The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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Combination of the bundle (a.k.a. pile on, all pile on, bundlefly project) and the jewfinder general technique of rolling a penny along the floor. The picker up of the penny is the jew - and everyone jumps on them. A harsher version is where the penny is thrown at the potential Jew, and they are covered in boys if it hits them.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Paul Heath
This game involves running around "shooting" each other with "guns". Of course, having no uniforms or other way of distinguishing between the two sides you had to ask "Jap or Brit?" before shooting. Luckily, real wars are more organised, with different sides wearing easily distinguishable colours, except for spies, who wear black.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mumbles , Jon Blyth
A fat whore.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
King Charles Spaniels that look like they are ready to explode with even the gentlest application of a woodwork vice.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Classic, but is this an urban myth, like the "Please let my son off games because he has a broken ear. Signed, my mum" letter? Answers on a postman.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I suggest that Dave should have Porked Michelle's Anal Tract Carefully, given her low standards of hygeine. God, that was Radio 4 smug, that was.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The idea of inverted nipples is commonplace, although I'm not sure if anyone has ever seen any. Surely it would involve little holes. And they would have to suck in milk. And this never, never happens.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
One of the possible results of pushing a small and hitherto powerless child too far. The results can be positive, or catastrophic; the best case scenario is that the bully will step back, filled with a newfound respect. He will then proceed to befriend or ignore the victim. The worst case scenario is that the bully will simply beat the child up. The shock of the runt sticking up for himself will subside quickly when he is rolling around on the floor, clutching his sorry little bollocks.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A German song, featured in the Deutsch Heute book. Translated literally...

I am hungry, hungry, hungry,
I am hungry, hungry, hungry,
I am hungry, hungry, hungry,
I am thirsty.

Where is the food, food, food
Where is the food, food, food
Where is the food, food, food
Where is the sausage?

Hard to believe any race stereotyping themselves so effectively.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Eddie Hoyland, Jon Blyth
Double bluff possible; reply "icy ink". The other person may (a 1:25 chance) say "no, iced ink", allowing you full reversal privileges.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Also try "I'm telling, you're dwelling in an indefinite state of fear"
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Oh Come Let Us Adore Him = Oh Come Let Us Ignore Him
Christ The Lord becomes Christ, I'm Bored
Gracious Spirit, Holy Ghost becomes Gracious Spirit, Beans on Toast
Peace is flowing like a river...flowing out of you and me... becomes... well, I think you can guess this one...
We are climbing Jesus' ladder becomes = for ladder, read penis
I close my eyes, drew back the curtains becomes = why not draw back your foreskin?
All dicks bright and beautiful, all creatures grunt and smell
Jesus Christ the Apple Tree, said with a different emphasis, becomes a startled exclamation of surprise.
Service to the loving, honour to the dead becomes bollocks to the Head
Our Father, Who Art In Heaven, Harold By Thy Name
'Blessed are those that come in the House of the Lord', swap House for Mouth
God rest you jerry mental men
do re mi so fa la ti do = dirty asshole farty old soul
Cross over the road my friend,
ask the lord his cock to bend,
hi-is penis knows no end,
cross over the road.
and for the catholics...
benedicta tu becomes benny's dick tattoo
clarior usta rogo becomes clarior usta bollocks (?) and you have to say usta as though you are climaxing. Naturally.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James McCormack, Christopher Huxley, Michele , Joe S., Garth , Matt King, Alex Carter, Ben Austwick, Jon Blyth
In the science lab, there are plenty of artefacts to put into the fattest boys bag. (This isn't anti-fat, but common sense. People who weigh 29 stone are less likely to notice a few bunsen burners in their bag) If done in the last period, there is every chance he will take them home with him. Hopefully, we will empty his bag in front of his mum. When she sees all the cut up and gutless frogs, she will assume that he stopped at a pond on the way home, and feasted on the wildlife.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Graham Powell
This unesteemed sixth form college was attended by myself, and the mass murdering Doctor Harold Shipman (and a few others whose names I forget). He was sensationally responsible for the deaths of hundreds of women patients over a period of many years - I am not.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Oh, yes, thank you. Geordie Boy submitted this one, and it made me remember that I was actually bullied, before I had a "spurt" which sent me to 6 foot at 13. I really thought I'd been popular all my life, and irresistably loveable, when in fact, for a substantial part of my life, I was just an obnoxious jumped-up shit. James Pates was my bully's name! He punched me in the face, and I was too stupid or stubborn to realise I was walking around with blood pouring out of my nose! The year after, I kneed him in the bollocks and then spent the next month convinced I was going to go to prison!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Geordie Boy
The city in which puddingbowl lane is the high street. Based on the mid-80s advert on Anglia TV for Carpet City. A squeaky voiced squirrel-man-creature would ask "Mexico City? London City? New York City?" and the booming-voiced continuity dude would assert "No! It's Carpet City!"
Hang on a minute, wasn't this the other way around. Wasn't the continuity bloke lost, and the squirrel-man calmed him with the reassuring notion that he was, in fact, in Carpet City? The continuity man then went on to discuss the prices of carpets, which is odd to say that three seconds ago he didn't even know where he was. I don't think he was ever lost at all.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The number rises if the haircut is particularly severe, or ridiculous. The most I have heard is Haircut 1000, which is somewhat reserved considering that children say 'gazillions' and 'babwillions' to mean anything more than 50.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A word I was rewarded for knowing when I was nine. The thing is, I didn't really know what it meant. I just said "ooh, grimace" as an insult based on the McDonald's character. When the teacher asked me what 'grimace' meant, I sort of pulled a face, trying to imitate Grimace. This was right. My reward was to go to the front of the queue to get back into class, which in retrospect wasn't that hot a deal.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The first speech simulation on a computer I ever heard, and I was amazed that beeps and tones could be bent into human voice. The game was Ghostbusters, although I can't remember whether it was on the Spectrum or the C64. A cacky sub-MIDI-synth style rendition of Ray Parker Jr's hit piped through your TV, and you got to join in by pressing the space bar (oh, hang on - Space Bar - must have been a C64) to make the computer say "Ghostbusters!" at the relevant moments. Only thing is, it sounded much more like "Granny Busters" than Ghostbusters. Which is going some, plucking a syllable from nowhere like that. Still. I tried to make Granny Busters catch on, but no-one listened to me. Sad little shit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
If Dunnies (see Green Flash) are the Aldi of trainers, Gola are the Lidl. Slightly better, simply because they sell cheap red bull with "nearly Taurine" chemical "Taurin" in it. Other than that, unacceptable. Trainers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Craig Scarratt, Jon Blyth