The Law of the Playground
the letter w
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Spackers on the Variety Club Sunshine Bus, whose slumped heads and lolling tongues would bang into the window as it went over bumps. Taste the sky mungo, taste the sky!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Al McEwan
This bus would also be known as the Munch Bunch bus, after the Children's ITV programme featuring a load of animated vegetables.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Sean
window lickers tormented me, and ruined my life. one i rested my head on a window which had window licker juice on it. i started spazzing out and started throwing feaces. i was sent to jail where i was bummed by a big window licker called frank.

Playground Uncovered: Another example of the raw material we have to spin into gold to make this site what it is. We dont want your pity, we just want to dig the fresh corneas out of your head to replace our own jaded, shit-smeared eyeballs. The team.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Mar 30 2003 by window licker
A chap I knew at school put an advert in the local paper for an open-to-all wine and cheese evening at the private residence of Johnny Rogers, our head of sixth-form.

Imagine Johnny's surprise when three couples he didn't know interrupted his viewing of Top Gear by knocking at his door clutching Cabernet Sauvignon and a few pounds of Stilton.

I'd like to think he invited them in and made some new friends, but I suspect the world just doesn't work that way.
approved Oct 7 2006, submitted Aug 25 2006 by Gentleman Fatnacks
An ancient and well-regarded discipline of Kung Fu. As a close range system of combat, spinning and high kicks do not feature heavily. As such, a shit way of impressing your friends, even disregarding the partially accurate story that it was invented by a one-armed nun.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Supply teacher filling in for a history class picks on Leroy, the only black pupil in the room and asks "why was Winston Churchill famous?"
I can imagine she was expecting a response along the lines of "Prime Minister during WW2", but Leroy's actual response "he was the only white guy ever to be called Winston" left her genuinely impressed.
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by the mysterious watters
If you want a bunch of crap hackneyed jokes to fill your website why don't you just buy the FHM pub joke book and copy out the entire thing putting the word "teacher" in where appropriate. The child in this story is even called Leroy for fucks sake! Whats happened to the editing of this site? Remove this bucket of shit story now and ban whoever submitted this story as an example of what hapens to lying dick-faced asshole turds.

Phil: anonymous user, you make a compelling argument. I am afraid to admit that I was the foolish editor who allowed this one through, though in my defence I was pissed at the time.
approved Jan 8 2004, submitted Dec 1 2003 by anonymous user
This needs to be pictured. Of a sudden, someone might touch your arm and announce 'Wobble!' whereupon everyone in your vicinity would simultaneously jump away from you, dance up and down and sing the title music to Captain Pugwash over and over again until you managed to touch someone else. Clearly elements of 'tig' are involved, but the inclusion of a sea shanty is somewhat more obscure.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Glenn-Emlyn
How are you supposed to know that a word isn't acceptable? If your dad stroked the hair gently around your mother's face, and cooed "gargle my balls in Listerine, you grotesque slag", you'd grow up thinking that it was a loving and romantic thing to say.

So when my grandfather called our battery powered stereo with Dolby and auto-stop cassette functionality a "wogbox", with no hatred or racism in his voice, we didn't bat an eyelid. "Slap some Paul Young on the wogbox," we'd yell out the windows. "Turn up the wogbox, I'm trying to dance over here."

Wogbox. To this day, it's a word that's frequently leaps into my mouth. I'm painfully politically correct by nature, and I hate that I'm not supposed to say it. It's such a great word. "I'm not racist, but wogbox Wogbox WOGBOX. Wogbox." Thank you.
approved Feb 15 2013, submitted Feb 15 2013 by anonymous user
Be prepared for any occasion when a teacher is about to break into one of those "I'm aware that blah blah, but you can't just blah blah" lectures. The wind will be taken out of her sails if you shout "WOLF!" as soon as she says "I'm aware".

The class can then have a heated Q & A session with the teacher about what it's like to be a werewolf, and how she caught lycanthropy.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Nov 23 2004 by Pogglesnatch
It's a gay thing. After taking your man doggie style, then proceed to reign him with bacon rind (or other appropriate unpleasant item). On reaching climax tug hard on the reigns, your partner will puke and his sphincter will tighten around your phallus - resulting in a hightened orgasm. Apparently.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Chris Gray
Quite simply, our Health Education teacher pointed to a diagram of a penis on the board, and exclaimed "The foreskin." One poor child remarked: "What's a foreskin? I haven't got a foreskin." The teacher was sympathetic, the kids less so. The teacher explained this was normal. However, when he the pointed on the diagram to the testicles, only to be met by the boy's increasing confusion: "What are testicles? I haven't got any testicles", the whole class lost all control of their senses. Womble, or "One-Ball", was created to celebrate this day. It turned out that he was telling the truth. It was carnage down there.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by TizOr
In our playground we had some rusty movable hooops, which we used to play netball or basketball with. One of the drawbacks was that occasionally the ball would become jammed up against the top of the basket, and whoever had thrown the ball would have to shin up and knock it back out again.

On one such occasion, Trevor Smith climbed up the pole and, after successfuly knocking the ball free, slid back down. However, he had forgotten that there was a hook designed to hold up a tennis net halfway down, which he duly impaled his nutsack on. In his obvious agony he let go of the pole and was left hanging only by his scrotum, about 5 feet from the ground.

I was one of the 20 or so boys who could do nothing but vomit as he flailed helplessly, emiting an ever increasingly high pitched scream until he was 'unhooked' by some teachers.

After a few weeks off school he returned with the imaginative nickname 'Womble' but frankly I would be suprised if anything had survived the rusty hook. Just writing this has chilled me to the bone(r).
approved Sep 23 2006, submitted Sep 18 2006 by Alex Minshull
An unusual case of knowledge bullying. Using limited electrical know-how, you might be convinced that by standing on a wooden chair, you are free to stick scissors into a mains socket then turn it on. The reason you're going to be OK is because the electricity wil have nowhere to go, as you are not earthed. This is a lie.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Augustus
The only drawback to this plan is that it assumes an innate desire to stick scissors in plug sockets. Most children probably don't waste much time thinking "I wish that socket wasn't so full of electricity, then I could stick these scissors in it."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Nah, but teaspoons do. Steal three teaspoons from the dining room. One each in live and neutral ( before the days of shuttered sockets this ). Flick the switch, then drop the third teaspoon across the now live pair.
As I discovered, one almighty fuck off great big bang later, and the transformer that serviced that block caught fire.
Most amusing. So much so I repeated it whenever I could. Damn the day when the circuit breaker was installed. Damn it and its eyes to hell and back.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Mar 17 2003 by anonymous user
Sinister Woodwork teacher Mr Easton had, in his out-of-bounds 'dangerous tools' cupboard, an array of false wooden arms in various poses that he would place inside his right jacket sleeve so he had a free hand to crack one off unnoticed.

The myth extended to his after-school lawn bowling club where, apparently, frequent acts of consenting wooden-armed sodomy took place.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Nov 29 2004 by Johnny Crotch
An appropriate name for teachers who have had a mastectomy. Children just learning about pirates will assume that any lost limbs are instantly replaced with a wooden facsimile. The usefulness or feasibility of a wooden tit should never be called into question.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Neil Stewart
Also from the song "Wouldn't it, wouldn't it, wouldn't it be funny, If a lady had a wooden tit, Wouldn't it be funny?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Phil Glansvile
What we used to shout at Dawn, the hybrid of dog, cow and whore who moved to our estate when I was 13. She got off with all "our" blokes because she'd let them finger her, and we wouldn't.

Girls! Why not initiate an "arms race" of availability to boys? If a girl is letting fingers in, offer oral. If someone's having fanny sex with rubbers, pull him from her, whisper "it's better without" and jam them, unprotected, into your arsehole. Before you know it, armies of sexually liberated girls will be dragging themselves around on their woo-woos and war will be over. At least until someone from another estate moves in and starts getting boys because she's all prim and unavilable, the stuck-up cunt.
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted Jul 14 2006 by Lucie Randal
The shortest most descriptive term for the sounds a deaf person makes when undergoing an orgasm.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
I think this is like an 'organic' version of the old McDonalds urban myth.
James Basham worked on a farm for work experience, which involved a lot of working alone.
One day at the farm, he had a wank in a greenhouse.
I blame David Cameron, meself.
approved Jun 11 2006, submitted Jun 8 2006 by James Cooper
The philanthropic children who check the perimeter of the gravel playground for worms who have become stranded, and are in dire peril of being trodden on. Worms are picked up and delivered promptly back to sweet diggable grass. Particularly dedicated worm patrollers may kiss the worms. This makes the worms happier.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A demonstration that people with the 'r to w' speech impediment seem hopelessly drawn to alliterative phrases. 'Sir, what are these?' 'They're wusty wivvets, boy' Reacted badly to continued ridicule when we were faced with the terrifying prospect of his "wwath".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Garth