eat a cake!
Eat your knickers by mistake!

May be met with "no, really. What's the time?" This means they want to hear the poem again.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Susan Tobacco, Jon Blyth
See also:
What's the time?
Half past ten!
Hang your knickers on big ben!

A bit tricky when you're a 6 year old living in rural Wales, but it gave us something to aspire to.
approved Jun 11 2005, submitted May 22 2005 by Dai Evans
Also see also
What's the time?
Half past nine!
Hang your knickers on the line!
If a copper comes along
Hurry up and put them on!

Of course, this was back in the day when hanging your underwear out to dry was a civil offence. Not wearing any knickers at all (because you only have the one pair, and they're hanging on the line) was especially frowned upon.
approved Jun 14 2005, submitted Jun 12 2005 by Ponky Ponk
Also also see also:

What's the time?
Half past nine
Hang your knickers on the line,
When they're dry,
Bring them in
Put them in the biscuit tin.
When the vicar comes to tea,
All the biscuits taste of wee.

This is particularly damning, implying that:
1) You wee in your knickers.
2) You're so pikey that you don't even wash them, you just hang them up to dry the wee off.
3) So pungent and copious is your incontinence that even after thorough drying your knickers are able to contaminate an entire tin of biscuits.
4) Your secret piss-knicker-biscuit shame was discovered by none other than the vicar himself.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Sep 8 2005 by Gordius Groble
A religious chant. When the spaceships come, some will be marked with Xs, and some with Os. We're supposed to get in the O ones. Or is it X? Anyway, they haven't come yet.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
Classic junior school hymn featuring the line "I was cold, I was naked, were you there, were you there?" in verse three.

In the tabloid-fury-inducing PC establishment of my school, the thought of a classroom of pre-pubescent children singing about being naked was obviously too paedophilic, so we were enthusiastically encouraged to "sing verses 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6!"

Unless, of course, they banned verse three to avoid having to calm down a hundred giggling girls who otherwise wouldn't have stopped for a good hour afterwards.
approved Jan 19 2004, submitted Nov 29 2003 by matronboy ngggg.
Where do you live? In a sieve. What street? Pig's feet. What number? Cucumber. Has a certain rudimentary surrealism.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by EJ
John Whirley had some sort of epilepsy. We discovered that it could be triggered in several ways: shining bright light into his eyes, sneaking up on him and yelling in his ear, and - once - a satchel full of books thrown into his head triggered it. That's serendipity, is that.

During his fits his eyes would roll up into his head, a soft moan would come from inside like he was haunted, then his hands would flutter and rise above his head. Ideally, he'd then pass out and collapse.

Obviously, these were pretty entertaining, and we got to the stage where the demands on Whirley for an eppy were so constant that he'd try to fake them. But he was the only person who'd never seen them, so he was shite at it. Not blowing my own trumpet, but I was much better.
approved Nov 2 2011, submitted Oct 22 2011 by anonymous user
You have been asked to form a line, in twos. The teacher informs you that it is necessary to be quiet, so you must whisper. Upon this decree, everyone must (audibly) whisper the words "whisper whisper whisper whisper" to one another. The teacher will acknowledge this with a grateful "all right, thank you".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Dimmock
Buying permenant markers from Smiths and then substituting them for the dry wipe markers on the teacher's desk resulted in hilarity when said teacher attempted to rub off the day's notes. It was even more hilarious when one of the kids decided to play "rude hangman" when the teacher was away for 20 minutes. When the teacher returned, he was a little surprised to find the slightly smudged-word "COCKSUCKER" printed in large letters on the board.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Loz
An unpopular teacher walks into the classroom at the start of the lesson to find, written in large letters on the whiteboard, the phrase
With facts used clearly marked, try to uncover better instances of heresy.
Assuming that it was left over from the previous lesson, she will reach for the board rubber and begin to erase the quote... only to discover that certain "choice" letters have been written in permanent marker, leaving
     f     u    c          k      y  o u       b      i  t  c      h     .
Cue hilarity.
approved Mar 9 2004, submitted Mar 9 2004 by anonymous user
Similar to "we're playing army, who wants to join us?" but without the objective of playing army, and with no girls allowed (in case of 'lurgy' infection). An utterly pointless parade, which would gradually dissipate after 10 minutes in favour of football.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick