The Law of the Playground
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"It's the joke material that nevorr ends." - Bob Geldof

Q: What do you call 2 Ethiopians in a sleeping bag?
A: Twix.

Q: What do you call 2 Ethiopians on a raft?
A: Drifter.

approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Jul 31 2006 by Anonomous User
Q: What do Ethiopians do at night?
A: Starve.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted May 22 2006 by Name Withheld
Q - What do you find up an Ethiopian's bum?
A - Spoon marks.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Apr 27 2006 by anonymous user
Q: How do you kill 100 flies with one blow?
A: Punch an Ethiopian.
(6/10, Good twist on the Jack the Giant Killer fable of "seven in one blow")

Q: How did the Grand Canyon Form?
A: An Ethiopian went on holiday dropped a pea down a rabbit hole.
(3/10, if just one Ethiopian went on holiday, there'd hardly be a canyon-forming rush to get the pea, would there? I mean, Americans wouldn't get out of bed for anything smaller than a gigantic pea pie.)

approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Nov 8 2004 by anonymous user
Given here not for their amusement factor, but to remind us all how immense human suffering isn't all that serious, really.

Q: What's the fastest thing on earth?
A: An Ethiopian with a dinner ticket.
Q: What's the second fastest thing on earth?
A: Blue Peter trying to film it.
Q: What would you do if you saw an Ethiopian drowning?
A: Throw him a Polo.
Q: What's the definition of a barcode?
A: An Ethiopian family photograph.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Feb 13 2003 by Name Withheld
Still in use at the time of posting:

How do you get a hundred Ethiopians into a telephone box? Put a tin of sardines in it.

How do you get a hundred Ethiopians out of a telephone box? Run past with a tin opener.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Feb 11 2003 by blee anne
Shouted and accompanied by a flexing of a little finger. Denotes the possession of a unimpressive member. An abbreviation of Maggot, which little willies look like.

Variations include, maggee, Mr. Magoo, magga magga magga and magwaaaaah, shouted in a Zippy from Rainbow style voice.

The only reversal is, sadly, lacking in finesse. Simply shout back "No you're the MAG! I'm a MONSTER!" Meaning, obviously, that your penis is huge, and very hairy indeed.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Jul 7 2003 by Brian Brady
Given to the smallest, weakest kid during games lessons. Victim is pinned to the floor and asked if he wants "an accelerator". Regardless of the answer (no-one ever says "yes"), you spread his legs, put your foot on his bollocks, and floor it. The engine realistically rises in pitch as you press harder, just like a real car.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Jan 27 2003 by Nick Hunt
Mr Gregory was our geography teacher in year 2. We hated him, so formed (and my toes curl at the memory) the Anti Gregory Liberation Army.

The IRA and SAS can sleep easy in their beds - our rebellion stretched as far as making small badges with a picture of a beard drawn on with the wobbly green letters 'AGLA' underneath. These were then worn under the lapels of our blazers.

Our one tactical strike was putting the clock forward 10 minutes in lessons so we could get out early. Plot was foiled when Gregory, er, looked at his watch. No members of the AGLA ever went on to serve in the Gulf War.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Iain Mason
A reassuring lie for ugly people. It doesn't work quite as well for fat people, however, and can trigger a guessing game as to what it is exactly that's inside the massive bastards.
approved Sep 24 2011, submitted Sep 24 2011 by Jon Blyth
Version of telling, or arrrrrrrr. The main group of people would shout "ee-a, ee-a" for around three minutes, circling the offender, and one person would go for the teacher. Presumably we were a fleet of police cars, which is something of a disproportionate civil response to someone doing a smelly trump.
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted Jan 27 2003 by anonymous user
Law of the Playground Uncovered: By way of a response to someone who asked recently how the approval process works, here we've included an editorial conversation regarding this submission. See? We genuinely do care, and we rigorously look at entries from all the angles before approving them.

Jesus, you people... I submitted this Stop 'n' Grow entry about six months ago, and can assure you I did not do so under "Welly full of water fleas". Maybe the people directing traffic on this site are the same mongs who cack-handedly sub-edited my original submission and made me sound like a trans-Atlantic cross between Dirty Harry ("rookie mistake" - wtf??) and a Viz character. Cunts. Simon M.

Matt: Conor, he's talking to YOU.
Conor: What a cunt! He should be fucking grateful we even looked at his shitty spack-handed entry and turned it into something halfway readable. Shall I approve this or just delete it?
Matt: You could put a news article on the front page that says "Simon M is a CUNT".
Mansh: Hey you guys - chill out! Can't we just all get along?
Ponky: Up your bottom, Grandad.
Log: I like lucozade
Phil: Get off me. Just get OFF me.
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted May 15 2006 by anonymous user
In a bid to stop me biting my nails, my parents bought me a jar of 'Stop 'n' Grow', a foul-tasting but invisible preparation to be forcibly painted on one's nails, thereby rendering them less attractive to the tooth.
One lunchtime I reasoned it would be a terrific wheeze to paint Stop 'n' Grow onto the ends of everybody's pens and pencils while they were out in the playground. My rookie mistake was to immediately tell a large handful of classmates - well, it wouldn't be any fun if I kept it to myself, would it? Loyal foot soldiers Christina Bradwell and Helen Schnitzler found out and grassed. Everybody was warned not to suck the ends of their pens, and I got my first ever strokes of the cane.

Still think it was a rock idea, though.

This entry gets in (despite its inexplicable submission under 'Welly Full of Water Fleas') because I was similarly forced to undergo the torture of the foul Stop 'n' Grow. The terror of the stuff will make you bite your nails to the quick - or not, of course. - Conor
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted Aug 10 2005 by simon mantle
Fiendish plan by two nine year olds who wished to dupe the charitable British public into giving them money to buy Star Wars stuff. The "Anthony and John Figure Fund" involved rattling homemade collection tins made from Panda Pops bottles with attractive labels drawn in felt tip and wandering the estate until we got bored. After two afternoons we had extorted £2.00 each from our parents, who found their children begging for toy money from their neighbours extremely distasteful.

I got Lando Calrissian - result!!
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Tony Green
What we used to shout at Dawn, the hybrid of dog, cow and whore who moved to our estate when I was 13. She got off with all "our" blokes because she'd let them finger her, and we wouldn't.

Girls! Why not initiate an "arms race" of availability to boys? If a girl is letting fingers in, offer oral. If someone's having fanny sex with rubbers, pull him from her, whisper "it's better without" and jam them, unprotected, into your arsehole. Before you know it, armies of sexually liberated girls will be dragging themselves around on their woo-woos and war will be over. At least until someone from another estate moves in and starts getting boys because she's all prim and unavilable, the stuck-up cunt.
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted Jul 14 2006 by Lucie Randal
If you left your seat in Miss Windsor's biology class for GCSEs at Wimbledon College, you'd return to find a laboratory implement placed on your stool and a crowd of people screaming that you'd been sitting on that for the lesson, thus getting bum pleasure.

The progression was as follows:
1. Pencils
2. A test tube
3. A test tube rack
4. A bunsen burner (yellow flame)
5. A bunsen burner (blue flame)
6. Retort stand
7. Upturned stool, signifying '4 pronged pleasure'.

We thought this was the pinnacle of implied but unsubstantiated cornhole abuse, until Gettings returned to his chair to discover that he had in fact been sitting on Adrian all lesson, and Adrian was crying.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Oct 21 2004 by Tony Cockles
When my maths teacher was introducing us to functions, she wrote f(x) on the blackboard and informed us that it was pronounced "f of x". I shared a desk with a boy called Scott, who thought she was telling a letter of the alphabet to "f. off".

He spent the next hour repeating "f of x! f off x!" - experimenting with the delicious phonetic closeness of the two words - and giggling helplessly into his own neck. No-one else laughed at all. We were 14, and most of us were quite accustomed to telling people, things and abstract concepts to fuck off.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Nov 15 2004 by S Finklenastikin
Mr Anstey - mild-mannered R.E. teacher faced an up-hill struggle every week. Nobody really cared about "what kind of lentils Muslins had for breakfast". What they were interested in was having the man endure squadrons of paper planes pelting his back, while he chalked up The Ten Commandments.

Mr Anstey: "Right. Pieces of paper are now 10p each!"
Class clown, after throwing a £1 coin at teacher and strolling up to grab a pile of paper: "OK. I'll take ten."
You see, on God & stuff he was mustard. Forecasting current trends in market forces, though - rubbish.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Sep 26 2003 by Leigh Hall
A dinner lady once asked a colleague what the magic word was, after he forgot to say please. His response?

"Abracadabra motherfucker, now give me my potatoes!"

He later claimed that he had been calling the dinner lady "Mother Hubbard" as a term of endearment. It was a nice try.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Feb 25 2004 by The Boy Tucker
Are you ABC? Watch out! What ABC stands for depends on your response.

Say yes, and you've confessed to being an African Bum Cleaner. Say no, and you've just denied that you are A Brilliant Child

This doesn't exactly work if you're going to be a dick about grammar. And it is, to be fair, only really funny if they say "yes", because that's the only way you get to say "oh Jesus you're an African Bum Cleaner, this is most irregular".
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Arnold