The Law of the Playground
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Having watched Clive James eyelessly present clips from the crazed Japanese game show "Endurance", we attempted to create our own test of strength, bravery and stamina... by seeing who could sit for the longest on a hot radiator.

In reality this bore less of a resemblance to a madcap slapstick TV show and more a bizarre ritual by an oriental death cult as wave after wave of young boys chose to voluntarily sterilize themselves.
approved Jun 29 2007, submitted Mar 31 2006 by Jesse Ventura
A boy pointed at me and said to his friend, "she's always crying."

This made me cry.
approved Jun 29 2007, submitted Apr 3 2006 by Name Withheld
Bass recorder players only ever had about 2 notes to play throughout the entire tune. But the tenor was best. Please don't print my name.
Righto.
approved Jun 24 2007, submitted Dec 8 2005 by Aly G
I snuck into the older boys' toilets halfway through my first year at primary school and one of the things I did while I was in there was eat a urinal cake. Not because I thought it was a marshmallow, but because I thought that eating it would grant me the strength of all the older boys who had pissed in the urinal. This, I reasoned,would make me a superhero and bestow upon me the power to destroy all my enemies.
approved Jun 23 2007, submitted Sep 23 2006 by anonymous user
I'm 'monoballed' and am pretty certain that I've shagged far more attractive women than you. Shame.

CHINNY.
approved Jun 23 2007, submitted Apr 10 2006 by anonymous user
The distance that Danny Swailes fell to escape a 10 minute after school detention for the whole class. Danny said he was leaving at the normal time. When Mr Luck blocked the door, Danny slid the back window open and hopped out.
Despite his confidence, Danny sprained both ankles so badly that he couldn't actually walk for a week, and had to ask a teacher, who happened to see this crumpled, crying mess on the floor, to phone his dad for a lift home.
approved Jun 23 2007, submitted Apr 24 2006 by Michael Burke
An earnest attempt was made to scientifically disprove the theory that you can be killed by lighting while standing under a large beech tree in a thunder storm. This was swiftly curtailed by Mr. Walters, who yelled at us to not be so bloody stupid and get inside.
approved Jun 16 2007, submitted Feb 1 2007 by Gareth Winslade
The film 'The Sting' had a great impact on us. If someone arrived 5 minutes late to class, they would fling the door open and announce "Sorry I'm late guys, I was taking a crap" in a terrible American accent.

Note: You can only get away with this in Steve Pack's geography class.
approved Jun 16 2007, submitted Jul 28 2006 by Creeda hoffer
Kiki and Miquet would also politely exclaim 'Au secours! Un voleur!' when Madame Bertillon's purse was snatched.
Stupid bitch should have seen it coming. The stripy jumper and swag bag said it all.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Feb 14 2007 by Name Withheld
My friend Phil's parents invited a load of members of the local Spastics society around for Christmas day. Phil denied this for years, until on a boating trip to Norfolk he was made to walk the plank off the side of the barge with a sign reading "I had spastics round for Christmas" hanging around his neck.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Jan 22 2006 by simon israel
Not one but TWO space penises. Truly our cup runneth over. Thanks to Darren and Anonymous for these.

Yarm School, Teeside:


Bellemoor School, Southampton:
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Dec 15 2006 by anonymous user, Darren Lamb
I remember Stan, and have fond memories of being picked on for his "demonstrations" where he proceded to either half dislocate my shoulder or near snap my neck. I'm sure he claimed to have killed a crocodile once.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Jan 4 2007 by anonymous user
A question for Mr Wilson. Did you really think it was a good idea to leave teaching in order to pursue a career as a plain-clothes store detective? WH Smith must have lost more money than usual, as hordes of your ex-pupils descended upon the shop en masse to grab handfuls of booty, often to wave it triumphantly at you before fleeing, leaving you open mouthed and crestfallen.
I only hope you are happier now in your role as proprietor of the local "Mr Minit" key cutting and shoe repair emporium.

Over to you, Mr Wilson. No, it was a Yale, you twit. That's a shoe. - Matt
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Feb 5 2007 by anonymous user
A chap at my school (now training to be a circus ringmaster) went all-out to establish a reputation as the school weirdo. His antics included:

1. Performing impromtu hygiene services where he'd run up behind you, whip out a toothbrush and clean your teeth for as long as it took you to shake him off. All the while, he'd croon "I'm a doctor" in an American accent.

2. Putting his penis (which he'd named "Eugene") in a bap and parading around.

3. Producing a dead crow from his pants in an English lesson.

4. Being employed as a mercenary to kick people up the arse because it was highly likely he'd be in trouble at the end of the day anyway.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Oct 31 2006 by anonymous user
Nick-name of our large-bosomed headmistress. For best effect you would shout louder and louder "Thunder... Thunder... THUNDER... THUNDER TITS!!!", accompanied by stretching your jumper out as far as possible to resemble massive, albeit pointy, breasts.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Jan 9 2007 by Bryce Hamilton
To the tune of 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls:

If you wanna be my lover,
Sex is 50p.
Condoms are one-fifty,
Buy one get one freeee!


Every time I see a 'Buy One Get One Free' offer I get the urge to sing that song.

You should go right ahead. It'd probably brighten up some old sod's Tesco shopping trip anyway. - Matt
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Aug 10 2006 by steph smith
One day Tez came into school with a rhyme his mate from another school taught him:

In the German nick
They hang you by your dick
And the bats play snooker with your balls.
Then your mind goes blank
And you're dying for a wank
And the cum goes shooting up the walls.


This rhyme proved to be so popular that by the end of the first lesson, the whole class were singing it. The only problem was, I didn't actually know what cum was. Eventually I asked Tez who laughed in my face and told the rest of the class who also all laughed at me. I still reckon none of them knew what it was either. Bastards.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Aug 10 2006 by anonymous user
A couple of the Set 1 GCSE Maths class popped over to our Set 2 class one day, in order to tell us that our teacher, an awkward, sartorially challenged man, was "a bender".
They did this with black marker pen in capitals on every one of a stack of about forty textbooks, and then legged it and left us to suffer. Cue the head of maths, possibly from the Middle East somewhere, shouting in his Borat-esque accent that "That man has had more women than all of you have had hot dinners!" I didn't know where to put my face.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Dec 31 2006 by Struff Bunstridge
This originated in the first year of high school. When Tej tried to drink a Capri Sun behind his bag during registration, we squeezed the drink thus making him 'down it' all in one go.

From then on, anyone seen enjoying the said drink was subjected to the Capri Sun Challenge.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Jan 25 2007 by Name Withheld
Yum yum bubble gum
Stick it up your mother's bum.


Additional lines detail the processing of the bubble gum, as follows:

When it's brown, pull it down
When it's black, put it back
When it's pink, let it stink.


That's about as far as we got. We were only about 6.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Dec 9 2006 by Mike Oxtiny