The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
anonymous user
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In days of old,
When men were bold,
And women weren't invented.
They drilled big holes in telegraph poles,
and walked away contented.
I think the implication is that they fucked the hole in the telegraph pole. Otherwise it's a pretty weird way to get your kicks, drilling holes in telegraph poles then walking off.
For those of you who didn't know that women were invented after telegraph poles, here is the first ever telegraph conversation.
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user
Any thrill which causes adolescent excitement is a cheapy. You "get your cheapies" by becoming embarrassingly over-excited at any mention of sex, violence, snuff movies, girls pants etc.

Used pejoratively as a self-regulating disciplinary mechanism amongst groups of teenage boys:
"Eugh! Smiffy's getting his cheapies"
approved Aug 15 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user
Babb listened to Radio 4 and collected stamps. Despite this, his fate was only sealed the day he missed the bus on the sixth form university open-day trip.
Instead of running, or walking off swearing, Babb, chose to skip contentedly behind the bus. He only fucking skipped. For long enough for everyone to see.
Subsequently, when you had a conversation with him, there were people queuing up to do a Babb behind his back. From that day, Babb was cursed to never have another conversation with anyone who wasn't laughing at something that wasn't quite him.
approved Jun 19 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user
astounding and surreal compound obscenity exclaimed by James "Lucy" Lockwood during a game of Wembley.
approved Apr 24 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user
On a similar line, the signs reading "Please mind your head" on our local trains, reminding travellers to watch out for the overhead luggage racks, were easily and often changed to "Fleas in your head".
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Apr 20 2004 by anonymous user
In the Fifth Form, rumour had it that somebody on my street had indulged in some heavy 'bottom canoodling' with Sandra.
Thereafter, she was only ever referred to as Sweetcorn Sandra, as it became widely known that upon extraction, he discovered that a piece of sweetcorn had become lodged in his Japs-eye.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Apr 18 2004 by anonymous user
I know! Lets' get the dog to lick our cocks!
[pause as we tried to work out if he was joking]
Brilliant idea! That'd be amazing! You go first!
[he wasn't joking]
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Apr 18 2004 by anonymous user
Gerrunder - a regional pronunciation of "get under", as shouted by Pamela Tatler throughout her entire fourth year.
She once made a teacher so frustrated by her persistent one-word outbursts that he picked up her, her chair and her desk in one scooping movement, and put her outside the class.
After he deposited her outside the door and returned to the class, everyone went quiet. The calm was punctuated by a plaintive question from outside;
"Gerrunder?"
This was an innovation; she'd never punctuated her gerrunders before, and a new range of Gerrunder Moods was born.
approved Aug 23 2005, submitted Apr 18 2004 by anonymous user
I was told I should be a photographer's assistant. I'm now a teacher, and took the test again, to see if my results would be changed by world experience, and a more profound insight into the workings of the program.
Nope. Photographer's assistant.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Apr 18 2004 by anonymous user
So, you've been taken to see some Shakespeare play, and whilst you're trying to be polite and enjoy the thing as best you can, given that it's all in Stupidish. But there's your fucking English Teacher next to you, guffawing too fucking loud at every damn joke and pun.
Watch the actors closely - you can see the spear carriers mouthing 'wanker' at each other.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Apr 18 2004 by anonymous user
We asked "were you born with happiness or a fat knee?"

The assumption is that these are mutually exclusive conditions, but I've met many cheerful chubby people, and they can't all have been hermaphrodites. Could they?

approved Apr 16 2004, submitted Apr 14 2004 by anonymous user
Believe it or not, and I suspect you won't, we had a living Batty Book title in our year. His condition? He was deaf. His name? Ian Kinnear. No he can't. God how we laughed.
approved Oct 11 2004, submitted Mar 29 2004 by anonymous user
Good God. I am reminded of a time when the pure energy of class 2B's non-sexual anal-train managed to shunt the teachers desk (large, wooden, full of useless educational pamphlets) from one end of the classroom to the other in a shockingly innocent congo bum line.
Hindsight is not helpful in this instance. It is still unfathomable. Unless, of course, you posit that we were all terrible little homos.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Mar 24 2004 by anonymous user
What fun it must have been to write your name in shit on the toilet wall of infant school! And yet how sad that you spelled it "bean" instead of "dean".
approved Apr 1 2004, submitted Mar 24 2004 by anonymous user
I had the following question on a philosophy degree finals paper: "Could you have done anything other than answer this question?"

Being a philosophy student, I'd spent all my time drinking red wine and wearing berets in a fug of existential despair instead of doing any actual work, so to this day I have no idea whether I answered it or not.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted Mar 22 2004 by anonymous user
Well - you had to be sure.
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Mar 19 2004 by anonymous user
It's barleys, you arse turds - anonymous
It's called "ecksies", because you cross your fingers. Like an X, you see? - Jimmy Disco T
For thousands of of us in the north-east it was "skinch" - Spuddy
Shut up, it's "SCRIBS!" - Lou Watson
It's "paxies". From the latin for peace. You flimsy jizzrags. - Jimbob N
And with that, NO MORE ENTRIES FOR FEIGHKNIGHTS.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Mar 15 2004 by anonymous user
At the time of the Teenage Mutant "Hero" Turtles (Psst, the BBC - we all called them Ninja Turtles anyway, you dicks), a variant of tag where instead of being it, you were 'Sexy Splinter'.



This is a photo of Splinter. Sexy Splinter. Phwoar. Splinter.
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Mar 15 2004 by anonymous user
June 1987. Sports day. The fifth form 100m final contestants line up on the start line. Among them, Peter Bliss - wearing size 12 rugby boots, tatty grey baggy cloth shorts, a too-small t-shirt died pink in the wash and his trademark NHS glasses.

And they're off.

Ten kids hurtle down the track encouraged by the shouts of 500 kids and adults. But - within a few seconds, the noise falters, withers, then dies completely. Apart from a faint "phut phut phut phut phut".

Peter Bliss, with a furious look of red-faced determination etched on his spotty mug, is running faster than all the other competitors. He just isn't running in the right direction. Nobody's watching the race any more; all eyes are on Peter as he runs straight through the crowd of kids and shellshocked parents, and straight across the empty playground behind.

He runs straight into the toilets. With a big pile of shit tumbling out the back of his shorts.

It doesn't stay quiet for very long.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Mar 11 2004 by anonymous user
An unpopular teacher walks into the classroom at the start of the lesson to find, written in large letters on the whiteboard, the phrase
With facts used clearly marked, try to uncover better instances of heresy.
Assuming that it was left over from the previous lesson, she will reach for the board rubber and begin to erase the quote... only to discover that certain "choice" letters have been written in permanent marker, leaving
     f     u    c          k      y  o u       b      i  t  c      h     .
Cue hilarity.
approved Mar 9 2004, submitted Mar 9 2004 by anonymous user