The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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Again, more popular than you may think. After getting the Guinness Book of Records for Christmas, me and my brother discovered that the heaviest man alive was called Danny Lambert, and we performed much the same dance whilst singing "Danny Lambert, Danny Lambert Oy Oy Oy".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Holding in a fart can yield great rewards if you release after a key phrase. For instance, after a scene in Star Wars where someone asked someone else to put a trace on a spaceship, I dropped cargo and declared "put a trace on that". Bravo, me.

You won't have to wait long. It's quite easy.

How do you do?
*parp*
Much better now, thanks.

What time is it?
*parp*
Too farty.

Hello!
*parp*
Calm down Jeffrey, he wasn't talking to you.

This last one works best if you're known for having an anus called Jeffrey
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
This is true of all ages. In younger years, a finely rounded fart in assembly is absolutely hilarious. No-one can deny this. In later years, when applying for a late licence in the magistrates' court, a similar enhancement occurs. I can promise you.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Chris Laity
If a member of your group has been excluded, perhaps for not laughing at the leader's jokes, a lackey may be deployed to further your exclusion This lackey will approach, pretending to comfort for just a few moments, until a reluctant smile plays hopefully onto your lips. Then they will say 'He was right, you ARE a pussy' (or something to that effect), then run back to the group laughing. IMPORTANT NOTE : On no account should you use your time in the wilderness to gain an empathy with the people you would normarily bully.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul , Jon Blyth
There was a series of Wally games on the Commodore 64. On the back of one of the games, they actually had the gall to record a novelty song called "Everyone's a Wally". Anyone remember the words?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The response of the BBC Model B to any statement that didn't follow its unjustifiably strict rules of BASIC. Made for limited fun, so.
> chris is great and everyone likes him
ERROR
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A deeply regrettable insult on the part of the inventor. Referring to the eczema of his opponent, and the emery board like complexion of his epidermis, the insult just sort of hung there for a few seconds before the cries of "emery what?" and "say that again, you fucking ponce" let him know that he had lost the argument.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The fat bloke out of Brush Strokes, therefore any fat person in any class in any school, from 1986-88. In particular, Andrew Barlow. Andrew delivered swift and heavy justice to people who called him Elmo. He was the tallest boy in the year, and so was in the most commanding position to deliver a painful bundy. The fat bloke was also in Chelmsford 123, with a similarly stupid fat sounding name. This caught on for a brief while, but appalling as Brush Strokes was, it was better than fucking Chelmsford 123.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Cartman's mum described her fart as a stinky apple, too. Is there a link between apples, parents, and farting?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Stack the entire classes chairs around the captain of the dying spaceship, then kick them over so that the captain is lost in a tangle of awkward metal and plastic. Just like in a real dying spaceship scenario, the captain can be hurt very badly.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon , Jon Blyth
The development of coloured chalks and all-over dusting never really caught on, for two reasons; coloured chalks were considered unnecessarily fancy, and it is much more difficult to incorporate the firm and friendly patting of a mate's arse into a nonchalant gesture. Advanced dusters were generally derided and beaten as hopeless queermos by their traditionalist brothers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Conrad Giles, Jon Blyth
"Green Flash" trainers were re-released in 2001, with stands of them in fashionable places like Schuh, and Raw. I haven't seen one pair being worn during or since this feeble attempt at a comeback. Even the lure of retro couldn't shake off the fact that they were still pretty affordable.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Constructed, like coats made from animal skins, by the zipping together of five or so duffel coats. Then, climb inside and giggle until bored. Ski coats, which had detachable arms (in case you became trapped under a tree whilst skiing, and needed to sacrifice a limb), could be made into a ski ensemble, by unzipping the arms, zipping the arms to each other and wearing them as trousers. Then you could walk around like the Lord of the Manor, even if you did walk like duck wearing a nappy full of shit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Richard Sharpe
A Nottingham extension. Also, if William Shatner's famous cop had come from Nottingham, he would have introduced himself by saying "I'm TJ Hooker, duck", which relates a little to the previous entry.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Exclamation of incredulity. "Tommy Cooper's dead!" - "FUCK a DUCK!" A bowdlerized version spawned the fairground "Hook A Duck" stalls, in which you win a goldfish with athlete's foot coming out of its arse.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston, Jon Blyth
These were the children who had the terrible euphemism "special" inflicted upon them more than any other. Technically, they weren't missing anything - in fact, they had one more chromosome than everyone else. It's not fair. They get all the chromosomes and then they get to hog the drama workshops too. Jammy bastards.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Dan Wakely
A despicable breed who share interests and sympathy with the geeks, but have somehow managed to end up with a popular set of friends. These double agents may even go to their geek friends' houses at the weekend to paint little lead goblins, but within school hours they are inexplicably distant, their one concession to the sham of a friendship being the fact that they only laugh half-heartedly at the routine deconstruction of the geek's psyche.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Said by the wanker in the middle of a crowd of people waiting to get through a door. Can be followed by "I'll sign autographs later". If said by a popular kid, it was sickening and offensive. If an unpopular kid tried it, he was punched by the popular kid he copied it from.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
You can't have done, because I did.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The primary rule of the nuclear back-packs in Ghostbusters translates well into a toilet game where you both piss into the same bowl. If you do cross the streams, you must both squeal as you undergo an imaginary process of total particle reversal. This means getting a lot of piss on the walls, so it is best not to cross the streams.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth