The Law of the Playground
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A great way of briefly scaring the shit out of somebody, without actually doing something they can be really angry about.

Your mate is standing on a ridge / riverbank / cliff. Push him hard toward the edge, and then yank him back in one fluid movement whilst shouting "Tell yer Mam I saved your life!"

We never actually did this on a cliff, but the minging pond in the school grounds was a popular choice.

Being harder than you, the hard kids would just push you in, shouting "Tell yer Mam I couldn't be bothered!"
That pond stunk.
approved Oct 13 2007, submitted Apr 25 2006 by anonymous user
Howard tried to adopt the role of "the cute, cuddly one that the girls could confide in" but unfortunately for him, the rest of his classmates just saw him as a massive fat cunt.
approved Oct 12 2007, submitted Jun 6 2006 by George Byrne
Minus the sunlight
Minus the morning
Here in the bright light

Equally baffling was the reference to "springing, fresh from the lawn" which only added to the surreal imagery of the lyrics, perhaps referring to the blackbird who has pulled up some tasty worms.
approved Oct 12 2007, submitted Apr 25 2006 by anonymous user
I am still at school and we have a bully box. However, another flaw in this initiative is that nobody ever goes within four feet of it for fear of getting their arse kicked.
Bullies 2 Chumps 0
approved Oct 12 2007, submitted Jan 29 2007 by Name Withheld
Crap looking half red, half blue, credit card style bits of plastic that you received around the time of your sixteenth birthday.

At first these gained much kudos as a mark that you had reached maturity.

That was until 'Pikey Steve' got his, and it was decided that it had been sent by the government as a hint that at least SOMEONE in his family should go and get a fucking job.
approved Oct 7 2007, submitted Oct 27 2006 by anonymous user
A chemistry teacher of ours nicknamed "Pauncho" (who has now passed on) was so fat, he used to drive his car to the part of the school that had the photocopier in.
approved Sep 30 2007, submitted Sep 8 2005 by Eager Dad Jnr
I heard this when I was eight. OK, so it's not German. Like I care.

There's a ball of wind
It goes to your heart
It travels down your backbone
and turns into a fart.
a fart is very useful
it gives you lots of ease
it warms the bed at night time,
and suffocates the fleas.
approved Sep 30 2007, submitted Jan 29 2007 by anonymous user
Dairy Lee was the name given in primary school to Lee Stocker, because he was on milk tokens due to his family having no money.
approved Sep 30 2007, submitted Apr 27 2006 by Old Smokey
Unusually, our Barry was tall and skinny with a friendly, honest face.
He did, however, have a phenomenal nervous tic, which manifested itself through Barry squeezing his eyes tightly shut for a fraction of a second - an industrial-strength blink, if you like - and a quick shake of his head. This occurred roughly once every eight seconds; every now and again he would do two in a row. Surprisingly, nobody ever mentioned it and he blinked and shook his way happily through school.

approved Sep 30 2007, submitted Jul 29 2005 by Dale Taylor
I was the worst of five epileptics in my secondary school.
On the down side, I had the full-blown-fall-down-stop-breathing-shake-and-froth-at-the-mouth 'Grand Mal' seizures.
On the plus side, when St. Barts cracked down on jewellery, I could carry on wearing my MedicAlert bracelet.
approved Sep 24 2007, submitted Aug 2 2006 by Name Withheld
It was always suggested that you could 'tie them in a knot' (presumably for 'day'wear) and 'tie them in a bow' (for more formal occasions).
approved Sep 24 2007, submitted Jul 25 2006 by Kev G
Sounds innocent enough, but at our school the term 'sliding' was invented after Mark Myers climbed up the ladder of a playground slide, and did a shit at the top. He then pissed around the shit, causing the excretia to descend the slide like a kind of warm piss and shit log* flume.

In a vain attempt to achieve equal glory, Craig Campbell-Ace crapped onto the lower part of the slide, but only managed to produce tidy little nuggets and immediately demanded toilet paper.

Not quite the urine soaked, rock 'n' roll finish we gave Mark credit for.

*I know.
approved Sep 22 2007, submitted Jun 16 2006 by George Byrne
A bomber jacket owned by Anthony Harrison had been stolen from the changing rooms during PE and was found at the back of the field slashed up and pissed on.
As if this wasn't funny enough in itself, he came in the next day wearing the SAME JACKET, that his mum had mended and washed.
This earnt him the nickname 'Trampony'.
approved Sep 22 2007, submitted Jul 21 2006 by Mr Mouss
These days, especially amongst the urban 4x4 driving community, homemade bread will no doubt have a 'wow' factor. Children with names like 'Oliver' and 'Harvey' and fucking 'Archie' will open their lunchboxes and smugly chomp away on walnut foccacia.

But at rural schools, homemade bread was the epitomy of pikeyness. I mean, your mum can't even afford BREAD? She can barely scrape together the price of flour and yeast? AND A PINCH OF SALT?
approved Sep 22 2007, submitted Oct 25 2005 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
Even if it's not a law of nature that bullies will eventually turn out to be screaming mincers (or single mothers), it's so satisfying when it happens that you really want it to be.

Consider James Bain. A fat and extremely angry young man given to punching other kids and arguing with teachers, he was expelled from two secondary schools. Last seen working full-time in a motorway service station selling 3 Santana CDs with outlandishly gay relish.

He informed me one girl who, by the age of 24 had scored three children - one from a squaddie. Once attractive and stuck-up, now fat and given to trawling Friends Reunited, trying to strike up old non-friendships.

I think I feel justified in saying "Ha!" to the lot of them.
approved Sep 10 2007, submitted Jan 29 2007 by Gareth Winslade
Ask someone what their favourite number is, out of 8, 10, or 11.

If they say "8", make a circle with the thumb and index finger of both hands, and hold them one above the other to represent the figure 8. Then rapidly bonk the two circles together to represent lesbian sex. Numerologists agree that fans of the number 8 are dirty gay bummers.

If they say "11", extend both your index fingers and hold them next to each other to look like the number 11. Then bang the fingertips together rapidly to represent man-on-man action. Another bummer exposed.

If they say "10", extend the index finger of one hand and form a circle with the thumb and index finger of the other. Hold these up together so that it looks something like the number 10. Then put your finger through the hole to represent heterosexual intercourse. But keep your bum against the wall - the number 10 is the bummers' smokescreen.
approved Sep 9 2007, submitted Oct 9 2006 by Osiris of Egypt
As a small child, my mum insisted on drying my hair with a hair-dryer, and if my hair was clean and puffed up I'd refer to myself as "Goggins", after Mrs Goggins from Postman Pat.

About ten years later, a kid called Matthew joined our class from another school. A friend and I were asked to take him under our wing, and we soon found that Matthew had problems. He had special springy shoelaces as he couldn't tie normal ones, and he would constantly blurt out facts like "the earth expands three centimetres every day".

We tried to be kind to Matthew, but in the end we gave up in light of his fact-puking and general spazziness. And when I realised his hair style was sufficiently puffy for him to take on the mantle of "Goggins", it came to pass that the whole year, and then the whole school, knew him as "Goggins".

I like to think that one day the new "Goggins" will, as I did, retire to anonymity and choose a successor.
approved Sep 9 2007, submitted Jun 28 2006 by Arnold Henry
I know a senior academic at the British Museum who is still, at the age of 40-something, trying to convince people to call him JD in the hope that it will make him seem mean, moody and magnificent.
Rather than a spazz. Called Jeremy.
approved Sep 9 2007, submitted May 1 2006 by anonymous user
Even sadder, and slightly worrying, is that a friend of mine took the idea of 'cool nickname' slightly too literally and decided that when he was introduced to people as 'Joel', he inform them that his name was 'Cool Guy'.
approved Sep 9 2007, submitted Oct 13 2003 by Louise Jenkins
This isn't connected to the classic exam-room urban myth, but one day school gippo and twelve-year-old Aphex Twin lookalike Louis Gibbs decided that his Dr Martens were most ideally used as pencil destroying machines. Maybe they were, in some ways. But not pencils that were pointing upright. And definitely not with a stamping action.
Those pencils slid through his Dr Martens as though they were fashioned from wet toilet paper. Louis rolled around on the floor screaming after jumping off the table onto one of these pencils. When a teacher entered the classroom and saw what had happened, he asked "Are you able to pull it out?" with an obvious lack of giving a shit.
I literally get high, giddy and sick when I remember seeing less than half a pencil sticking out of the sole of his shoe. Groo.
approved Sep 3 2007, submitted Dec 4 2006 by L HG