The Law of the Playground
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Skill meant two things at our school - African Bum Disease, or Penguin Poo. At a class reunion, I imagine many of us would agree that this was a useful introduction to the fluid and essentially subjective nature of language.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by anonymous user
There is a global game of cock smack going on right now, and if you have a cock, you're playing. To initiate a round of cock smack, you must first warn your target with the phrase "you know the rules - cover your jewels". For obvious reasons, the warning phrase is often shortened to "Yehnehtheruhcuhyuhjuz". Then, smack them in the cock.

Smacks range from the full cock-punch, to the more advanced and surprisingly debilitating bell flick.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by anonymous user
Chris Pankhurst's little catchphrase was Jammy Dodger. As in "you jammy dodger". Obviously, this is an awful catchphrase, and when an entire class rounded on him for saying such shit so often, he flew into a genuinely terrifying rage, and screamed "YOU JAMMY... SCORPION"

Clearly, he required the opposite of a dodger. Which is a scorpion. Clearly.
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted May 3 2004 by stuart heritage
A measurement of radioactivity emanating from a child's massive forehead. Named after a child with a big bottom lip, whose forehead was so massive that it would emit literally shitloads of boolams, requiring us to take the precautionary measure of slapping him across the face with a ruler.
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted Aug 11 2003 by Doctor Barnabus
You risked this if you put a pencil in your mouth, even for just a split second. If you were stupid enough to even give the end of your pencil a little kiss, everyone would scream "what is wrong with you?" and "do you want to die or something?"

Some people would be so concerned about your well-being that they would punch you. Later, someone pointed out that the pencils were made out of graphite, and not lead. This didn't stop the panic, because graphite poisoning was about ten times worse, you fucking idiot with your crazy deathwish.

Log says:
If you do succumb to lead poisoning, your blood will turn black in your veins. This is only lethal when the black blood reaches your heart, giving you minutes to run around screaming "I can see it in my arm, I'm going to die".
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld
Way beyond the nipple gripple, and in the sun-scorched lands beyond the purple durple is the UT3. It's the only titty twister you'll see performed in the oil fields of the USA. It's the Ultimate Texan Titty Twister, and requires a synchronised dual titty twist of at least 180 degrees.
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted Apr 26 2006 by Name Withheld
Our man with this problem in 1975 was Mr Kemp. Had we progressed beyond our horror that a room full of twelve year old kids should have this effect on him, and given some thought to a contemporary pop chart-related epithet, I expect we'd have called him Mr Postman. Or maybe The Bump.
approved Oct 13 2011, submitted Oct 13 2011 by Name Withheld
Mr Rose had a problem with his erection. More specifically, his problem was that he couldn’t stop having erections in class. When he turned from writing on the blackboard, you were on a fifty-fifty that there'd be a captivating tumescence nudging at the zip of his baggy flares.

Had it been any other year, with any other pop chart, he might have been nicknamed "Purple Strain" or "The Jefferson Penis Experience". But this was 1983, and Haysi Fantayzee dominated the airwaves with "John Wayne Is Big Leggy".

You're stuck with the tools God gives you. Hence, "Horny Rose is Big Loggy".
approved Oct 10 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
The fact that "plastic" rhymes with "spastic" led to some speculation that Scopers were made out of the stuff.

Half a pound of nuts and bolts,
Half a pound of plastic.
Stick them in the washing machine,
Out pops a spastic!

The single redeeming feature of this rhyme is the jubilant bursting out of the washing machine by the freshly manufactured spastic. You could almost imagine him with a rose between his teeth and jazz hands.
approved Oct 8 2011, submitted Nov 12 2003 by anonymous user
Depressive, antisocial, cynical, self-harming and anti-establishment, Holloway hated everything and everyone, almost as much as he hated himself. He was considered extremely cool, and I was sort of in his circle, by virtue of him despising me slightly less than he despised the rest of humanity. His coolness peaked when he didn't make his A Levels because he missed the bus. It began to fizzle out when he failed a suicide attempt, and took a job in the public sector.
approved Oct 8 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
A man named after his appearance - that of a muppet Michael Jackson. The most popular Fozzie-related sport was to roll up small bits of paper, dampen them in your mouth and fire them from your Bic biro case like a pea shooter, to get as much paper and other debris into Ferrison's hair without him feeling it. Alternately, you could empty the contents of a hole-punch into his hair like confetti.

The most notable game reached a climax with me losing five to eight. Matches were normally ended like a game of Buck-A-Roo, with Ferrison ruffling his hair and everything dropping out. This time, it ended with a more satisfying finale, when my poor aim led to a wad of damp exercise book entering a non-participant's mouth just as he breathing in.
approved Oct 8 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
At Great Portland Street, which was a school for the blind, which is where I went because my eyes are shit, I discovered that you could press down some of the Braille dots on the hymn books.

The name of the school was written on the front cover of the books, and by removing the lower left dot of the P, and the two lower dots on the O of Portland, hundreds of blind children looked aghast as they fingers told them they were attending Great Fartland Street.

Not the rudest thing in the world, but just thought you'd like to know there's a lighter side to perpetual darkness.
approved Oct 4 2011, submitted Dec 17 2003 by Benedict Reeves
The victim would be clamped to the ground and force fed grass. Meanwhile, the perpetrator and any invested observers would remind the victim how fortunate he was by singing the words to the Anchor Butter song: 'we are lucky cows - we chew the cud and browse'.

Count yourself lucky. There are some cows out there who aren't chewing the cud and, erm, browsing. You wouldn't want to be one of those cows, would you?
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mark Barron
Abbot was popular, charming, and irretrievably fixated on all things sexual. Most of what he did and pretty much all he said either referenced or simulated sexual function. A few examples that stick in the memory:

-Enthusiastically and noisily licking a protrusion in the classroom’s plasterboard wall on the basis that it was "a clitoris".

-Jumping in front of the deputy head in the 6th Form common room, bending down low and spreading his arse cheeks apart with his hands. Because (in Abbot's opinion) the deputy head was gay, and would appreciate it.

-Drawing a detailed picture of a naked Mrs Tomalin, with meticulous detail and colouring on her vagina. He labelled this the “Triangle Of Delight” and pretended to pleasure it with his mouth like it was some kind of clitoral plasterboard wall.

-Pretending that a glue stain on the common room window was in fact his semen, which had flown out while he was masturbating. He would simulate the sound of this hot ejaculation by going "SSsssss".

-Serenading Dytham with a song outlining his gayness.

Well, Dytham’s a homosexual
He really is so gay
He likes to get boys on the ground
And roll them in the hay
If you should hear old Dytham
Making such a din
He’ll have got some poor boy’s trousers down
And pushed his penis in

Dytham was not gay, but that's OK - it he was, this song would have been homophobic.

-Proposing to the school council that we should have a swimming pool party in the school pool. When asked to elaborate what that actually involved he said “we just get a mixed group of sixth formers in there and encourage intercourse”

We never had that swimming party.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
French woman whose misadventures in the Tricolore textbooks were entirely unspectacular - except for the fact that her eyes were a pair of tits. Her pupil-nipples (or nippupils) existed, unfeasibly, outside of the eyehole. There were two types of tit-eye in the cartoon:

Fig 1 shows the amiable, ponderous, motherly dumpling eyes. As tit-eyes, they're likeable - but they might not always get the job done.
Meanwhile, Fig 2 shows the shrewish, aggressive yet quietly unhappy pointy-tit eyes. It's difficult to imagine sucking a satisfying amount of milk from the pupils of these eyes.
Figure 3 is a pair of tits I have photoshopped above a nose and mouth. You'd be mates with that, wouldn't you? He's a barrel of laughs, him.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
In primary school, we had an assembly about a serial shitter. He had pooed three times, like a fairy tale. Once on the foor, once in the urinal and once in the sink.

In the end, if was discovered that it was a Year 1 pupil who'd done it, which was a bit of a let-down. We'd previously assumed it was a work of genius, but knowing a five-year-old had done it just seemed childish.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 4 2003 by Luke Tansey
Kathryn Wakeman had to leave A-level physics early one afternoon for a dentist appointment. At the appropriate time, she was excused, and squeezed past Mr Howarth's desk where he was explaining a particularly complicated bit of physics. In doing so she managed to knock some papers onto the floor and bent over to pick them up.

Mr Howarth immediately turned around and pretended to shag her from behind. He did a 'phwoar' face and everything. It's fair to say we were astonished.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 20 2005 by Gareth Lewis
A girl - let's call her TS-B, made the error in secondary school of declaring to everyone that she had shagged Tom Cruise. We told her she was lying, but she wouldn't confess - so it was her own fault that her sexual appetite had a kind of open season declared on it. She started it.

"She put a hamster in her vag face first and it suffocated."

"She put stick insects up her fanny. They all died."
approved Oct 2 2011, submitted Jul 19 2006 by Woggy M
You think people who draw cocks on stuff are stupid? Well let's see you pull this off. Go on, pull it off. You big gay.

(Someone needs credit for this, as it obviously wasn't me. It just got sent to me by someone who said he got it "on the internet".)
approved Oct 2 2011, submitted Oct 2 2011 by Jon Blyth
A fart. As in "ahhh... Bisto"

The Bisto Kids, lifting the lid on a pot of farts they did earlier
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon Harriyott