The Law of the Playground
the letter y
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A pastime that involved placing one hand, palm outwards, on the top of your head and the other hand held in place between your teeth by the skin between the thumb and forefinger. In this pose you would run around the yard making a loud squeaking sound. When you approached a victim you would take the hand out of the mouth and hit the victim in the testicles then quickly replace the hand and run off squeaking. The victim had then been 'Yampy-Batted'. The only way to become a Yampy was to draw a bat - not unlike the one on Batman's bat-signal - on your arm with a pen. Anyone not so marked was a potential victim.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bob Rogers
Another defence, assuming that you are allowed to defend yourself without being swarmed by Yampy Bats, would be to hit the hand on the head, causing them to bite through the skin between thumb and forefinger. This evolutionary flaw probably explains the lack of Yampy Bats in adult life.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Used to express disbelief. Also;
Yeah, and my dad drives a tank
Yeah, and my brother can dance on clouds
Yeah, and I can walk through parsley.
Yeah, and I've never eaten a Kit Kat.
The last one turned out to be a bastard ruse from a kid with a rubbish packed lunch who wanted to eat some of my Kit Kat.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tony Gardner, Paul Heath
And if you want to open yourself up to a torrent of mum-related abuse...
Yeah, and my mum's a virgin
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by graf1771
An amusing sticker I found on the back of a pupil, authored and stuck there by Damon Lumley (15) who is still rightfully proud of his creation. I felt this was particularly noteworthy due to it's rejoiceful nature set against the subtlety and moderation of the latter part.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by John Parsons
I once stuck a 'Rape Me' sign to a classmate's back, which had the entire technical drawing class in hysteric in about three seconds.
I'm certain that we all enjoyed the sign on many levels, not least of which the logical paradox of a request for non-consensual sex.
However, the teacher just rolled his eyes, and muttered something about "primary school humour".
Like under 10s are tuned into the nuances of rape jokes, sir. Like that's the case. Sir.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Dec 18 2004 by Osiris of Egypt
Whistful Carribean folk song that we were forced to sing in tuesday morning singing group. Such was the gusto which myself and my friend Philip sang (in thick and poor quality Jamaican accents)that we were asked to come up onto the stage to demonstrate our vocal talents to the rest of the class. While our enthusiasm had got us picked out for special praise, our inclusion of "Oooohkeeey mon!" between each verse only led to the head's office by a "deeply disappointed" music teacher.
approved Nov 15 2005, submitted Nov 11 2005 by Tony Green
Pupils from a nice school were banned from socialising with us when we performed this version of that song on the watersports trip:
Yellow turd, way down in the lavatory.
Yello turd, you sit there and smile at me.
You're so short and fat
You look like a rounders bat
I know why you float
You've got a furry coat
You're much uglier than me.
approved Nov 19 2005, submitted Nov 15 2005 by Sweden Sour
10 Person spots a yellow car. These are the rarest and most noteworthy cars of all.
20 Person who spotted the yellow car says "Yellow car!" and punches the person sat next to them on the arm.
30 Go to 10

Note that the game is called yellow car, not yellow van or yellow truck or yellow bus. Only Jews call commercial vehicles.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Oct 22 2004 by The Boy Tucker
An insult levelled by Alan Blackburn based on his premature puberty, which afforded him thick, lustrous pubic hair and a constant jet of white wee (as opposed to yellow cum) gushing from his cock.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 1 2003 by uncle monty
I posted this a few days ago and while you may have flowered-up my language - nice use of the word "lustrous" - you did lose the bit about how the once virile king of the locker-room is now a sad fat loser whose sex life consists of whacking off on left-handed websites? Could you put that back in?
(My pleasure, Uncle Monty. Sleep well. - Log)
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 7 2003 by uncle monty
Such an unexpected couplet, that you can shout them out in class - with the teacher present - in a distorted fashion so that it's not quite identifiable enough to punish.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Silent Bob
A trip to Yemen requires the following:
1. A coat to cover the travellers head, so that he cant see. You must then hit his head a lot, generally a constant, reasonably gentle slapping.
2. During the slapping the travel guide informs the voyager that he is "going to Yemen", where he must "demand the release of Muhammad Akbar". Meanwhile, keep saying the wise words "Yemeny Yemeny Yemeny".
3. Two assistants hold the coat in place while the tourist is carried around, upside down and spinning in all axes.
4. He should be left in a new and interesting place to pull the coat from his face. Wherever you left him, for the purposes of this exercise, is Yemen.
Not that cruel, not painful, just baffling.
approved May 12 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by griff .
In geography lessons, any mention of the country of Yemen MUST be said loudly as "Yeah Mon!" in the style of Porkpie from Desmonds. Similarly, Oman must be said in the tones of a tired hippy. Deviations will not be tolerated.
approved Jan 2 2006, submitted Nov 23 2005 by anonymous user
Translates to "your mother is a paramilitary terrorist and your father claims income support" This is an "all in one" insult. You have insulted both the parents, their financial income and class level, the fact that their father wasn't "hard enough" to be in the "RA" and that their mother is a terrorist. Both Catholics and Protestants could therefore use it. If only everything was so even-handed.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ross Taylor
An instance of desk-writing, which evolved into a strange kind of soap-opera. One morning, we found written on one of our desks, "Yesterday my girlfriend sucked my cock" in big black letters with a ring round it. The next day, a smaller ring had attached itself to the first, containing the words, "Today I took her from behind." The next day: "I took her from the front." Each day new messages were added, until the entire desk was covered. Some gems I have remembered included, "I like shaved pussies," the contradictory "actually I like hairy pussies best," and the informative "There are several meanings for the word 'pussy.'"
approved Dec 13 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
A similarly ringed biro message on the wall in 3rd year history read 'I love Sweaty Piss Flaps'. Well, don't we all?
approved May 7 2003, submitted Mar 28 2003 by Rochenko .
A playground dialect employed to signify that you mean the opposite of what youre actually saying. The technique is achieved by pulling your lower lip back over your bottom teeth, and making a whooshing sound as if youre describing how something has flown across a room (such as a paper aeroplane or frail child). You have to pronounce each letter s, and the end of each word where possible, using this method. Sounds complex but its easily done.

Let us illustrate this with an example.

Kid A: Look at the state of David Barnes [bag / coat / shoes / pretty much anything you care to mention]. What a fucking gyppo.
Kid B: Yeah I know. Heschh not a shcruffy cunt at allschh.
Kid A: He doeschhnt schhtink of schhit muchschh.
Kid B: And hiscch houseschh is dead cleanschh.

Using Yish, Kids A & B have successfully pointed out that David Barnes is in fact a dirty, smelly, scruffy tramp from whom, by inadvertently smelling his breath, you would certainly catch Aids. Yish can also be used safe in the knowledge that if you are overheard by a teacher when praising something in this way, the teacher is unlikely to be bothered to find out if you are being sincere or not.

Warning: Yish is not effective as a comeback if you are accused of being gay. It is no use simply saying yeschh Im really gayschh, because that just means you really ARE gay, and therefore deserving of a kicking and having everybody find out that youve bummed your dad. No reason, it just DOES.
approved May 15 2005, submitted Jan 21 2005 by Spaghetti Hoops
... and we hate you,


My sisters and I wrote this in my brother's school diary after tippexing out the real message our poor mother had written.
approved Jan 2 2006, submitted Dec 2 2005 by Nicky w
A fire had been started in the library during afternoon break. Mr Welch, deputy head, wasn't happy with this and called an immediate assembly in order to capture the culprit. A full half hour of shouting abuse followed from the funny little Mr Welch who got progressively more and more angry and red in the face. We just sat there in silence until Neil asked Chris the time. Mr Welch heard this break of silence, stared at Neil and tried to shout "YOU BOY!" while pointing at him. Unfortunately his anger took control of his legs and propelled him forward, off the stage, and into a group of frightened first years at the front of the hall. For the next year, the whole school proceeded to fall off various things, shouting "YOU BOY!" Indeed, the process was revived when I met up with old school friends at college 5 or 6 years later.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andy Griffin
An idiot named Dave Smith donned a Halloween mask and actually tried to rob a local store. The cashier (also from our school) recognized his voice and said, "Dave? Is that you?" Dave replied, "No it's not me! Give me your money!" He was, of course, arrested, and to this day, whenever someone in the group hears the phrase "What's the holdup?" we shout "Dave Smith!!"
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Aug 21 2003 by Heidi Crabtree
One afternoon everybody at my (boys) school was summoned to a special assembly by the headmaster. He was furious, literally shaking with rage.
"Now, you may have heard rumours of an... incident... between two members of the college last night," he began.
Cue a collective "Oooooooh..." from the pupils.
"This sort of behaviour is utterly unacceptable in civilised society, and rest assured, the offender has been severely punished."
400 kids lean forwards trembling with prurient interest.
"Let me set the scene. X, a member of my prefect team, enticed young Y (a year nine) into his room with the promise of sweets."
Breaths are bated. Surely not? Surely?
"Once getting him in the room, X locked the door so Y could not escape. He reached into his trousers, and pulled out..."
400 kids all desperately think "Please say cock please say cock"
"A BB gun!"
Cue chorus of disappointed moans.
This assembly led to the only example I can think of of a year nine being repeatedly beaten up because he HADN'T been raped. Tsk, public schools, eh?
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 4 2005 by Ed Thomas
An insult invented by Mark Dunst and lasted for some years in secondary; just another average obscenity to shout at friends and squares.
approved Jul 20 2006, submitted Jul 19 2006 by Woggy M
We used to say "you wank cats" as an insult, until someone invented the retort "yeah, but only on Sundays!" Though the details of the case were not reported, it quickly became common law that restricting your cat-wanking to the Sabbath was a reasonable defence.
approved Sep 27 2012, submitted Sep 26 2012 by Paul Hignett
Your hand is a fridge. Encourage a friend to open the fridge, and browse the many tiny and invisible bottles of milk. Gently goad them into removing one of the bottles of milk, and drinking it. When they do, look knowing and snigger, eventually telling them that they chose the bottle that you'd weed into. When I did this, the "joker" would put their hand over their face in absolute horror at the prospect, or perhaps because they had just said "wee". This leads me to believe we were quite young. Be careful, though - if they haven't mimed a swallow, they could spit your invisible wee back into your face.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
"Me chinese, Me play joke, Me do wee wee in your coke" Similar game. Punchline was, however, the above rhyme. The additional humour here is derived from the general knowledge that chinese people spend the majority of their time weeing into each other's soft drinks.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
One of a range of questions that will generally be followed by a lingering, horrified silence. The questioner will discover that no, no one knew, and that he had, in fact, made a terrible blunder that would haunt him for the rest of his days.
approved Dec 4 2003, submitted Oct 23 2003 by J Tapdancer
A slow, muggy silence followed Tom Fletcher's statement that "If you look through your legs when you're having a shit, you can see the poo coming out of your arse".
We've all thought it. Some will even confess that they've peeked through the gap between the bowl and the toilet seat, if they're pushed. But Tom Fletcher's eagerness to share this discovery implies that he went on to watch poos slide out of a great many arses.
approved Sep 27 2004, submitted Dec 8 2003 by Charlie Webb
Never convincingly covered up with overtures of an embarrassed "I was only kidding, Jesus" or, even worse, "I only said it to see if anyone else would say yes..."
No you weren't, you ate your wank and everyone now knows it.
approved Jan 19 2004, submitted Jan 2 2004 by Josh G
Tom Clues reveled in the act and even felt extra pride upon realising that no one else did, when he announced it one lunch time.
But then this was hardly a surprising admission from a lad who got his stiffy out in the middle of Plymouth shopping district and tended to "just nip into Debenhams for a wank".
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Feb 12 2004 by Jason Tapdancer
I know! Lets' get the dog to lick our cocks!
[pause as we tried to work out if he was joking]
Brilliant idea! That'd be amazing! You go first!
[he wasn't joking]
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Apr 18 2004 by anonymous user
A : Does anyone else get an erection when taking a massive shit?
B thru H, in unison : No.
A : neither.
A : Just checking.
A : Just making sure no-one got the horn when they did massive shits.
A : [laughs] Sickos!

approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Oct 28 2004 by Random Fried
The scenario unfolds as follows:
1) Toilet flushes.
2) My friend exits the toilet, looking puzzled.
3) My friend asks the question 'do you cum when you poo?'
I was unable to say anything. I still am.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted Dec 27 2004 by Mr. D
Bizarre game. Simple to do, tough to explain. Person A makes statement. You say 'You what?' They repeat statement, and you just double it. An example; A : I'm just going for a shit. B : You what? A : I'm just going for a shit. B : WHAT!? You're going for TWO shits!? You could get out of it by saying 'Just the once' before you spoke. Lasted ages.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Craig Scarratt
A phrase which my Foods teacher said about a jar of mustard that was nearly empty.
My friend Amy found this phrase inexplicably funny and repeated it at least once every Foods lesson, which was annoying until she said it out loud after the teacher announced that she was having a baby.
approved Jul 26 2005, submitted Jul 26 2005 by Hannah Peterson
Slur to be directed at any classmate with skin a shade or two darker than the WASP majority. Direct with equal voracity at those of African, Indian or Middle Eastern descent.
The outrageous falsity in declaring a Pakistani to be a member of the negroid race is more than made up for by the fact that it rhymes.
approved Jan 23 2004, submitted Jan 22 2004 by Phil Glansvile
Telling a bully that he is bullying you is one of the less effective way of stopping the bullying. You are most likely to get punched for the unnecessary commentary.
Employed with this exact effect by one Stuart Bywater, who perhaps believed the bully would look at his fist and say "God, and bullying's wrong, isn't it?" then become a fucking architect or something.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Apr 13 2003 by anonymous user