The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Ponky Ponk
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Unusually-shaped signs have been specially designed for the River Uck so as to provide no quarter to schoolboys with pen or paint in their hands and a gigantic letter 'F' in their heads.

However, the ever-so-diligent local council failed to recognise that the smutty minds of their schoolkids are not so easily thwarted; our roving reporter provided this photograph of a nearby town sign which shows that they still have some way to go before they can entirely eradicate filth from the streets of East Sussex.

approved Jul 11 2005, submitted Jul 5 2005 by anonymous user, Matt Fasham, Ponky Ponk
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What's the time?
Half past nine!
Hang your knickers on the line!
If a copper comes along
Hurry up and put them on!

Of course, this was back in the day when hanging your underwear out to dry was a civil offence. Not wearing any knickers at all (because you only have the one pair, and they're hanging on the line) was especially frowned upon.
approved Jun 14 2005, submitted Jun 12 2005 by Ponky Ponk
  • The most evil sounding of all the musical instruments, it is played almost exclusively in schools, and sometimes by bearded folk musicians.
  • Everyone must learn how to play 'London's Burning' on the recorder. The hardest bit is 'fire! fire!', which is best tackled by taking all of your fingers off the holes and then blowing as hard as you can.
  • Geeks sometimes get to play one of those funny big recorders.
  • No matter how talented the recorderist is, the first note on the chorus of 'Lord of the Dance' must be a shrill 'bum note' (see 'London's Burning').
  • Geeks also turn up to lessons with their own fancy wooden recorder from home, while the rest of the class has to make do with a plastic one with teeth marks on it.
  • Every parent dreads school concerts and the Harvest Festival, as there is every possibility that one of the first year classes will play an excruciatingly slow rendition of 'I am the Lord of the Fucking Dance' on recorders.
approved Jun 11 2005, submitted May 28 2005 by Ponky Ponk
For good friends and for good food
We thank you, Lord

Compulsory prayer said before dinner at my primary school. To be said in a mindless drone, reminiscent of, "Good mor-ning, Mis-sus Jones".
More accurate would have been;
For the wondrous bounty
That is shepherds pie
Left over from last week
And for letting me sit next to Peter
Who smells of cheese biscuits
We thank you, Lord
approved Jun 27 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by Name Withheld, Ponky Ponk
A series of GCSE revision books. Owning any book in the series was an admission of being an overenthusiastic gaymosexual bumdoctor.
approved Feb 15 2005, submitted Jan 12 2005 by Ponky Ponk
Most young adults would have grown out of playing with Plasticene, but it had a brief renaissance for all of one afternoon in 3rd year juniors.
This was when we decided to make explicitly detailed models of Steven Williams' mum having it off with a big black man.
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Nov 1 2004 by Ponky Ponk
A wooden measuring wheel on a stick. With this ingenius device, everyone would eventually get their golden chance to measure the length of the playground.
Envious fellow pupils could only look on helplessly, and occasionally point out of the window.
approved Mar 11 2004, submitted Mar 10 2004 by Ponky Ponk
Ooh... ahh,
I lost my bra,
I left my knickers in my boyfriend's car.
This weighty verse differs from the infantile whimsy of ta-ra-ra-bum-di-ay, in that it contains a powerful moral element.
In ta-ra-ra-bum-di-ay, the loss of the knickers was spontaneous, and not the result of moral turpitude. As a result, the knickers were returned by the gracious Fates.
Here, however, the knickers are lost as the direct result of pre-marital sex. Notice that the loss of a bra - a powerful symbol of female sexuality - compounds the devastation. Neither garment is (at least, explicitly) returned, leaving us to assume that they were either found by a slack-jawed vicar, who - mistaking their function - used them as hanging baskets in his garden.
Also note that only the woman is punished. That is because women are temptresses, and all sex and betrayal in the world is a result of their vile chicanery and desire for ever-more children, as documented in Ace of Bass's hit single "All That She Wants Is Another Baby".
approved Jun 14 2004, submitted Feb 11 2004 by Ponky Ponk, Jon Blyth
Often devastating put-down not very cunningly disguised as a gesture of pity.
"What are you getting your mum for Mother's Day?
Oh sorry, I forgot. She's dead isn't she?"
A handy P.S. to any partonising put-down is the word "Bless" accompanied by a smile and a cocking of the head. - Mansh
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Feb 4 2004 by Ponky Ponk
Inexplicably patronising statement made by most teachers when they turn the lights down to show the class a video about factories.
Realising even this patronising statement was a little highbrow for the more retarded pupils, they would normally add - and that means without talking.
approved Jan 21 2004, submitted Jan 8 2004 by Ponky Ponk
What Lisa shouldn't have said to the girl in our class who's younger sister had a deformed jaw, unless she genuinely wanted to make her cry all afternoon and be sent home.
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted Dec 29 2003 by Ponky Ponk
The hand action required when shooting at basketball, according to one of our P.E. teachers. A flap of the wrist in the well-known 'hello sailor' style.
This is what would happen if they let them in the Army.
approved Dec 16 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Ponky Ponk
  • Nibble off one edge of a Flying Saucer making a hole exposing the sherbet inside
  • Nibble a smaller hole on the opposite side
  • Place between lips, aim larger hole at victim's face and blow sherbert with a swift, well-aimed blast
  • Hilarity and temporary blindness ensues
approved Dec 18 2003, submitted Nov 11 2003 by Ponky Ponk
Fictional pop group featured in the Longmans Audio Visual French books.
Jean-Paul et Claudette would purchase "le dernier disque de Telephone" every fricking Saturday, without fail. If they really wanted to live life on the edge, they went swimming afterwards.
approved Nov 4 2003, submitted Oct 30 2003 by Ponky Ponk
We thought that replacing Onward Christian soldiers with "Onward fascist bastards" was really right on, and would bring down capitalism and organised religion.
It just made us sound like Rik from the Young Ones.
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Oct 23 2003 by Ponky Ponk
Angel's Mum was an older girl in our school. She wasn't my mum, of course, but she was judged enough like her to warrant the nickname.
She died in her sleep the night before an exam, which was absolutely awful. Almost instantly, I was being equally consoled and ridiculed for having a dead mum.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 13 2003 by Ponky Ponk
This is exactly the kind of blinkered toss that us C64 owners had to listen to all the fucking time... Stop me if I'm wrong. The only reason why people had Spectrums in the first place is because their parents bought them one as soon as it came out, which was before the Commodore did.
Not being allowed to have another (better)computer,(ie. a C64) AS WELL. I mean that would be greedy. And I mean what's wrong with your other computer any way young man. We only got it for you last Christmas, you ungrateful little wretch.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 6 2003 by Ponky Ponk