The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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Actually, the girls were indulging in experimental lesbian fantasy, as this frame from "The Adventures of Gwendoline" by John Willie illustrates.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I'll tell you - they said "boys are so stupid, let's be lesbians and have some attempt at a reciprocal, loving relationship while they all fuck each other senseless like bad pigs".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The box in games, full of spare clothes. This is used by three sets of people; fat or feeble kids who wilfully forget their kit to avoid games, trevors who can't afford their own kit, and normal children who simply forgot it was games. These are perhaps the most unfortunate group; because the gippo box is never laundered, the poor normal child will be forced to run around in fat kid's ball sweat and poor kid's fleas.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
In Ilkeston, Derbyshire, there are over 200 words for being caught with your dick in your hand. Simple holding, wanking, threatening behaviour, time of day, proximity to farmlife, all these factors affect the final word. There is a word for "holding your cock at dusk within spurting distance of a rooster".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Monumentally stupid game, annoyingly however I lost the rules. It involved asking older kids to beat you up until they did, though.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Darren Cullen
Also an Indian restaurant in Manchester. "Eating at the Gaylord" was far too tempting a euphemism for oral sex to be kept to oneself.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
gay
Gay just means stupid - there never seemed to be any real implication that you were actually gay if someone called you gay. Pete Beal's Banana Bowl was another matter.
Teacher : What is the capital of France?
Elaine : Is it Calais sir?
Darren : Sir, Elaine's being gay!
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A furtive fondle. A form of intimacy popular amongst turtles.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I don't get it either.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Variations include fuck shit bastard wank twat, fuck shit fuck shit fuck, and fuck shit bollocks arse cunt. Well, that's this page fucked for NetNanny.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Apparently, there's a variant of this game, in which you have to say "anal fist fuck". A few people have emailed to tell me this. The stakes are substantially higher on this one, and I'm curious to know if there are any even more extreme versions.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The essence of foot chuffers is to stamp on the opponent's foot. To do so is to score a chuff. However, to prevent random stampings, rules were developed regarding a signing on and off process. To sign on, both combatants must raise their right leg and declare the commencement of foot chuffing. You remain in a state of war until one player signs off. Formerly, a mutual and simultaneous signing off was required, in the same fashion of the signing on. However, some warriors would refuse to sign off, and carry on stamping on their opponent's feet for days after, sometimes weeks. After much injustice, the amendment was passed to allow unilateral signings off. Special moves include the reverse chuff, the double chuff, and the total chuff combo (a reverse double chuff). Exotic moves, such as the flip chuff, the uberchuff, and the black spin, were postulated but never put into practice.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Paul Daft
Ask the victim if they want to get high and see amazing colours. They usually say yes, and so the game shall begin. Place the victim (who, it must be said, has to be a very trusting victim) on their knees and hold a towel in front of their face. An accomplice would then pull the towel up while you pushed on either side of their nose with your palms. Once the towel is removed, ask them if they can see the flying colours. Obviously, they don't, so you try again. This time, however, press your arse against the victim's nose and teasingly drag the towel away. It might help if your accomplice presses their face forwards. It would seem a terrible waste to go through all this effort if their nose didn't go up your arse.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ashley , Jon Blyth
"First the worst, second the best, third the dirty donkey." Dirty donkey also known as Hairy Princess. Obviously sung by people who weren't quite first, and taken unusually seriously by the person who was first, who in theory shouldn't have anything to prove to the person s/he just beat. Also used to punish the third place, who was often rewarded with a beating (or, in toilet related adventures, pissy trousers). The third person, however badly humbled, could take solace in the fact the he wasn't as bad as the person who came first, who was, after all, the worst.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Nick Feek
The use of a straw has created something of a talking point - apparently this is called "shrimping", or "mungfelching", depending on where you are.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
French woman whose misadventures in the Tricolore textbooks were entirely unspectacular - except for the fact that her eyes were a pair of tits. Her pupil-nipples (or nippupils) existed, unfeasibly, outside of the eyehole. There were two types of tit-eye in the cartoon:

Fig 1 shows the amiable, ponderous, motherly dumpling eyes. As tit-eyes, they're likeable - but they might not always get the job done.
Meanwhile, Fig 2 shows the shrewish, aggressive yet quietly unhappy pointy-tit eyes. It's difficult to imagine sucking a satisfying amount of milk from the pupils of these eyes.
Figure 3 is a pair of tits I have photoshopped above a nose and mouth. You'd be mates with that, wouldn't you? He's a barrel of laughs, him.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Oh, and I've done the same thing with squicking on this site - for the record, squicking is the (uncommon) practice of fucking the unformed skull of the under eights.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Sucking your own spunk out of your partner's arse. A mythology grew around this word, thanks mainly to The Mary Whitehouse Experience, and the unwillingness of people who didn't know what it meant to admit it, and making something up. I'm still not entirely sure about it, as in some versions you are allowed to use a straw.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
[examples] Two subjects of a perpetually expanding song. The pattern of comedy would follow the Little and Large model, wherein Fatty would fart or do something amusing, and Thinny would either suffer, or not be involved. Thinny never got the laughs, and probably fantasised about Fatty's death in many different ways - if my understanding of murder motives is correct.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Jo Denham
I was fat myself, but luckily I was tall and looked stronger than I was. I mostly escaped taunting on the grounds of my weight - these people didn't.
The funniest fat boy in school's surname was pronounced Weight-Man. It took me a good while to realise that this wasn't a nickname. For his PE option, Weight-Man chose trampolining classes because they involved, potentially, no movement. Sadly, they didn't spare him from mockery, for three good reasons. He had incredibly hairy legs, the sight of him climbing onto the trampoline was a Mr Bean-style masterpiece, and during his turns on the trampoline, his feet never left the elastic. He would just use the initial tension of his climbing onto the trampoline to bob up and down until the teacher (increasingly angrily) told him to get off. This was probably a good thing, as none of us had any intention of trying to catch him if he tried to jump and fell off.
Then there was the ginger, huge one, cursed with the belief that no-one would take the piss out of him if he tried to be the jolly fat man. Trouble was, his jokes created an angry confusion, and a "who does he think he is?" ill-feeling. Went on to get a BSc and MSc, I'm told by an angry reader, although presumably not in Mirth and Merriment.
Finally, we had our year's only proper black girl, so it was a relief to our developing brains that she didn't break the Tom & Jerry Big-Momma stereotype. She always bought in a big pack of sweets. As far as I can recall, I was the only person she ever shared her sweets with, which led to some ridicule on my part, as a potential suitor. At the time, though, I was so careful not to seem racist, and more importantly, not to shy away from girls in case people correctly assumed that I was a fat gay, that I accepted her sweets and sat next to her in a class. Once.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth