The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
anonymous user
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I snuck into the older boys' toilets halfway through my first year at primary school and one of the things I did while I was in there was eat a urinal cake. Not because I thought it was a marshmallow, but because I thought that eating it would grant me the strength of all the older boys who had pissed in the urinal. This, I reasoned,would make me a superhero and bestow upon me the power to destroy all my enemies.
approved Jun 23 2007, submitted Sep 23 2006 by anonymous user
A planet discovered by William Herschel on March 13, 1781, and named 'Uranus' by him, for a laugh. An absolute comedy staple of geography lessons, and by far the funniest of all the planets. Examples of usage include:
"Miss! Last night I looked through a telescope and I could see Uranus!"
"Miss! I know Saturn has rings, but what about the ring of Uranus?"
"Miss! Is Uranus part of a constellation? Is it Great Bare or is it the Big Dipper?"
Recently, teachers have tried to convince us that it is pronounced 'Err-en-us', but their efforts are likely to be thwarted by the announcement that planet 'X' is to be officially recognised, and re-named 'Stinkycornhole'.
approved Sep 23 2006, submitted Sep 22 2006 by anonymous user, Andy Mansh
Mr Winklemann, our German teacher, loves ducks.
Sensing mickey-taking, he once put a student into detention when he went up to him and told him (in German, mind) that he too 'liked ducks'.
He has a pet duck, and once said that the TV show, Inspector Rex, would be better, and worth watching, if his duck was in it.
approved Sep 23 2006, submitted Sep 22 2006 by anonymous user
The comeback to this is, of course, "So you shit in your hand, then?"
approved Nov 11 2006, submitted Sep 19 2006 by anonymous user
And indeed he did, constantly.

He also once asked me to look behind his cupboard as he had "something special" for me. It was a turd. His turd. He proudly stated that he had done it there earlier that day as a thoughtful surprise gift for me.

I took great joy telling my friend this after she drunkenly snogged him 12 years later. She refused to confirm if he tasted of snotters.

Sigh. I KNOW. - Mansh

approved Mar 24 2008, submitted Sep 16 2006 by anonymous user
Kevin Holcombe painted his 12-inch ruler with a fresh coat of Tipp Ex during every lesson for a whole school year, eventually achieving what can only be described as a diamond-hard block of solid Tipp Ex, and the most sought-after weapon in ages.
approved Sep 19 2006, submitted Sep 9 2006 by anonymous user
The brilliantly misguided defense used by a contemptible shit in my year by the name of Ben Wilbur, when encircled by a group of 12-year olds, doubtless virgins themselves, mocking him for not ever getting his oats.
He was roundly hated before he revealed he'd spaffed in his sister, but after that bullying efforts were trebled on the irritating twat (he used to get in your face and make a noise like Snarf out of the Thundercars, the cunt), culminating in the most astonishing display of mass youthful brutality I've ever seen, nay, been party to. To win some friends, he climbed onto the school roof one lunchtime to retrieve a football. Seeing him up there, prancing round like a cock, made some sort of collective tolerance get breached, and suddenly the hapless wank was bombarded with rocks even the fucking prefects were joining in, loner girls who'd never been heard to speak were fucking pelting the git and baying for blood. Mad, sad, and a little frightening. The whole school got bollocked immediately after lunch in the only emergency assembly we'd ever had, with Ben getting carted off in an ambulace.
approved Sep 2 2006, submitted Aug 23 2006 by anonymous user
One day Tez came into school with a rhyme his mate from another school taught him:

In the German nick
They hang you by your dick
And the bats play snooker with your balls.
Then your mind goes blank
And you're dying for a wank
And the cum goes shooting up the walls.


This rhyme proved to be so popular that by the end of the first lesson, the whole class were singing it. The only problem was, I didn't actually know what cum was. Eventually I asked Tez who laughed in my face and told the rest of the class who also all laughed at me. I still reckon none of them knew what it was either. Bastards.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Aug 10 2006 by anonymous user
My 'finger friend' was the Half-Blind Raccoon. He was created by painting your thumbnail black and adding half a black raccoon mask to your middle finger. Then you would place the black nail over the missing half of the mask and wiggle your fingers. It was obligatory to yell 'half-blind raccoon' whilst shoving it in a nearby classmates face.
Try as I might, I can't visualise how on God's Earth this works. If anyone wants to send in a photo, please be my guest. - Matt
approved Aug 6 2006, submitted Aug 4 2006 by anonymous user
The name of the company I made business cards for in year 8. They claimed to cater for "all your hamster's sexual needs". Run from 10 Downing "dtreet".
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Aug 3 2006 by anonymous user
It seems that Dunc Cameron's entry about the DJ button has sparked a wave of nostalgia amongst our contributors. Here are just a few (all) of the many (some) we received.
The DJ button is indeed the finest thing ever put on a keyboard. Our Music lessons were a doss at the best of times, but the day we discovered the uses of the DJ button was like finding the Holy Grail.
This culminated in a couple of lads using the moaning sounds to recreate a porn soundtrack. All it really needed was the kid next to them playing a bit of 70s funk guitar, and if you shut your eyes, it'd have been perfect.
(Anonymous user)

The DJ button also infuriated our teacher. When asked to go away and write a composition, those with the new Yamaha keyboards would invariably come back with a mishmash of orgasmic moans, "DJ!" and "Dictionary" (another function). We were eventually banned from using that key.
(Nicky w)

Pressing a certain combination of keys under the DJ setting can produce the phrase "COME ON! YO! MOM!". Which is, frankly, class.
(Andrew Barnes)

I remember that you could push the keys in a certain order to make it cry out "DJ! Push the- dic- dic- dic- OH YEAH- One more time!"
(Bionic Sheep)

And lastly...
I'm still at school, and I'd like to say that making a Yamaha keyboard say "Lesbian!" on the DJ function for an hour every Monday morning brings immense happiness, as well as bragging rights.
(Anonymous user)

So there you have it. The DJ button is OFFICIALLY the best button ever. Not even the off switch on Jimmy Carr's life support machine comes close. - Matt
approved Aug 29 2006, submitted Jul 29 2006 by Bionic Sheep, anonymous user, Nicky w, Andrew Barnes
As a child, this one-line song was performed every time I had finished a number two, prompting my father to come into the bathroom and wipe my arse. This is normal for small children, of course, but I got used to this luxury and opted-out of doing the deed myself probably for longer than I should have.
Eventually my patient father encouraged me to get on in life, fend for myself and embrace the defecation related hygiene that came with it. In time, I had almost forgotten about my brown jingle.
That was until I reached comprehensive. I'll never forget the mix of shame and fear I felt hearing my older brother and his gang of rough bully-boys yelling 'Da-dee I have Fi-niiiiiished' across a packed playground on my first day.
approved Jul 22 2006, submitted Jul 20 2006 by anonymous user
Unfortunate sounding contraction of Andrew Peacock. Also see his older brothers Chris and James. The last one never really worked.
approved Jul 23 2006, submitted Jul 13 2006 by anonymous user
It all began when someone tried to kick a football and their shoe came off. From there, it was natural progression to see who could flick their shoe the furthest, and then why not start a fight with shoes?
It all ended when a shoe went through a window and the culprit was immediately identified as the kid with only one shoe on.
approved Dec 1 2006, submitted Jul 6 2006 by anonymous user
The most potent tool of any troublemaker in German lessons was the swastika. Our tools were a particular kind of felt tipped pen, and a 50p coin. These pens, with slow-drying ink, were used to draw a reverse swastika on the 50pence piece. Then, after finding a gullible victim, you would tell them that it was possible to test their intelligence by pressing a coin to their forehead and timing how long it took for it to fall off. If executed in a timely manner, the victim would be completely unaware that they were spending the lesson a la Charles Manson with a fucking great swastika displayed proudly on their face.
approved Jul 17 2006, submitted Jun 30 2006 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
An interminable staple of Geography education in UK schools. Many, many hours are devoted to the study of these fascinating geological features.
Since leaving school, no-one has ever, under any circumstances, needed to know what the fuck an oxbow lake is, or how it is formed.
approved Jul 4 2006, submitted Jun 28 2006 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
We actually had a game called 'Skids' at our (no surprise) all-boys school. The aim was to produce the most impressive skid marks in your pants. Anyone actually shitting themselves would immediately lose...
...though now that I come to write this down, it's quite clear that we were all losers. Losers with shitty underwear.
approved Sep 22 2006, submitted Jun 5 2006 by anonymous user
It's not Bard, it's Bart, you pig ignorant plume de ma tante. See me.
approved Jun 25 2006, submitted May 30 2006 by anonymous user
A game devised at primary school which entailed standing on a step and making a fart noise, then jumping off. So simple but so much fun.
approved Jun 24 2006, submitted May 19 2006 by anonymous user
This is because you are a fucking wanker

Ladies and gentlemen... Oscar Wilde has left the building. - Ponky
approved May 18 2006, submitted May 17 2006 by anonymous user