The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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Our class Barry had Barry as a surname, rather than a first name. He compensated for this in two ways:

(1) He only had three fingers on his left hand. In order to avoid drawing attention to this he would keep it in his pocket at all times. No only did this not work at all, it also earned him his first nickname, The Hooded Claw.

(2) Once, whoever wrote the day's roll had terrible writing, while the supply teacher who read it obviously didn't know the names of anyone in the class, and thus spent a good ten minutes attempting to track down someone called "Batsy". This immediately became his second nickname.
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by anonymous user
There is a global game of cock smack going on right now, and if you have a cock, you're playing. To initiate a round of cock smack, you must first warn your target with the phrase "you know the rules - cover your jewels". For obvious reasons, the warning phrase is often shortened to "Yehnehtheruhcuhyuhjuz". Then, smack them in the cock.

Smacks range from the full cock-punch, to the more advanced and surprisingly debilitating bell flick.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by anonymous user
When you see an ugly, fat, or disabled person on the street, you may allocate them to your friend by pointing them out and saying "Yours". The more ugly, fat or disabled they are, the better the yours.

Log says:
There are ways around this, for the person in receipt of the ugly, fat or disabled person. First, look for any attractive people nearby, and pretend they meant him. "What, the nude man with big brown nips? Thanks!"

If they try to correct you, acknowledge the intended target, look academic for a moment, and say "no, you can't mean him - he's legally yours". If there is no attractive person, simply front it out with "yeah, and he's got a massive cock, I love it".
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by anonymous user
Skill meant two things at our school - African Bum Disease, or Penguin Poo. At a class reunion, I imagine many of us would agree that this was a useful introduction to the fluid and essentially subjective nature of language.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by anonymous user
A question for Mr Wilson. Did you really think it was a good idea to leave teaching in order to pursue a career as a plain-clothes store detective? WH Smith must have lost more money than usual, as hordes of your ex-pupils descended upon the shop en masse to grab handfuls of booty, often to wave it triumphantly at you before fleeing, leaving you open mouthed and crestfallen.
I only hope you are happier now in your role as proprietor of the local "Mr Minit" key cutting and shoe repair emporium.

Over to you, Mr Wilson. No, it was a Yale, you twit. That's a shoe. - Matt
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Feb 5 2007 by anonymous user
I heard this when I was eight. OK, so it's not German. Like I care.

There's a ball of wind
It goes to your heart
It travels down your backbone
and turns into a fart.
a fart is very useful
it gives you lots of ease
it warms the bed at night time,
and suffocates the fleas.
approved Sep 30 2007, submitted Jan 29 2007 by anonymous user
We've been sent LITERALLY er...four pieces of celebrity shit writing. So watch out kids, here they come!

Here I sit smart and artful,
paid fuck all and dropped a cartful.


Robert Burns, the mens lavvy, Barnton Bar & Bistro, Stirling.

They fuck you up, sex pests at school.
They may mean to, and they do.
They split your arse without KY,
And give you shitty cock to chew.


Phillip Larkin again, undisclosed locale.

Here I sit in stinky vapour
Cause someone stole the toilet paper
Should I stay, should I linger
I will be forced to use my finger


Joe Strummer, spotted Helena College, 2005

And finally...
I come here to done a piss,
I dunno what they do in India probably sqot on the floor or sumfink.
Wicked.


Jade Goody, Bermondsey Special School, 2004
approved May 25 2007, submitted Jan 26 2007 by anonymous user
A grille-covered drain that was the terminus of a large-diameter grey plastic pipe outside the staff room.

Completely innocuous and unlikely to cause harm or even dirty your shoes, but having been given the nickname, being shoved into that deadly zone by an opportunistic fellow pupil would earn the unsuspecting victim many hours of bewildering taunting for having breached the "Poo Pot".

Possibly speculated to be the source of the "fleas" that everyone was so terrified of inheriting by any kind of glancing contact with the wrong sort of person (girls).
approved Aug 30 2007, submitted Jan 10 2007 by anonymous user
I remember Stan, and have fond memories of being picked on for his "demonstrations" where he proceded to either half dislocate my shoulder or near snap my neck. I'm sure he claimed to have killed a crocodile once.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Jan 4 2007 by anonymous user
We had a Mr. Emerson, who taught maths and physics.

The look on his face while he was using a calculator was something which his entire class shall carry to our graves. Yknow how the stereotypcial paedo leers at young children? He did that to calculators.
approved Feb 4 2008, submitted Jan 4 2007 by anonymous user
When I was 14 our school caretaker offered to take me and a few of my friends on holiday to his caravan in Wales.

To show us what a fun time we would have, he produced photos of previous under-age female pupils sunbathing in bikinis, or having water fights in tight white t-shirts.

My mum never did let me go. Selfish cow.
approved May 27 2007, submitted Jan 3 2007 by anonymous user
'I come here to rub my balls/And read the writing on the walls'

Philip Larkin, Finchley Catholic High, 1962
approved Jan 17 2007, submitted Dec 21 2006 by anonymous user
Approximate French translation of BURRRRN!. Used when someone is insulted en franais, as here:

Madame: Deuce, quest-ce que Pre Nol va te donner pour Nol?
Deuce: Une voiture.
Madame: Ha. Bon chance.
Jacques: BRUL!!

Also useful when, during a project on French cooking, Charles actually does burn himself on a bowl of hot shrimp.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Dec 20 2006 by anonymous user
Not one but TWO space penises. Truly our cup runneth over. Thanks to Darren and Anonymous for these.

Yarm School, Teeside:


Bellemoor School, Southampton:
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Dec 15 2006 by anonymous user, Darren Lamb
A list of rules on a nearby public Pool Area (including one about 'trespass') was unwisely constructed with those little stick-on letters that are pleasantly easy to peel off. This allowed the creation of the line, "NO ASS IN THE POO AREA". Sadly, a new sign was eventually put up, minus the stick-on letters.

Also nearby was a sign in front of an ice-cream shop advertising 'Buttercream Milkshakes'. The 'er' was stolen from that sign about four times within the space of one day before the store just got rid of it. I had to admire their persistence.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Nov 8 2006 by anonymous user
I'm sure everyone who had been forced to learn Latin at my school knew that they had free reign to scream "Fac id!" and then be left to try to explain to a teacher how actually they were demonstrating their dedication to their schoolwork by practicing irregular imperitives in their spare time.
approved Jan 2 2007, submitted Nov 6 2006 by anonymous user
A chap at my school (now training to be a circus ringmaster) went all-out to establish a reputation as the school weirdo. His antics included:

1. Performing impromtu hygiene services where he'd run up behind you, whip out a toothbrush and clean your teeth for as long as it took you to shake him off. All the while, he'd croon "I'm a doctor" in an American accent.

2. Putting his penis (which he'd named "Eugene") in a bap and parading around.

3. Producing a dead crow from his pants in an English lesson.

4. Being employed as a mercenary to kick people up the arse because it was highly likely he'd be in trouble at the end of the day anyway.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Oct 31 2006 by anonymous user
Crap looking half red, half blue, credit card style bits of plastic that you received around the time of your sixteenth birthday.

At first these gained much kudos as a mark that you had reached maturity.

That was until 'Pikey Steve' got his, and it was decided that it had been sent by the government as a hint that at least SOMEONE in his family should go and get a fucking job.
approved Oct 7 2007, submitted Oct 27 2006 by anonymous user
A universally popular game at my elementary school.

1. A girl shouts "neener-neener-neener" at a boy and then runs away.
2. The boy chases the girl until he catches up with her.
3. The girl beats the boy up.

If a boy does not give chase, that means he wants to cut straight to the beating. It is considered polite to oblige his unspoken wish.

Surprisingly, boys usually played this game enthusiastically and frequently. It lasted for the entire two years I attended the school, with no reaction but bemusement from the teachers at the sight of five-year-old boys happily being kicked repeatedly by girls until they fell over.
approved Oct 28 2006, submitted Oct 19 2006 by anonymous user
Ms Williams and Ms Woozley are both correct. Geordie Racer was one of the classic stories in the "Look and Read" series. The genius BBC marketing department obviously saw the opportunities in the TV/gaming tie-in and developed a rubbish 4-colour blocky graphics spin-off game for the BBC computer.

The game can be downloaded here, along with other big name titles such as Suburban Fox and Martello Tower. No sign of Granny's Garden, unfortunately.

approved Oct 23 2007, submitted Oct 4 2006 by anonymous user