The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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Sounding uncannily like 'mega hurts', when used in questions, can cause physics-minded kids to unwittingly consent to a solid beating.
What's that, Spod? You want 10,000 Mega Hurts? Well, OK, but it's going to be painful...
Simon, can you help me with something that's been bothering me? I was just wondering what you call a thousandth of a mega hurts. [receives answer] He says he wants a killer hurts, Stephen. Would you be so kind?
Before you look them all up, the only other ones that kinda work are "terror hurts", but that's a bit rubbish because you'd have to pull a scary face while you're punching, and "fem two hurts", which is tenuously useful if you're punching two lady's tits.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Nov 21 2004 by anonymous user
Q: How do you kill 100 flies with one blow?
A: Punch an Ethiopian.
(6/10, Good twist on the Jack the Giant Killer fable of "seven in one blow")

Q: How did the Grand Canyon Form?
A: An Ethiopian went on holiday dropped a pea down a rabbit hole.
(3/10, if just one Ethiopian went on holiday, there'd hardly be a canyon-forming rush to get the pea, would there? I mean, Americans wouldn't get out of bed for anything smaller than a gigantic pea pie.)

approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Nov 8 2004 by anonymous user
Any sentence beginning with "I said" can be adjusted, with only minor tinkering, to sound like "Arsehead". This is, of course, funny. Arsehead!
However, if your friend doesn't quite hear you saying "four quid", a golden window opens, and you can say "arsehead fuckwit". This is such a rare occurence, that you should celebrate by running around your victim six times, pulling an imaginary trucker's chain, and going "HOOOONK".
approved Apr 14 2005, submitted Nov 3 2004 by anonymous user
Arnold Hill, Nottingham; Mr Bunting was a PE teacher with a triple whammy of lampoonable afflictions; a monobrow, a lisp and a spazzy finger. His song went, to the tune of Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye;
Bunting's Eyebrows,
Bent Finger,
Bunting-baiting had a brief renaissance when we overheard someone with a Japanese accent pronounce his name "Mr Bum King".
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Nov 2 2004 by anonymous user
Dan, Tony and Esa are talking inferior grade gobshit. It is self-evident and unarguable that the term for semen-based anal drippage is, of course, Pugwash.
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
Alan West is an easy anagram of Anal Stew, if you're lucky enough to know an Alan West.
approved Feb 11 2005, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
A: [puts 2 tips of index fingers together] "Cut the wire."
B: [separates the "wires" with his index finger]
A: "Your bum's on fire."
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Oct 24 2004 by anonymous user
At a school we used to play rugby against, one of the P.E. staff who refereed our games was so fat that he had to referee the entire game from the half way line.
Additionally, if he was knocked down he couldn't get up again. He'd thrash about briefly, like some gargantuan speaking tortoise enjoying a mudbath, before blowing the whistle and asking, plaintively, "help me boys, I can't get up".
(How can I get out of the mud? I know! I'll eat my way out! scronfscronfscronfscronfscronf! Oh no, I've eaten the entire mantle of the Earth! Why oh why was I cursed with my bigbones?)
approved Oct 21 2004, submitted Oct 15 2004 by anonymous user
A toy that - if you weren't educationally subnormal - would be snatched from you and confiscated, with an unsympathetic order to "grow up".
You are only allowed a mong dolly if a) you are a mong, and b) you're willing to cry for six hours if anyone so much as touches it.
approved Oct 26 2004, submitted Oct 14 2004 by anonymous user
The canonical response to claims of 'Skill Magill' was, of course, 'Luck McFuck'
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Oct 14 2004 by anonymous user
Our fat teacher at primary school was Mrs Caligeerus. A name slightly too convoluted for some of our immature mouths leading to her being called Mrs Crocodile. Which might have been a pretty good insult, if we were Bengali.
(How does that relate to her behemothic monolithicness? More fatties please.)
approved Oct 14 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by anonymous user
Dewy Gibbon, the dedicated onanist, ended up in the same class as me at sixth form college. In a unilateral bonding session, he decided to tell me more of his one-man sexploits.
He told me that he enjoyed wanking wearing a condom, as it was 'practice for the real thing'. But you had to be careful, as johnnies didn't always flush away down the loo.
His dad once found one of Dewy's spunk filled rubbers floating in the bog, and to spare his son's blushes, he fished it and put it in the bin.
Unfortunately, Dewy's mum then found it and demanded of her husband an explanation. To save his own skin, Dewy's dad grassed him up and Dewy had to face his parents, and explain that he wasn't having sex, but just poshing it around the house at every possible opportunity.
But it doesn't end there. It should, but it doesn't. Dewy went on to say that we couldn't be sure that he hadn't left floating johnnies in his grandmother's house.
I don't know what's more disturbing;
- an old woman poking at a floating, spunky sheath
- the fact that Dewy, on hearing that he was going to visit his grandmother, had grabbed a condom and said "this calls for a wank!"
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by anonymous user
It may be mostly boys who shit everywhere, but we had a phantom tampon and sani pad spreader. This might have been one girl, two highly specialised competitors, or a boy trying to frame all womanhood, which would quite frankly be typical.
This is particularly unpleasant if you leave them in the middle of the playground in summer, and your school is in Mombasa. Where mine was.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by anonymous user
The rallying cry of dedicated onanist Dewy Gibbon, as he attempted to initiate a group wanking session. Dewy Gibbon was - unsurprisingly - the most unpopular and bullied kid in the school.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by anonymous user
Mr Bright taught commerce. He taught it with such a passion that spit would fly out of his mouth.
This was bad enough, but when he was using an overhead projector, the very considerable amount of spit that landed on the sheets was magnified, heated, and projected onto the wall.
It was the saliva equivalent of shitting onto a glass-topped coffee table, but with thirty children sitting underneath.
approved Apr 15 2006, submitted Oct 12 2004 by anonymous user
The older of us remember that aiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee! is actually the noise made in the ace Commando books by the evil scheming Germans as they got utterly shot by the square-jawed Brits. The only other words the Germans uttered were 'Actung Spitfeur', 'Hande Hoche', 'Englander Schwein' and 'Gott in Himmel'.
That Germans made such a vowel-heavy nasal whine in their death throes made them big wet pansies. A stout Englishman dying in the field would bellow "WHOOAARGGGHH". In days of heavier casualties, it was like being trapped in the Brian Blessed dimension.

(Further discussion here. Good grief. - Log)
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted May 15 2004 by anonymous user
Michael Michael Motorcycle,
Turn the key and watch him pee.

The stock schoolyard chant for when you wanted to torment someone by the name of Michael for no other reason than the fact that his name was Michael.
Other popular variants include "John John Leprechaun", who also did a pee when you turned a key.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted May 1 2004 by anonymous user
Cribbage is a disease that causes the sufferer to freeze in a comedy pose. If, during a conversation with your friend, his fists raise to his face and press his cheeks into his eyes, it is polite to ask "ooh, nasty cribbage there?", then carry on talking.
It was funny for exactly one and a half days, by which time we'd run out of comedy poses.
approved Oct 1 2004, submitted Apr 29 2004 by anonymous user
The sullen statement that came, seemingly out of nowhere, by Andy, after we'd been laughing at the suicide of our French teacher's wife for 15 minutes, including a detailed reenactment of him discovering the body.
We're still not sure what Andy was getting at.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user
Jonathan fell from the climbing rope in Primary School PE, and landed directly astride the balance beam. This had exploded one of his balls like a water balloon.
Attempts by him to disprove the rumour by stretching his scrotum for all to see, showing a clear 2-ball outline, led to accusations that he was pressing out one of the bumps with his finger.
But, eventually, we had to accept that he did have a second ball. A plastic second ball.
Whatever, it didn't affect his virility as he managed to get Angela Smithers up the duff before his fifteenth birthday.
approved Apr 15 2006, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user