The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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Salt'n'Shake Crisps. The victim would be held down and forced to admit they were gay. Whatever the response, the little sachet of salt would be emptied into their mouth. Quite right too.

At first glance, this might seem a less painful act of torture than the other entries for this subject. However, if one considers the pain experienced by regular recipients of this punishment in later years, due to heart attacks, strokes, osteroperosis, gastric cancer and other ailments brought on by an excessive salt intake, it can be seen to be particularly vindictive, cruel and cleverly planned with an eye for the long haul.
approved May 14 2005, submitted May 11 2005 by anonymous user, Matt Fasham
The names of special schools make for strangely credible christian names; For instance, Carlton Digby, Beck Meadows, and at a push, Swanwick Delves.

Anyone would think that the founders of these mong sanctuaries are trying to give normal schoolkids insult ammunition.

Hazel Hurst is a good one for ladies who "might be better off with a more vocational education".
approved Aug 20 2007, submitted May 10 2005 by anonymous user
At lunchtime, a banana, a large red grape, a carton of milk and a straw can be combined to fashion a most amusing sculpture, as follows:

1) Cut the tip off the banana.
2) Insert the straw through the cut tip, pointing down along the length of the banana. Push through until the banana is skewered on the straw, with about an inch protruding from the severed banana tip, and at least an inch protruding from somewhere along the length of the banana.
3) Blow down the straw to remove any banana detritus.
4) Cut the grape in half and attach one half this to the cut end of the banana by skewering it on the straw.
5) Take a mouthful of tasty milk. For Christ's sake, don't swallow.
6) Put mouth on non-graped end of straw and blow.
7) Sit back and enjoy your fellow students' hilarity at the sight of this facsimile of an ejaculating penis.
Don't try to be too clever and use oranges or plums for balls. Remember - less is often more, and you don't want to be accused of gilding the lily.
approved May 10 2005, submitted May 6 2005 by anonymous user
We had a Japanese assistant in Geography who taught us about "arse cakes". Plate tectonics have never been so pantwettingly hilarious.
approved May 5 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by anonymous user
Not how you pronounce "spasmodic", Ian Lucas.
approved May 5 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by anonymous user
Polling is very much like posting, in that it includes slamming a child's balls against something unforgiving. However, polling takes place on the top deck of a bus, and rather than having one single "post", towards which all your energies are focussed, you have around ten metal "poles". This allows for a much more chaotic sense of potentially-endless bollock agony.
  • Form a committee. Nominate a Pole Master and a Pole Greaser. All other committee members are muscle
  • Block the stairs to the lower deck. The Pole Master shouts Grease The Pole!
  • The Pole Master walks up the aisle, looking at each boy, smiling and rubbing the poles. His gaze falls upon the selected boy.
  • At the same time, the Pole Greaser has been polishing the poles with a cloth - once the child is selected, he announces The Pole Is Greased, Master
  • The selected is hoisted up, and has his bollocks slammed against the poles.
approved Jun 11 2005, submitted May 4 2005 by anonymous user
I'm 29, and my dad still uses the term 'windy poo' when talking to me about farts. Even though windy and poo are both completely innocent words, there's something innocuously horrific when your dad talks about a scirocco of shit whipping up a turdstorm from your anus.
approved May 10 2005, submitted May 3 2005 by anonymous user
Hermann Melville's always hilarious Moby Dick contains a special treat for anyone who manages to make it past the first hundred and four chapters without going mental.
A description of a successful whaling ship in chapter 105 ends: "indeed everything was filled with sperm, except the captain's pantaloons pockets, and those he reserved to thrust his hands into, in self- complacent testimony of his entire satisfaction."
And if you don't believe me, look here.
approved May 1 2005, submitted Apr 29 2005 by anonymous user
I think you mean;
I fucked your Mum
I opened up her legs and made her come
She was outstanding
Especially on the landing.
Then move onto the father, remembering that it's not gay to fuck another boy's father;
I fucked your Dad
I fucked him, sucked him, played with his gonads
I felt his power
When we were in the shower.
(Let me try! Cough - here we go...
I snogged your gran,
I mopped up her womb juices with a naan.
I fisted said womb
In her filthy bedroom
- Log)
approved May 12 2005, submitted Apr 29 2005 by anonymous user
It's a well known fact that every time you get hit in the head, you lose 10,000 brain cells.

A 1984 experiment to test the efficacy of the claim yielded conclusive proof that it is indeed true. As Sam set about repeatedly hitting precocious upstart Andrew between the eyes, Andrew replied in his excruciating matter-of-fact way "No, no Sam. You've got to hit me much harder than that."

The inevitable ensued.

approved May 9 2005, submitted Apr 28 2005 by anonymous user
jed
There was a very similar song about our amusingly incompetent Scoutmaster, also called Jed:

"Right" said Jed,
in the potting shed,
with a naked woman on his head,
with melting mars bars on her tits,
but Jed just sat there, doing shits.


This was expanded over the course of one scout camp until it had assumed Homeric proportions, but unfortunately I can only remember the first five lines.
The inspiration for this epic came from the contemporary popularity of the band 'Right Said Fred', the rumoured existence of mars bar parties (qv), and the fact that Jed was a cock. I mean, what kind of fool would just do poopy when he had a naked woman sitting on his head?
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by anonymous user
You'd have thought that poking Geoffrey in the eye with his cock would be sweet ursine revenge enough for Bungle, but no...
Bungle stuck his bum out the window
Shat in Geoffrey's eye
Geoffrey said "You bastard Bungle,
You are gonna die"
Paint...Geoffrey's...face...with...a...Big poo!".
Doof doof dodo dododoof!
Geoffrey can give it out, but he doesn't like it back! You get plus marks for the Eastenders style drums at the end, but did you not hear what Ponky said? I don't see ANY mention of Rod Jane & Freddy doing it Frenchie style here. - Mansh
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by anonymous user
Having read the above submission, I feel that the fat girl discussed has really missed out on the full playground experience:
Why, just in the last few minutes I have come up with the following:
  • Moonmin-troll (a variation on the building blocks already provided)
  • Rentaghost
  • The New Shmoo
  • The Phantom
  • Snow White
  • Gippo - (if she went to our school and lived at Springfield Road)
Please pass these comments onto her her, not forgetting to steal her lunch money, and give her a punch in her pasty fat stupid tits.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by anonymous user
An alternative answer is "syphillis".
approved Apr 26 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by anonymous user
"Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky features a hen party novelty biscuit destined to scare children. Let it not be said that the Russians are a dour and humourless lot.
'Just fancy, Rodion Romanovitch, we found a gingerbread cock in his pocket. He was coming home dead drunk, but he did not forget the children.'

'A cock? Did you say a cock?' the gentleman from the commissariat cried.
Should your English class wish to recreate this scene, may we humbly suggest the fantastically named Masturbakers as a possible source of phallic fingerfoods? Alternatively, if you bite the arms off a classic gingerbread man, the results will be more than sufficient to cause aunties everywhere to blush.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 25 2005 by anonymous user, Phil Glansvile
Would you feel like a dick if you walked into a gay bar?

Yes: Then you want some big gay cock.
No: Then you admit that you would feel right at home. And therefore want some big gay cock while you're there.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted Feb 7 2005 by anonymous user
Teacher training notes. Pigs liver dissection:

Don't warn your class at the beginning of the lesson to ensure they do not leave any bits of liver lying around due to the stench it makes when it rots. They will simply spend the entire lesson cutting the liver up and hiding it around the classroom and in peoples' pencil cases.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Feb 5 2005 by anonymous user
From "The Thirty Nine Steps" by John Buchan: "They were all on me at once, and the policeman took me in the rear. I got in one or two good blows, for I think, with fair play, I could have licked the lot of them, but the policeman pinned me behind, and one of them got his fingers on my throat."
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Feb 2 2005 by anonymous user
This is what our African geography teacher seemed to be saying when he was trying to tell us about ox-bow lakes.
He may have mistaken our keenness for actual interest in the subject. However, all we really wanted to hear was a teacher saying 'ox bollocks' over and over again.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Jan 31 2005 by anonymous user
Contrary to what Log says, I live in Derbyshire and have never once fucked a cow, a tree or my sister. And neither have my friends.
Just so we don't all get a reputation as incestuous, bestial hippies.
Don't think the fact you missed out sheep in your list of things you haven't fucked didn't go unnoticed. For you, Mrs Ramsbottom isn't a person, it's the fact you were too pissed on Tennant's Super to get it in the hole. Nottingham wins Derby! - Log
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Jan 30 2005 by anonymous user