The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
anonymous user
Search LOTP
Law of the Playground Uncovered: By way of a response to someone who asked recently how the approval process works, here we've included an editorial conversation regarding this submission. See? We genuinely do care, and we rigorously look at entries from all the angles before approving them.

Jesus, you people... I submitted this Stop 'n' Grow entry about six months ago, and can assure you I did not do so under "Welly full of water fleas". Maybe the people directing traffic on this site are the same mongs who cack-handedly sub-edited my original submission and made me sound like a trans-Atlantic cross between Dirty Harry ("rookie mistake" - wtf??) and a Viz character. Cunts. Simon M.

Matt: Conor, he's talking to YOU.
Conor: What a cunt! He should be fucking grateful we even looked at his shitty spack-handed entry and turned it into something halfway readable. Shall I approve this or just delete it?
Matt: You could put a news article on the front page that says "Simon M is a CUNT".
Mansh: Hey you guys - chill out! Can't we just all get along?
Ponky: Up your bottom, Grandad.
Log: I like lucozade
Phil: Get off me. Just get OFF me.
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted May 15 2006 by anonymous user
I know a senior academic at the British Museum who is still, at the age of 40-something, trying to convince people to call him JD in the hope that it will make him seem mean, moody and magnificent.
Rather than a spazz. Called Jeremy.
approved Sep 9 2007, submitted May 1 2006 by anonymous user
Q - What do you find up an Ethiopian's bum?
A - Spoon marks.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Apr 27 2006 by anonymous user
Minus the sunlight
Minus the morning
Here in the bright light

Equally baffling was the reference to "springing, fresh from the lawn" which only added to the surreal imagery of the lyrics, perhaps referring to the blackbird who has pulled up some tasty worms.
approved Oct 12 2007, submitted Apr 25 2006 by anonymous user
A great way of briefly scaring the shit out of somebody, without actually doing something they can be really angry about.

Your mate is standing on a ridge / riverbank / cliff. Push him hard toward the edge, and then yank him back in one fluid movement whilst shouting "Tell yer Mam I saved your life!"

We never actually did this on a cliff, but the minging pond in the school grounds was a popular choice.

Being harder than you, the hard kids would just push you in, shouting "Tell yer Mam I couldn't be bothered!"
That pond stunk.
approved Oct 13 2007, submitted Apr 25 2006 by anonymous user
Two interesting things about overhead projectors:

1) They get pretty hot.
2) Inside one is the last place your teacher will think of looking when trying to trace the smell of hot, week-old rotting kipper.

In retrospect, this is best used in someone else's form room.
approved Apr 14 2006, submitted Apr 11 2006 by anonymous user
I'm 'monoballed' and am pretty certain that I've shagged far more attractive women than you. Shame.

approved Jun 23 2007, submitted Apr 10 2006 by anonymous user
We had a fucking huge dinner lady if that counts, nicknamed 'Sweaty Betty'. She was gargantuan - legs like melted candles and a six part tit/gut shape defined by her huge bra and unfeasably massive undercrackers - all packaged of course in bright highly flowered curtains that doubled as a dress. We found her tabard unattended once - the size label had been cut out but it was easily the size of a six-man tent.

She was so slow it would take her half of breaktime to cross the playground. However, we didn't dare arse about too much, as the rumours was that a few years previously one boy got sat on when eventually caught and he was still living in the rolls of fat, scavenging from the various partly eaten food items that dropped in.

She even gave her name to a playground game, where one person would wobble around pretending to be hugely fat, and the rest would try and 'pop' that person with an imaginary pin.

approved Sep 24 2006, submitted Apr 7 2006 by anonymous user
The phantom shitter struck in our school too. After laying a few hum-drum journeyman turds on toilet floors and in storage cupboards, he topped off his career by shitting off a lighting platform in the rafters off our huge assembly hall. The hall - called "Big School" for some reason - is where the end of the film "Clockwise" with John Cleese was shot. To this day I find the mental image of a poo falling thirty feet onto rows of plastic chairs funnier than the entire film.
approved Apr 12 2006, submitted Apr 6 2006 by anonymous user
We were only having a laugh when we lined up to watch the class fatty launch himself onto the trampette in PE. They were just jokes, we didn't really think that his vast weight would tear through all the springs and smash the thing to bits.

That was what made it so funny, really.
approved Jun 5 2006, submitted Mar 29 2006 by anonymous user
Variation on the more commonly accepted and widely practiced self gratification pastime, masturbation. Could be Italian in origin.

According to Ste Roberts, the method involved boiling an amount of pasta (pasta type was not specified so presumably most shapes will suffice)until 'al dente', then transferring pasta to an empty jam jar, leaving the lid off but covering the top with a double layer of cling film into which a small slit is made.

Once pasta cools from very hot to quite warm, the pastabater's penis can be inserted into the jar of pasta, at which point the pastabating can begin in earnest.

Never actually tried this, however having actually written the process up, it sounds more plausible than it did 20 years ago.
approved Jul 24 2006, submitted Mar 29 2006 by anonymous user
Apparently what Christopher Rose had for his dinner. Every. Single. Day.
Despite being a great believer in brevity, this entry is a bit short, even for me. What method was used to apply the AIDS to the toast? How did it taste? How many slices did Christopher eat? Mark your entries: 'I have a fucking doctorate in AIDS on toast and ye shall heed me'. Ta.
approved Mar 24 2006, submitted Mar 23 2006 by anonymous user
Whenever a policeman comes to school (either to talk to you about careers and shit, or to arrest someone, depending on the calibre of your school), it is customary to point them out to a ginger, exclaiming "Ooh, someone hasn't paid their ginger tax!"

The ginger in question is then expected to reply "Damn, I knew I forgot something", and then spend the rest of the day in hiding. If he doesn't do this, you may hit him.
approved Mar 29 2006, submitted Mar 21 2006 by anonymous user
Five Doritos fit perfectly into half a medium sliced sandwich. Primary school maths taught me this is known as a 'tesselation', a word I have never needed to use until this moment.
approved Mar 23 2006, submitted Mar 16 2006 by anonymous user
I spent a lot of time making a poison pen letter to insult my ex-friend, even assembling the note from cut-out letters from the newspaper like they do on Miami Vice. Once I had posted it to my victim's house, it only took ten minutes for me to be caught, slapped round the head and made to apologize. Perhaps I shouldn't have waved to her mum as I posted the letter through the front door.
Anyway, my best friend made me do it.
approved Mar 15 2006, submitted Mar 13 2006 by anonymous user
The rumour mill worked overtime for this one:

Rufus once bit his lip in front of the school vicar.
And thus:
Rufus said 'fuck' in front of the vicar
Rufus told the vicar to fuck off.
Rufus pushed the vicar and told him to fuck off.
Rufus twatted the actual Pope.
approved Jul 20 2007, submitted Mar 8 2006 by anonymous user
i was eating the jelly us poor kids on free school dinners got after the fish fingers, chips and (cold)mushy peas, when i looked up at the Gypo kid( he really was, he had a caravan and everything)sitting across from me, and saw my jelly on his face. Not literally, See, this kid had such a spotty red face and it looked just like the school dinner jelly where it hadn't melted in the water peoperly leaving blobs of red, thus resulting in an exact replica of this scabs face. I never ate school jelly after that as it just didn't taste the same, all i could taste was puss and sh*t. What a bastard though, you know, like it was'nt bad enough i was poor and couldn't afford my own food, he had to deprive me of the free food aswell. So take note spotty kids, (and Gypos) poor kids are hungry!
approved Mar 15 2006, submitted Mar 8 2006 by anonymous user
Our 5-a-side team was called Bumjamum. We did, too.
approved Feb 17 2006, submitted Feb 16 2006 by anonymous user
What we kids in the late 70's called spastics, and by association anyone who was a low achiever no matter what the reason.
Im now a responsible and mature father of two teenage girls who would not dream of mocking the mentally subnormal just for kicks, so did NOT curl up in hysterics when their school's drive towards 'spelling, punctuation and grammar' was launched under the banner of 'S.P.A.G'.
And I definitely did not laugh to the point of vomiting when my daughter brought her english exercise book home with the word 'SPAG' written in red biro by the teacher over each and every spaggish grammar or spelling mistake.
approved Feb 19 2006, submitted Feb 14 2006 by anonymous user
The windows in some of our classrooms would often steam up with condensation during lessons.
We discovered that if you had greasy skin (as many teenagers do), you could rub your fingers on your face, transferring some 'facial grease' onto them and then write 'invisible' words on the glass when dry, e.g "Bill Marlow is a Cunt".
When the windows next steamed up (which could be during another class) the invisible words would miraculously 'appear'. Often the blame would be directed at innocent pupils and once a whole class got detention for not revealing who had done it; they really didn't know! IT WAS ME! HA!
approved Feb 8 2006, submitted Feb 7 2006 by anonymous user