The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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(high pavement, 1990-1992) An unusual figure of fun. The mockery was based around the fact that he was getting driving lessons from his mum's boyfriend, but had to pay for them himself. More than that, when we asked him how many lessons he had taken, the number was nearly 100. To us, this was a clear indication that Murray's mother was using her son as a source of income to keep her in sex and drugs. This fuelled a fantasy world based around their abuse of Murray, in which he was made to stand outside their bedroom door while they had sex, because he was hungry and all the food was in there with them. Occasionally they would slip him out a sandwich, but never enough to stop the hunger. The culmination of this mockery was the "Aspects of Murray" collection, which was cut up bits of paper with doodles which made every facet of his life plainly sad and revolting. He never saw the Aspects of Himself - we made sure of that. We may have been pointlessly malicious, but we didn't want to destroy the poor bastard. Well, not until he searches for his own name on the internet, maybe.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Myself and two freaks used to sing this inspired "non-scanning" version of the theme tune. "Mighty Mouse is on the way. Here he comes to make your day even greener." After which we would make massive bringing-up-snot noises. We were nine.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A couple of people have written to me concerning stinkpalm, but I haven't seen Mallrats yet, so I haven't the foggiest what you're talking about.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Even if you are wearing trousers and underwear, if you press your fingers hard enough up your buttock cleft and worm them around, a small amount of anus smell will be transferred to your fingers. The process by which this happens is entirely magical. On a really warm day, I managed to get the smell through underpants, trousers, and jumper.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The elements of a lunchbox are all subject to a scoring system that any child can appraise in seconds. As adults, we may need help with a table.
 SandwichCrispsSnackDrink
5Deep filled, fresh, with two or more meats on wholegrain thick sliced bread.Rippled or otherwise textured luxury snack.Proper Chocolate Bar. Mars, Twix.Can Coke or equivalent
4Real, unprocessed meats on Mighty White.Monster Munch or other highly flavoured crisp.Mid-range chocolate. Penguin.Carton Ribena
3Standard cheese or processed ham on standard white bread.Ready Salted WalkersBudget chocolate. Ace, Taxi, Blue Riband.Pouch Capri Sun
2Elements of sweatiness. Sandwich droops when held by the edge.10p Red Mill snack - Tangy Toms.Fun Size Chocolate. Interpretable as an insult.Tupperware Beaker Robinson's Cordial
1One Kraft Single between two unbuttered slices of a 7p loaf.NoneTwo squares taken from a 500g bar of Dairy Milk. Fruit.Tap Water

Your score, coupled with your social standing, will determing your treatment. For instance, a score of 12 is recommended for victims; any noticeable variance from the absolute average will result in unwelcome attention. For popular children, the higher the score the better. In a geek-friendly environment, fruit may actually be considered acceptable. To be honest, it's a more complicated issue than this arena allows for, and to be even more honest I'm totally bored with the subject. Bye bye.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I like it when that happens. People finding each other. I feel like Cilla Black, I really do.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The unwelcome erection in the changing rooms. Said in a high-pitched squeal with emphasis on the "lob". An erection was treated with the same level of confusion, fear, and disgust as if a lobster had, indeed, walked into the changing rooms with a towel wrapped around its waist, and started whistling.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lorcan Macguire, Jon Blyth
Living In A Box's eponymous hit. A useful song for when words like gypo and fleabag lose their effect. Can be used in conjunction with "Uptown Slag, she's been living in a paper bag," by Billy Joel.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Barker, Jon Blyth
This will also lose its edge when the idiots get hold of it, saying it too slowly and ruining what was originally a good joke. Like when the same idiots suddenly start liking bands that used to be cool, before the idiots read one fucking copy of the NME and before you know it the video was on the fucking Twix Chart Show. Idiots.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A form of perversion based on the insertion of a lego flagpole up - of course - the arse. If girls ever did this sort of thing, then maybe there'd be something interesting stuck up the front bumhole, but no. Girls either didn't do this sort of stuff, or don't talk about it, or don't visit my website. Aha - probably the latter. I've only just thought of that.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Dan Wakely
I heard this on the bus today, and a child said it, so I think it counts. Two boys were talking to each other, and the younger one said "I had a ladybird on my hand. I stroked it, and it trumped on me." I laughed out loud, and their father looked disapprovingly at me. I felt like I was in assembly.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Does anyone have any lab assistant stories? Ours were really retarded, but never got up to anything genuinely evil. Lab Assistant stories are welcome, so long as they aren't just "our lab assistant used to be really stupid and shuffled around with test tube racks and never said anything." Did anyone ever get into that special lab assistant room? Did they ever touch you? There? In that special place that daddy told you was where Socky The Hand Puppet had dinner? Do you remember Socky's strange, asymmetrical eyes, and looking for the place where he hid until daddy brought him out?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
"La sac magique", from Tots TV, is presumably something to say whilst delivering your wrath unto a colleagues testicles.

There's also a line from Bill Hicks' Revelations video about a "Hairy sack of magic" which made Tots TV more unintentionally hilarious. -Susan.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A book in our religious education class was written by David Konstant, and John Cumming. It was written by Christians, and it was called "Beginnings". We were never made to read the book, but I have the grim feeling that it may have been disappointing. If you don't believe me, look here.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Joke that you can use to ridicule Jehova's Witnesses. "Knock knock / Who's There? / It's your mum and dad....". See also Christmas.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
An unlikely Jewish misinterpretation of the hit song "Kinky Boots".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Nickname given to boys who had brain tumours. Whether true or not, to us the tumour was removed with a big metal skewer by a doctor who fished around in your brain until he got it. Hence, brain tumour patients were human kebabs, and were so dubbed.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The year - between 1987 and 1989. Still reeling from the revelations of Cerebral Palsy (see Joey Deacon), John's Not Mad gave us Tourette's Syndrome.
It followed the life of a boy who simply couldn't stop swearing, thanks to a disease. As it was educational, none of the swearing was censored. His mother dropped a plant pot and spilled some soil - John came out with "mum, you cunt". The supermarket scenes were also a gutter treat.
At this time, state-sanctioned crudity was rare, and we loved it.
John was locked into the cupboard by his teacher because he wouldn't stop swearing. This is even funnier - imagine an OFSTED inspection with a cupboard that is wobbling and swearing!
Inspector : What is in that cupboard?
Teacher : It is a wobbling swearing cupboard, like the wobbling swearing plant out of The Adventure Game.
Inspector : Very good. Take it out and burn it.
Teacher : But... but...
Inspector : But nothing - burn it now! Here are the matches, burn it now in front of me!
Teacher : OK. I suppose.
The day after John's Not Mad was the filthiest day of playground talk I can ever recall. It is still surprising that so many children actually watched a documentary... To hear scenes, click here.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Early-mid 1980's figure of tragedy and fun. See here.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A game in which you and a friend take adjacent elevators to the top floor of a building, agreeing that when you get there you will jump out and shout "jingo bingo!" without even looking. It is a race, but there are never any hard feelings; somehow the shouting of "jingo bingo!" reduces the competitive edge. Plus, if it is a draw you both get to jump out of lifts shouting "jingo bingo" together, which is a rare pleasure. If you win the race but do not shout "jingo bingo!" then you lose - you should shout it loud enough for your opponent to hear you in their lift.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth