The Law of the Playground
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If you're going to throw a paper aeroplane at the French teacher, you might as well make a trip to the art room before the lesson and do it properly.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Dec 27 2002 by Phil Glansvile
A girl's retort to any insult. It works on the same theory as "what you say is what you are", or "I know you are, you said you are, so what am I?".

Bully : Elaine, you scabby thighed fat bitch!
Elaine : A bit like you, really.

This is an imperfect reflection. The bully could quite logically reply:

What, just a bit like me? Do you mean I'm scabby-thighed but not fat? Or that I'm scabby-thighed AND fat, but just not as much as you? Either way, you just admitted that you are a scabby-thighed fat bitch, and I'm telling the headmaster.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Dec 28 2004 by Jon Blyth
Rupert Baynham spent an entire month when he should have been studying for A-Levels making an Evil Edna costume for the school Halloween party. The costume was not for himself however, but for the mildly retarded girl Helena who he tortured at any given opportunity. The genius of the design (and hence the man hours required) lay in the "hidden compartments" later to be filled with Camembert cheese (only the finest would suffice). The cheese was left to "mature" on school radiators and the costume was gratefully received by the girl thinking it a peace offering from Rupert. One extra feature were ropes inside, ostensibly to "help keep the costume on" but in reality to bind Helena fast inside the costume, preventing escape and causing hideous rope burn. Time well spent.
approved Dec 5 2010, submitted Oct 7 2003 by Tyrannosaurus Flex
Silent But Deadly, a popular type of fart. Whilst in retrospect volume was never inversely proportional to the actual stench produced, it was generally accepted that the silent ones were the worst, as our elaborate pantomimes after inhalation would attest. Common remarks in the immediate aftermath almost always included, "He who smelt it, dealt it" (q.v.)
Steven Jackson developed quite a penchant for getting good lungfuls of the expelled air, and giving a considered and expert opinion on the quality. We always listened to his judgement.
(The reason this has popped up again seven years on is that the involved party has asked for his friend's name to be changed. We don't think anyone should be passed up for promotion based on their deep, fruity inhalation of other men's farts. But unfortunately we do not live in an ideal world.)
approved Dec 1 2010, submitted Apr 12 2003 by Rob McMeekin
We had developed a habit of riding invisible motorcycles around the corridors of our secondary school, accompanied by sound effects. As this was done without regard for the health & safety of non-participants, the headmaster saw fit to ban the practice.

One day he had caught Kenneth Keene and James Spencer joyriding in the corridor, and was in the middle of giving them a ticking off when another 'biker' came tearing past them. The furious head shouted at Ken to go after the boy and bring him back, so Ken climbed on his imaginary bike, kickstarted it and roared off in hot pursuit.
approved Oct 19 2008, submitted Sep 2 2006 by Jon Calderbank-Roach
Daniel Sodaburgh's dad was the Ultimate Warrior, and his uncle was Hulk Hogan. They both had the Knight Rider car. Normal enough, I suppose, plenty of kids lie about what their parents do.

However, his mum was Batman. That's Bat MAN.

He was 12 when he told us this and no amount of backpedalling on his part made us forget it. Ever.
approved Oct 19 2008, submitted Jul 28 2006 by Name Withheld
During the sex education class in which all methods of contraception were explained and demonstrated, our MALE teacher squatted, knees apart, and held a diaphragm beneath his undercarriage to show all the girls just what laid in store for them. "I've never had to do it!" he joked, to which I replied "Yeah, right, sir!"

I regretted my heckle when he said "Come here, you, and be my vagina."

So, I was forced to stand before the class and make a ring with my hand, while the teacher inserted a coil between my fingers and explained its intricacies.

Sometimes I lie awake crying, just thinking about it.
approved Jul 7 2008, submitted Aug 16 2006 by Self MadeMan
I dearly regret bunking off one particular day in my 4th year. That was the day that one of the former pupils came back to school, as he'd promised, and kicked the living shit out of Mr. Burns, the short-arsed, swarthy, bullying games teacher.
Those who were there assure me that: it was "a beautiful moment", "poetry", "he had it coming", and my favourite: "he whimpered".
Not even touching Jeanie's quim for the first time was adequate compensation (Jeanie was our dog).
approved Jul 7 2008, submitted Jan 12 2006 by uncle monty
1991, and Matty was staying over at Taylor's house. Taylor's mum and dad had gone out and when they returned, Taylor's parents sent the two fourteen year olds off to bed in a perfectly normal fashion. The following day, when viewed through the inexplicable filter of rumour madness, this gradually:

Became: Taylor's mum and dad came back pissed up and sent the lads packing.
Became: Taylor's dad was drunkenly groping Taylor's mum whilst slurring 'It's OK, love, the lads are going upstairs now'.
Became: Taylor's mum and dad went into the kitchen to have it off, regardless of who was where in the house.
Became: They were so pissed up and randy, they had sex IN THE OVEN while Taylor cried.

Needless to say Matty, who was recounting the story, remained cool and aloof throughout the sordid carry-on.
approved Apr 15 2008, submitted Jul 26 2006 by Spaghetti Hoops
Easy now; it's only the quarterly fat teacher update!

Gotty Gotty has written to let us know that he
"Had a female I.T. teacher who was so fat that she once took a week off and when she came back it was revealed she'd been to have a baby.
She was so fat that nine months pregnancy was total unreadable under her vast bulk."

Rast Clat says: "Our R.E teacher, Mrs Hart, was so huge that when writing on the blackboard she would rub everything off with her huge boobies as she went, which confused her no end. She would also wear a bright yellow dress in the summer which, not only made her look like a tennis ball, but was also see-through, much to the disgust of everyone who set eyes on the massive beast."

Finally, an anonymous user wrote to say "My school must have been unique in not having any truly massive teachers. Perhaps the stairways were too weak/narrow to support them."

Er, quick question, anonymous user: do you find that people often yawn right in your fucking face, you pointless twat?
approved Mar 30 2008, submitted Jan 28 2006 by Andy Mansh
After much moaning and yelping, Dan Hobson and Angela Ward emerged from a bush looking red and uncomfortable in year six.
We rushed around them and shouted: "Did you sex?"
Angela gleefully squeaked "Yes, he put it up me", while Dan showed one of his fingers to his mates and got some of them to smell it.

Now, although we were ten years old and the closest we had got to sex was finding half a muddied page of Razzle in a tree stump, most of us still realised that Daniel should have been offering up his cock for smelling.

After accusations that they never really did it, Angela grew flustered and upon shouting "Yes we did, you can still see it", she hitched up her skirt and showed us the string of a tampax that Dan had inserted into her, apparently believing THIS was sex.

This resulted in an emergency tampon safety lesson, after a pupil told a PE teacher she needed a tampax so she could go all the way with her boyfriend after the school Christmas disco.

A few years on, Angela told me she had four of her dad's dildoes in her backpack, and that he often asked her to 'keep them warm' for him...
She also got pregnant 'in her back' in year nine, and later had a threesome in some mud with Ashley Bell and Janice Walsh, which resulted in Ashley getting dysentery.
approved Mar 30 2008, submitted Apr 2 2006 by Rachael Simpson
If you remove the ink tube in a Bic biro pen and blow through the bottom, it makes a very high pitched whistling noise.

If you do this whilst your deaf teacher's back is turned, she will think her hearing aid is broken and fiddle with the knobs on it.

What are they, volume or something? Fuck knows.
approved Mar 25 2008, submitted Apr 19 2006 by Jon Borley
Also known as "minger wings" in honour of a girl of truely gargantuan sea cow proportions in my 6th form who had HAIR on hers.
I still can't think about it without gagging a little.
Oh, and she smelled of biscuits.
Aaaand she was a lezzer. She was a big minger winged, dirty, biscuit stinking, sea cow lezzer. Oh yes.
approved Mar 25 2008, submitted Dec 14 2006 by Name Withheld
A quaint game played in the primary 5 swimming pool changing rooms.
Greg would put both legs through his swimming goggles and then pull them up to his waist, where they nestled just above his winky. This would miraculously make the face of a wizened old man (wearing goggles, of course) who had a long nose (about the length of a 9 year old's winky) and a wrinkly chin. Greg would then dance around the changing room as the rest of the class would sing a rousing chorus of
Boh-oh-ong-go JIM!
And his peppery penGUIN!".

I have to confess to being at a loss as where a peppery penguin came into the equation.

Rumors that Greg made one of the girls kiss bongo jim on the nose are unconfirmed. Ooh la la!
approved Mar 25 2008, submitted Sep 26 2005 by Rancid Niblic the IIIrd
Greengrocers used to use easily wiped off white stuff on their windows? TOMATOES could be partially redacted to TITS (the price of 50p a pound seemed reasonable, and was left alone).

If you're in a hurry, however, GRAPES - £2 can be converted in a single swipe. Although it's kind of defeating one of the key benefits if you end up paying two quid.
approved Mar 24 2008, submitted Jan 12 2007 by Ian W
And indeed he did, constantly.

He also once asked me to look behind his cupboard as he had "something special" for me. It was a turd. His turd. He proudly stated that he had done it there earlier that day as a thoughtful surprise gift for me.

I took great joy telling my friend this after she drunkenly snogged him 12 years later. She refused to confirm if he tasted of snotters.

Sigh. I KNOW. - Mansh

approved Mar 24 2008, submitted Sep 16 2006 by anonymous user
When we were at primary school, all the toilets were made by Armitage Shanks - and their name was printed with pride at the top of each urinal.

Whilst having a piss, it was imperative that you touched the "k" in "Shanks" making you The King. Of, er, going to the toilet.

However, if there was more than one person in the toilet, you could lean over to someone else's urinal and press the "g" in "Armitage" because that meant that, far from being King of doing a wee-wee, the user was gay. And you would shout 'GAYYY' just to drive the message home.

This is one of those pastimes I wouldn't really recommend continuing into adulthood.

approved Mar 24 2008, submitted Jul 29 2006 by L H
Pupil A: "Pupil B is a gay icon, you know, miss!"
Teacher: "Well, he can't help being attractive."

This was made all the worse by the fact that said teacher was the fattest cake-mountain ever to roll her merry way into our school. I mean, she once told us there might be stains on our books because she'd been eating chocolate cake while she marked them. If that isn't asking for it, what exactly is?
approved Mar 21 2008, submitted Nov 21 2005 by Bionic Sheep
What's the best thing about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian?

She'll definitely swallow.
approved Mar 21 2008, submitted Aug 3 2006 by Name Withheld
High School. Lunch.

Phil and Charlie, both retarded, are taking turns jumping on a wooden bench. Phil then flips out and jumps on the bench non-stop until the slats splinter.

Charlie shrieks and then turns to Phil: "Phillip, I told we should not play Fall Guy."

Phil turns to me and points menacingly: "Don't tell nobody I did that."

They both scamper away.
approved Feb 4 2008, submitted Apr 20 2006 by Name Withheld