The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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In the customary, desperate attempt to be cool, our English teacher insisted that we read from the cowboy novel, "Shane", in an American accent.
To help us attain the desired Western drawl, we were encouraged to eat Toffo sweets, like the toffee-chewin', kiddy-fiddlin' cowboy from the TV ads.
approved Sep 18 2005, submitted Sep 11 2005 by anonymous user
If you poo yourself during PE, simply run to the toilet and clean yourself. Don't, as Martin Watts did, spend long, visible, seconds trying to somehow push the poo back into your anus, looking agonised, before explaining - out loud - that you have done a poo, and have been trying to push the poo somehow back into your anus.
The inclination not to attack an easy target, remember, does not occur in children.
approved Oct 7 2005, submitted Aug 26 2005 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
Ezekiel 23:20 talks about a woman who enjoys the company of lovers who are hung like donkeys and who can ejaculate like horses.

Editors note. We were a bit sceptical about this claim, but it turns out that it bloody well does. And how about 23:21? "So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. Phew! It seems that the whole of Ezekiel 23 is pretty damn filthy. It starts off like the premise of a Tania Russof movie and ends up in a Tarantinoesque bloodbath. The smutty bible-writing perverts.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by anonymous user, Phil Glansvile
Where the loneliest and most desperate children gathered, and a beacon to bullies all over the playground. The buddy stop was a 6-foot tall imitation bus stop sign; the idea was that if you had no friends to play with you would stand at the buddy stop. We were encouraged in assemblies to ask the children at the buddy stop to come and join in our games.
This encouragement was roundly ignored. If you played near it, the teachers would come over and point out the lonely children and make you ask them to join in. Hence a large area of permanent emptiness formed around the buddy stop, and after a while, no children, no matter how friendless, would ever go near it.
Seeing the unused buddy stop, the teachers probably congratulated themselves on running a school with no friendless pupils. As usual, they were as wrong as I don't know what.
approved Aug 24 2005, submitted Aug 24 2005 by anonymous user
The tube of a cotton reel neatly accommodates a pencil. Loop a thick elastic band over the bobbin (fnuff!), pull back the rubber (phraa!), and you can fire the pencil out at puncturing speeds.
If the idea of launching a sharpened pencil into someone's face and eye causes you some concern, simply launch the entire school pencil supply into a polystyrene ceiling.
If anyone asks where you got a ladylike thing such as a cotton reel, answer "I stole it off a gay". If they ask why you are stealing things from gays, reply "to better know mine enemy".
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Aug 18 2005 by anonymous user
Nickname of Steve Sampson, a christian tee-totaller who would only drink orange juice.
approved Sep 5 2005, submitted Aug 12 2005 by anonymous user
Well, my plea for information was eventually answered. This isn't a funny entry, but I'm approving it in the hope that it might inspire a new generation of toilet mountaineers. Go on. Tackle that north face - Matt.

You need to have cubicles with a rotating circular bit below the window showing red or green. There should be a slot in the middle of the circle, allowing the key to be inserted.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 11 2005 by anonymous user
Strange. I always thought I had rather enjoyed my school days. Perhaps I'm just repressing those terrible memories.
Matt King? Is this the Matthew King whose entire sexual experience during his school years was with Stuart Hoskins on a snooker table? Surely he can come up with a better character assassination than this over a decade after I spread that rumour.
Well, Matt? Did you do it with Stuart Hoskins on a snooker table? Are you Stuart Hoskins and was he any good? The LotP team would like to hear from you. Ponky
approved Aug 18 2005, submitted Aug 10 2005 by anonymous user
Shower-time practice of stretching the scrotum out with both hands until it is perpendicular to the body, causing the genitals to resemble the titular item. Accompanied by a cry of "Sausage on a plate!!"
Most commonly seen in lunchtime rugby practise. Does not go down so well in french lessons.
approved Aug 14 2005, submitted Aug 8 2005 by anonymous user
Mrs Waterhouse once taught an entire French lesson without saying a single word about the fact that the whole class were wearing paper bags with little eyeholes cut in them and smiley faces drawn on.
approved Aug 2 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by anonymous user
A setup for a mischievous physics teacher's prank.

[Teacher contrives for the class to revise electrical circuit symbols]
Teach [draws a circle with a 'V' inside]: "What does this represent?"
Pupil A: "A voltmeter, sir."
Teach [draws a circle with an 'A' inside]: "That's right. Now what's this?"
Pupil B: "An ammeter."
Teach [draws a circle with an 'O' inside]: "Well done. How about this?"
Rather too keen pupil C [adopting the air of having cracked the tricky follow-on question]: "Is it an ohmmeter, sir?"
Teach: "No. It's a Mexican riding a bicycle."

A year later, Pupil C, while remaining frustratingly un-Mexican, was knocked off his bicycle by a passing car.
approved Nov 11 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by anonymous user
A particularly spotty individual who was deemed to have more than just a crater-face amount of acne.
approved Aug 10 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by anonymous user
Jenny Turrell used to look like Jimmy Nail. This would lead to people interrupting conversations she was having, to inform the other person "she's lying", just like in the hit song "Ain't No Doubt".
She says
I don't want nobody else, I love you
She's lying
There won't be somebody else and that's true
She's lying
Say you'll always be my friend sweet darling

Note that Jimmy says "she's lying" more than once, so it was perfectly acceptable for us to do the same. Anyway, it was rumoured that Jenny stuck Lynx Deodorant and a kind of plant up her arse. Her denials were ably met with;
"She's lying."
approved Sep 22 2005, submitted Jul 29 2005 by anonymous user
Irrefutable logic is a supreme irritant for physics teachers - particularly the histrionic shouting type who never actually carry out a threat. Notably, Mr Linton.
Spotting me chatting in the corridor with a friend, who he'd also just chucked out of the class, he shouted 'Alexander, I thought I told you to stand outside the staff room! Why are you in the corridor?'
My response? 'Sir - I'm not standing INSIDE the staff room, and since I AM standing, I can only conclude that I must be standing OUTSIDE the staff room.'
Impressed with my scientific reasoning, he screamed in my face for a few moments before meandering away, muttering threats.
approved Sep 14 2005, submitted Jul 28 2005 by anonymous user
The school bullying policy was quickly defaced to:
We do not want bumming of any form at Arnold Hill School.
If you are being bummed, or know about bumming or rapist incidents, then speak to someone in school and/or fill in an incident form.

This would probably be a more efficient policy, but was never enforced; the school was full of bummers, and three out of four in my year went on to become successful rapists.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Jul 28 2005 by anonymous user
Recommended by ALL teachers as the perfect anti-bullying method. But when I tried it, the cunt spat on my neck.
approved Jul 27 2005, submitted Jul 25 2005 by anonymous user
At school in the 60s, it was deeply uncool if you hadn't snogged anyone. Snogging people kept your lips moist and delicious, so if you developed chapped lips, it meant you'd never snogged anyone, and were also a virgin.
If you developed a cold, you would be a snotty, bunged-up virgin who'd never been snogged, until you got better. Then you would have snogged and had sex again, until the next chapped lip, when you would, once again, become a virgin.
approved Oct 7 2005, submitted Jul 22 2005 by anonymous user
Our English teacher, Miss Richardson, was notable for her complete inability to maintain order in the classroom. Then she became pregnant. Get in.
Someone would shout out "Miss!" to get her attention. Someone else would follow this up by shouting "carriage!". She loved us for that.
approved Jul 26 2005, submitted Jul 21 2005 by anonymous user
If any readers are interested, what Sweden did in the War was lay on large quantities of weapons-building grade steel to the Germans, let them use their rail system (at a suitable price) to get their troops into Norway, and swap Reichmarks for ballbearings until Churchill threatened to flatten Stockholm.

By the way, Sven, I've spent five years in your herring-powered country and the reason you never got called gay is because it was so blindingly obvious there was no need. I have yet to meet a Swedish man who possesses even 1% of the masculinity of your average Britt-Marie or Elin. You bunch of emasculated, pale, dickless shadow-men.

I quite like it here really, though, so please don't hit me with your handbag.
approved Jul 17 2005, submitted Jul 15 2005 by anonymous user
Our science teacher once gave us a demonstration of what happens when you reverse the motor in a vacuum cleaner. We soon discovered that the best use for this device was to fire red-hot boiling tubes at unsuspecting students.
approved Sep 2 2005, submitted Jul 9 2005 by anonymous user