The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Leopold Bloom
Search LOTP
Offered as an answer to the question "If you got mugged on Orpington high street, what should you shout to get help?"
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Sep 13 2003 by Leopold Bloom
Graffiti. Presumably the teacher arrived before the pupil could add the final "r".
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Sep 7 2003 by Leopold Bloom
An actual excuse, as written on a late slip, for arriving half an hour late to school. I was on that bus, so I should know - it was we who had pushed him over the edge by ringing the bell every two and a quarter seconds and singing songs about vaginas.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Sep 7 2003 by Leopold Bloom
Not a good idea in the presence of others, as they will all invariably start chanting "She fell over!" and push you over again, in a nearby patch of mud where possible. Falling over is an even worse thing to do in the lunch hall, where falling over can result in your lunch being tipped all over the floor and three hundred children laughing at you simultaneously. The headmaster will invariably choose this moment to walk in and randomly give a table of laughing boys detention as you run off crying. (You may recognise the voice of experience in this.)
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 7 2003 by Leopold Bloom
I have been fortunate enough to have had two Latin teachers at secondary school. Both were quite, quite mad, and via extrapolation I have concluded that being clinically insane is a prerequisite for teaching schoolboys the classics.

For my first year I had a fairly old but otherwise physically normal man possessing a fixation on dogs, the British TV show Animal Hospital and classical comedies. He looked startlingly like a non-murderous version of Doctor Shipman.

The other teacher is a wild cross between William Hague, Kelsey Grammer and Steve Ballmer with startling taste in clothes and shirts which compulsively expose his navel. Is easily sucked into prurient discussions, sometimes initiating them himself through use of personal cliches, the most common of which is "As the actress said to the bishop.", frequently appended to any vaguely unusual statement. We keep count of the number of times he says this per lesson. He was once witnessed reading a copy of the Daily Sport and, when wound up, says the word "arse" repeatedly without hesitation.
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 7 2003 by Leopold Bloom