The Law of the Playground
the letter w
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An amalgamation of "we're playing war, who wants to join us", and "who wants to join the line... no girls!" The new, strictly limited tolerance towards girls was forced upon boys, none of whom wanted to pretend to be Princess Leia. Followed the same pattern of standing in line with arms around each others' shoulders, chanting the name of the game again and again, and never actually playing it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tom Barton
A well-known hypothetial deathmatch game; as taken to extremes in Bear V. Shark. Arguments in this game generally involved people saying "Superman's invincible I win" and "I don't care if Stefan Dennis had a good body under his business suit, Craig McLachlan is totally spunks" (if you are a girl).

On a more practical level, pitting Jesus(recorded miracles only) vs. Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat convinced many children that Christianity wasn't all the church made it out to be.
approved Aug 10 2006, submitted Jul 2 2005 by Andy Goat
An assembly warning told all that 'One pupil had been playing in a field where he shouldn't have and got bit on the shoulder by a horse'. An older child gave us the victim's first name - Glen - but no more. A simple game ensued by hitting the entire population of Glen's in our school on the shoulder whilst asking 'who's got horse disease' until one screamed. Due to the unpopularity of the name Glen, the game was played once and only for a very short time.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
A real song we were taught at school about a witch who used to keep a hairy toe in a cupboard, until a ghost (to whom the toe originally belonged) came along in the night and stole it back. Both the witch and the ghost sang the line "Whoooooooose got my hairy toe?", even though a witch walking around saying that kind of thing would be asking for it, magic powers or no.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jackie Jameson
Exclamation made, apropos of nothing, by Alan Lu, who leapt from his seat in the middle of Film Analysis class. General consensus holds that Alan is still and will always be the fruity one.
approved Jul 7 2003, submitted Jul 5 2003 by Katherine W.
If you are late, or are moved by the teacher for your unruly behaviour, you may have to sit next to someone unpopular, or someone who smells. You will be asked who your new best friend is; both you and the smelly child must pretend not to have heard. This mutual shame will not cause a bond between the victims, and it will not be spoken of again.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
Well worn fart-blame transferral method, first documented in print in an episode of Johnny Fartpants around 1990.
The established order is;
"Whoever smelt it dealt it"
"Whoever denied it supplied it"
"Whoever made the rhyme committed the crime."
Despite some of the best minds in the world working day and night on the matter, no further possibilities have been found. These failures show the difficulties facing innovators; "Whoever tried to tell made the smell" (inelegant) "Whoever passed the buck gassed the truck" (only effective on trucks) "Whoever went to the trouble to needlessly place the blame, probably is responsible for the fart that started the game" (a little long)
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mazza , Jon Blyth
During a particularly inspired bout of smelt it dealt it with my sister, I was overjoyed to come up with 'The one who told the story did the glory'. Despite my best efforts it never moved into common parlance, and with hindsight I see why.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Will Jenkins
Only known exit from this conundrum is to state "I can't smell anything". You can say this even if you have been arguing for some minutes about who farted, by which time it will have dissipated anyway, and the class can return to DefCon Two.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Dr Ringpiece
We always said "whoever rhymed it, crimed it".
Criming something was considered a perfectly legitimate term. A variant would be to run up to someone, shout "Criminal Activity!" and steal someone's bag of crisps, or something.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by griff .
A pitiful cry in a bullying situation that very rarely leads to a moment of quiet introspection on the part of the bully. Although it would be nice if the bully replied;
Two things really. Primarily, I'm establishing my alpha male status in the only way I know how, and on a more personal level I'm venting the rage that I feel from physical and mental abuse in the home
as he continued mushing the weedy intellectual's face into pulp.
A rather pitiful response from a victim of, what they consider to be a needless beating, a victim of playground fun. This usually gives the victim about three seconds whilst the attackers think of a reason for said beating. The most common responses for this are: you have a weird face, cos I feel like it or the all time great...shut up you little cunt followed by another thump. what do they think, that your gonna suddenly think shit, what am I doing. Use of imagination would not go unnoticed, sniveling is just pathetic.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by anonymous user
The instinctive cry of the RE teacher locked in a cupboard.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Moses
Our cupboard-bound RE teacher was heard muttering something about strawberry 'Opal Fruits'. I suppose we all have our individual preoccupations.
approved Dec 16 2003, submitted Dec 9 2003 by anonymous user
Childish riposte to a positive statement about anything at all.
"I really like Brush Strokes."
"Well why don't you marry it then?"
"Would you like a crisp?"
"Yes please."
"Well why don't you marry it then?"
The only possible retort to this is "perhaps I will".
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Jon Blyth, Susan Tobacco
I once went a step further during a conversation with my friend, Lee Crumpler.
Lee: "Doesn't Christina look quite nice in that top?"
Me: "Well why don't you rape her then?"
Can I just point out that I am not suggesting that 'a step further' after marriage is rape?
approved Jun 27 2005, submitted Jun 22 2005 by Drab Green
At one of our 5th year semi-formals, a particularly drunk clifford, for a dare, pulled Anne. Not terribly amusing, except that Anne had a crippling speech impediment that made her sound like she had constantly blocked nostrils. In a moment of clarity, Clifford tried to escape, only to be confronted by a confused Anne asking "Why Clefford, why won't you talk to me?".
Thus, whyclef was born. Piss-taking almost petered out in Upper sixth, until we realised that the ceiling tiles in the common room roofspace were a different colour when turned upside down. Clifford walked in next day to find a large WHY accusing him from the ceiling.

(Im still stumped over what a "semi-formal" might be. The mental image is a rather nattily dressed, partially erect penis. Possibly weighed down by a minature top hat dangling rakishly from the bell end. Susan.)
approved Mar 6 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by bo fog
Approach your victim and tell him that you will say to him the names of various birds, and after each one he must say 'Why?'.
You: 'Eagle'
Him: 'Why?'
You: 'Swan'
Him: 'Why?'
You: 'Sparrow'
Him: 'Why?'
You: 'Crow'
Him: 'Why?'
You: 'Duck'
Him: 'Why?'
You then swing your arm in a horizontal arc and smack him on the side of the head as hard as you can.
It should be a him, as girls lack the linguistic sophistication required for a joke of this cunning. Plus, they might say "Saying why after each bird makes no sense. I'm not going to indulge this folly," the divs.
approved Oct 16 2004, submitted Oct 15 2004 by Bitching Pedant
The female equivalent of a hard on.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ross Taylor
An exercise in lameness. Our Geography teacher didn't wear a wig. His hair was just a bit curly. But we called him Wiggy. Shit, right?
But we never even got close to calling him Wiggy to his face. As our school was on two sites, we would see him approach in his gold BMW, and chant "wiggy" to ourselves, stopping some minutes before he even got anywhere close to the classroom. Supershit.
By the time he got to the classroom, we were all perfectly calm and ready to learn about glaciation and viticulture for an hour. God, we were lame.
Having read that back, Wiggy seems rather ostentatious, driving a gold BMW and all. I would like to point out that it was quite old and painted gold. None of my teachers drove a solid gold sports car.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Oct 24 2003 by Robert Rankin
At the age where "going out with someone" was simply to display a willingness to be around someone of the opposite sex, it was common to formally request a relationship with a slip of paper.
Will you go out with me?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Maybe

One of the tickboxes was filled in, and then sent back to the recipient. It's difficult to say whether No (rejection) or Maybe (pity) was the worst result, which is probably why the girls saw fit to add the fourth response,
[ ] stay away from me, you creepy fucking rapist
approved May 9 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by Russell Codd
An alternative spelling that makes an inoffensive word even less offensive. Even adds an eccentric charm. No-one could be upset if you suggested that they didn't have a willie.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gravy
Helen, 11, flung the door of the girls' toilets open and leaned on the door frame dramatically, like a snot-nosed Blanche Dubois. "I've started..." she breathed, as we flocked around her, evincing awe and concern. In first year secondary, it is de rigeur to falsely announce the commencement of one's menstrual cycle in such a fashion. The tampons handed out by the school nurse, however, will mainly be used as missiles, or eyed doubtfully and thrown in the bin.

A friend and I invented "Willy Pads", which we created from some Sellotape, unravelled cotton wool and a Kleenex. We then took the boys in our class aside one by one, explained to them that blood would soon be coming out of the end of their penis once a month, and offered them "Willy Pads" at 2p a throw. It was difficult enough for the girls to comprehend the glamorous affliction of red weewee, and the boys showed no interest at all. One boy had found tampons in his mum's cupboard and cried bitterly because he thought it meant he was going to get a new baby brother.
approved Nov 9 2005, submitted Oct 27 2005 by Were Walsh, rosy rockets
  • Your whole class tries to stand on the playground bench at once on a windy day, arms out-stretched.
  • Everyone shouts "WILLY WHISTLERS!"
  • Then you all get off again.
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Jun 15 2005 by anonymous user
The Willy Worms were football playing penises with faces. They were born in an art lesson when we were instructed to draw a picture of a disaster. Stephen Lodziak opted for a pen and ink rendering of 50,000 people trying to get into the 9,000 capacity Abbey Stadium for a Queen concert and being crushed to death, Hillsborough-style. Despite this, the disaster was that a boy in the foreground, arriving late for the gig, had fallen off his bike and grazed his knee slightly. While Stephen was in the toilet the rest of us added an impromptu rendering of The Willy Worms having a kickaround to the exisiting masterpiece. When our exceptionally camp teacher Mr Salisbury came over to assess our work, he looked at Stephen's picture, put a comforting arm around his shoulder and with a weak smile said "Are you feeling better now?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paul Heath
The repetitive monotony of this game in no way prevented us from playing it day in, day out, for two solid years.
An early warning system in his face (when stifling anger, he would hold his breath, and go bright purple) allowed you to take cover before the metal-legged chairs went airborne.
Once game ended in the smashing of two BBC Model Bs and a printer. After that, we really had to raise our game.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Dec 27 2004 by sam gisoad