The Law of the Playground
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Some come here to sit and think, but I come here to shit and stink.
John Betjeman, 1947 - Lavaratory wall at St Thomas of Canterbury Middle School.
approved Dec 1 2006, submitted Aug 10 2006 by Tom Wardley
The name of the mythical hairdresser where Miss Harris had her hair cut very short.
approved Dec 1 2006, submitted Sep 21 2006 by stink lines
It all began when someone tried to kick a football and their shoe came off. From there, it was natural progression to see who could flick their shoe the furthest, and then why not start a fight with shoes?
It all ended when a shoe went through a window and the culprit was immediately identified as the kid with only one shoe on.
approved Dec 1 2006, submitted Jul 6 2006 by anonymous user
So annoyed was our Irish teacher with one lad's persistent attempts to derail a lesson that he reached over two desks, caught hold of the boy's lapels and, in time-honoured Regan-from-the-Sweeney-fashion, began to shake the living shite out of him, proclaiming "YOU'VE INTERRUPTED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, YE WEE TUBE YE!!", through the most gritted teeth I had ever seen, at that stage in my 13-year existence. Mr X then proceeded to haul the boy over the aforementioned desks and throw him out onto the corridor. He then did that "Anybody else want some?" routine, believing that peace would now reign over the class. He hadn't realised that one of the pupil's shoes had come off in the altercation and completely lost it when the boy feebly tapped the door and came in waving a white sock in mock surrender to ask the teacher if he could have his shoe back.
approved Nov 20 2006, submitted Sep 17 2006 by Aidan Doherty
Equipment:
One pair of your granny's tights
One tennis ball

How to play:
Put one leg of the tights inside the other. Put the tennis ball into the foot end of the tights. Grab the gusset end, stand against a wall in the shape of a star, and swing the ball against the wall in a mad frenzy whilst singing playground songs such as "A sailor went to sea, sea, sea".

Purpose of game:
Absolutely none at all.

WARNING: Overzealous bouncing may cause occasional black eyes and sore bollocks.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Jul 20 2006 by Name Withheld
In 6th form I bought a toy panda from the Nick Park 'Creature Comforts' animal range, made a 'Y' incision, took out the stuffing, made cuddly guts stuffed with the self-same fibres recently taken from its innards, and added a zip. This was then presented to my friend Beth at Christmas as the 'Psycho Panda Home Surgery Kit' (complete with illustrated instruction booklet), so named because of the mad staring glazed eyes it retained throughout the procedure.

Our brutality to soft toys did not end there. That same year we drew a huge pentagram on the common room table with tipp-ex and staked down a teddybear. We also sacrificed numerous hockey socks to our dark lord Marilyn Manson, though to be honest why he would want half a poorly knitted grubby item of girls sporting footwear is beyond me.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Oct 29 2006 by Het Phillips
The name of the company I made business cards for in year 8. They claimed to cater for "all your hamster's sexual needs". Run from 10 Downing "dtreet".
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Aug 3 2006 by anonymous user
During my school days, I learned that the best way to stop pickpockets is to put a dog shit in a sandwich bag, and put it your coat pocket. You can guarantee they'll never do it again.

Aye, right. So you walked around with a dog shit in your coat pocket all day, just in case someone tried to steal your handkerchief? You've emerged as the clear winner here. You daft sod. - Matt
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Oct 9 2006 by Peter Lynch
A list of rules on a nearby public Pool Area (including one about 'trespass') was unwisely constructed with those little stick-on letters that are pleasantly easy to peel off. This allowed the creation of the line, "NO ASS IN THE POO AREA". Sadly, a new sign was eventually put up, minus the stick-on letters.

Also nearby was a sign in front of an ice-cream shop advertising 'Buttercream Milkshakes'. The 'er' was stolen from that sign about four times within the space of one day before the store just got rid of it. I had to admire their persistence.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Nov 8 2006 by anonymous user
Mr and Mrs Cornell made a crucial decision on the steps of Wembley Register Office. As it was about to close, they decided that Kaye would be an adequate substitution for Faye. Having realised on the bus that 'Faye Cornell' may have been what they said when informed of her imminent existence but that didn't mean it had to be her name for life.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Oct 21 2006 by Kaye Cornell
The comeback to this is, of course, "So you shit in your hand, then?"
approved Nov 11 2006, submitted Sep 19 2006 by anonymous user
One of our school bullies used to walk around the changing room wearing only a towel. He would order you to look at him, whereupon he would open the towel and expose himself to you.
He would then (after putting some clothes on) beat you up for being 'gay'.
This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Gaymo.
approved Nov 5 2006, submitted Oct 9 2006 by Si Badvibes
I believe that this is the best entry we have EVER had.
When I was a child these five girls used to love kissing me all at the same time! When they had finished I would proceed to punch this guy named Edward in the stomach!
Were YOU a bigger child stud than Murray Pirret? Perhaps you were snorting coke off a prozzies' tits at nine years old. We NEED to know.
approved Nov 5 2006, submitted Oct 29 2006 by Murray Pirret
In year 8 CDT we had to design, make and 'market' a product of our choice. My group came up with the DIY Surgery Series.
The DIY Vasectomy Kit consisted of a razor blade to perform the operation with, a sewing kit to patch yourself up with (different colour threads available for the man about town), a can of premium strength lager as your anaesthetic, and an instruction manual.
The artwork was fairly good considering none of us could draw anything but knobs, which we were banned from drawing despite our pleas that it was vital to the project.
The kit proved to be quite popular, although the teacher confiscated the can of Stella so that we "wouldn't get caught with it." We later went on to design more DIY surgery kits for our own amusement and I actually gave the DIY Vasectomy kit to a friend at Christmas once.
approved Oct 28 2006, submitted Aug 29 2006 by Scott Leitch
I played this game regularly, although we called it 'Poiling People's Pames'. Our code was truly unbreakable.
approved Oct 28 2006, submitted Jul 26 2006 by Mark Gravell
A universally popular game at my elementary school.

1. A girl shouts "neener-neener-neener" at a boy and then runs away.
2. The boy chases the girl until he catches up with her.
3. The girl beats the boy up.

If a boy does not give chase, that means he wants to cut straight to the beating. It is considered polite to oblige his unspoken wish.

Surprisingly, boys usually played this game enthusiastically and frequently. It lasted for the entire two years I attended the school, with no reaction but bemusement from the teachers at the sight of five-year-old boys happily being kicked repeatedly by girls until they fell over.
approved Oct 28 2006, submitted Oct 19 2006 by anonymous user
Ok; I'd left school and it was during my law degree at the University of Helsinki.
But I was still appropriately immature enough to be thrilled when their student housing office presented me with the keys to the studio apartment at 14/6 Piispantie.
approved Oct 28 2006, submitted Oct 23 2006 by Kaye Cornell
Even when I was in school we still used the customary Joey Deacon spastic impression.
And it was for this that the headmaster of my primary school pulled me, and a group of mates into his office for 'bullying'.
By way of 'punishment' he proceeded to perform the most outrageous impression of a handicapped since Daniel Day Lewis:
He flailed his arms and legs all over the place, whilst spitting and drooling, and made primitive grunting and hooting noises.
His idea was to shock us into realising how unpleasant we had been, but the result was simply 4 naughty boys with tears rolling down their faces as they dismally failed to stifle their astonished, choking laughter.
approved Oct 28 2006, submitted Oct 26 2006 by Karl Mercer
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club!
But on joining this club, you didn't get a chocolate biscuit, or an after school activity. And it was 50p to join and you could only join when asked by another member. In fact, all you did was march around the playground with linked arms trying to get more people to give 50p to Dennis Chambers.
approved Oct 17 2006, submitted Oct 3 2006 by unidentified user
I recently noticed that Oasis fruit juice bottles have 'Chug It' written on the top, followed by 'open by hand'. Beat that.
approved Oct 17 2006, submitted Jul 21 2006 by Peter Lynch