The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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Poem given in response to the question "what's the time?"
Half past nine!
Hang your knickers on the line!
When they're dry,
Bring them in!
Put them in the biscuit tin!
Eat a biscuit!
Eat a cake!
Eat your knickers by mistake!

May be met with "no, really. What's the time?" This means they want to hear the poem again.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Susan Tobacco, Jon Blyth
Childish riposte to a positive statement about anything at all.
"I really like Brush Strokes."
"Well why don't you marry it then?"
"Would you like a crisp?"
"Yes please."
"Well why don't you marry it then?"
The only possible retort to this is "perhaps I will".
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Jon Blyth, Susan Tobacco
1. Brand of orange. The advert's slogan was "small ones are more juicy - naturally" accompanied by jug-heavy Mungo Jerry hit "In The Summertime". Therefore,

2. Thing to say to someone with small but perfectly acceptable breasts.

3. Also can be said post-sex to a man whose small penis has just saturated your duvet, surprising you both. "Why, Mr Patterson! Small ones are more juicy!"

"Naturally," replies Mr Patterson,laughing.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Susan Tobacco, Jon Blyth
Here is a quick lesson in the many different ways you can fuck the sister of a friend, in the style of those hilarious emails which give show you the flexibility of the word "fuck". You know... "what do you mean, a fucking iceberg?" Those. They're funny.
J'encule ta soeur.
"I fuck your sister", or "I am fucking your sister". It should be obvious from the circumstances which one you mean.
J'ai encul ta soeur.
"I fucked your sister." Bog-standard.
Je vais enculer ta soeur.
"I am going to fuck your sister." Best said whilst putting your hat on and leaving the room with a monkey wrench in your hand.
Je dois enculer ta soeur.
"I must fuck your sister." Say this after banging your head in a "that reminds me, I'm so forgetful" sort of way.
J'enculais ta soeur, mais elle a mal au vagin.
I would fuck your sister, but she has a poorly vagina.
You could always do the pluperfect, I suppose, but I really can't be bothered. And according to Altavista, enculer means to fuck in the ass. So that's a nice bonus for everyone concerned.
approved Jun 8 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Jon Blyth
Tango Advertising Boardroom, 1993
Exec A : What's Tango like?
Exec B : Dunno. Orangey.
Exec C : It's more than just Orangey, my friend. It's got zizz, it's got zazz. The bubbles suck up your tongue like the kisses of goldfish.
Exec B : Oh, stop it. You always get carried away like this.
Exec C : It's an experience, a lifestyle. It's a path, a method. A liquid universe with CO2 planets constantly being created and destroyed. It's a cosm.
Exec A : I'll get some coffee.
Exec B : No, stay. Please.
Exec C : It attacks you. It gets onto all fours behind you while its friend pushes you over it. It bites you during a kiss. It slaps its hands over your ears.
Exec B : Ha. We used to do that at school. It was funny.
Exec A : Didn't it hurt?
Exec B : Dunno. Never had it done to me. Did it to the fat kid, though. Ha. Fat kids. Haha.
Exec C : So that's it. We get a fat bloke, and he slaps this guy over the ears. The guy is drinking Tango.
Exec B : Haha. Fat bloke. Let's paint him orange. Then he'd look like an orange, all fat and orange.
Exec C : You're on fire, Jeremy.
The advert was banned, when parents complained that their children had been sent deaf by thousands of copy-cat ear-slappings around the country. Tango's attempts to distance themselves from this "dangerous" behaviour were damaged by the fact that the children were shouting "YOU'VE BEEN TANGO'D" as they did it.
See the revised version of the advert at Absolutely Andy. It's some way down the page, so search for "Tango".
approved Jul 14 2004, submitted Mar 20 2004 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
From the CBBC's interview with Kym Marsh, who is "about to be a huge solo star"; proof of the need for a nostalgia licence, to stop idiots using it...
CBBC : Did you have a nickname at school?
Kym : I had lots but the main one I think was Trio, that my brother used to call me Trio because there used to be a biscuit years ago named Trio and there was a girl on the advert named Susie who had the biggest mouth and my brother used to call me Trio because he said I had a big mouth, I was very loud. I can't imagine why he thought that.
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Mar 15 2004 by Jon Blyth
This involves walking up to a girl (one you've never met before) in front of your mates then you proceed to hold her shoulder and tell her she is the most repulsive person you've ever seen. After this, you hold on for as long as you can. The rougher she is, the harder it is, and the more enjoyable the ride.
Kudos comes from both the duration of the ride and the harshness of the insult.
(As adults, a sexier version of this game arises, in which you say someone else's name in bed while you're inside the sex hole. After that, see how long you can stay inside. However, it's worth remembering that having your cock in a non-consenting sex hole is tantalisingly close to rape)
approved Mar 12 2004, submitted Mar 7 2004 by de dee, Jon Blyth
I just found out what it's all about. "Catch a nigger by the toe" was a way of finding out whether the nigger you were confronted with was - in fact - not a nigger at all, but the devil.
The devil's cloven hooves, you see, would feel no pain at the squeezing of a toe. However, your nigger would squeal, and say "ooh, me toe!", whilst hopping on one foot.
So it's not racist at all, you see - because if the nigger isn't the devil, you let him go, with a cheery "sorry about the toe, old bean, but you can't be too careful with you niggers".
approved Oct 4 2004, submitted Feb 29 2004 by Jon Blyth
Sometimes, you see a bit of youthful good-natured vandalism, and you think Jesus, you outstanding retards, you've just missed the opportunity of your lives..
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Feb 22 2004 by Jon Blyth
Very well known game, in which combatants link fingers and attempt to get the other person to say 'mercy' by damaging the other person's wrists as painfully as possible. More fun if you use the other person's hands to hit themselves mid-bout, BUT watch out for the one in 2,000 children whose wrists bend back painlessly to meet their arms.
These children can never lose at mercy, and even if they're too weak to get a mercy out of you, there's no dignity to be had from trying to hurt someone who is smiling in that sickening way that shit people have when they're doing the one thing they're good at.
Additionally, if you let go, that constitutes a 'mercy', so you're stuck - effectively holding hands - with this leering feebler, until he gets bored. And he won't get bored, because he's doing the one thing he's good at.
Just be careful, is all.
approved Oct 4 2004, submitted Feb 11 2004 by Max Cervantes, Jon Blyth
Ooh... ahh,
I lost my bra,
I left my knickers in my boyfriend's car.
This weighty verse differs from the infantile whimsy of ta-ra-ra-bum-di-ay, in that it contains a powerful moral element.
In ta-ra-ra-bum-di-ay, the loss of the knickers was spontaneous, and not the result of moral turpitude. As a result, the knickers were returned by the gracious Fates.
Here, however, the knickers are lost as the direct result of pre-marital sex. Notice that the loss of a bra - a powerful symbol of female sexuality - compounds the devastation. Neither garment is (at least, explicitly) returned, leaving us to assume that they were either found by a slack-jawed vicar, who - mistaking their function - used them as hanging baskets in his garden.
Also note that only the woman is punished. That is because women are temptresses, and all sex and betrayal in the world is a result of their vile chicanery and desire for ever-more children, as documented in Ace of Bass's hit single "All That She Wants Is Another Baby".
approved Jun 14 2004, submitted Feb 11 2004 by Ponky Ponk, Jon Blyth
The rudest thing you can say in french without using your imagination. Translated, it means "go fuck yourself", and is the closest that French has to offer to the great British "fuck".
Simply by learning a few more basic words - including dog, mother, suck, tetraplegic, vodka and full anal - you can do much better.
approved Feb 24 2004, submitted Feb 4 2004 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Jan 21 2004 by Jon Blyth
To be unfashionable. "Fila trainers went out with the dinosaurs." When applied to people, such as in the phrase, "Kim Wilde went out with the dinosaurs," this can create a strange image of Kim Wilde briefly dating a Stegosaurus. This was my first interpretation of the phrase, and led to confusion when it was applied to trainers, coats, and television programmes.
Either I'd got it wrong, or dinosaurs would fuck anything.
approved Jan 19 2004, submitted Jan 19 2004 by Jon Blyth
Put your fingers to the corners of your eyes and pull as directed whilst singing;
"My mum's Chinese" (pull both fingers up)
"My dad's Japanese" (pull both fingers down)
"Look what happened to me!" (pull one finger up and one finger down).
If this visual gag wasn't hilarious enough, imagine a pubescant girl singing "Chinese, Japanese, Mummy please, what are these?" whilst gesturing to her new, pert bahongas!
Boys can gesture to their dirty knees instead, but that's not as funny as TITS.
approved Feb 2 2004, submitted Jan 19 2004 by Nick Hunt, Jon Blyth
The piano, if left on castors, can serve many purposes. At its simplest, it can crush people against the wall, causing anything between a winding and organ damage. Or use it to barricade the music room door, for a session of uninterrupted violence.
Get it out into the corridor, and you can use it to smash open lockers, and batter down the doors of locked store rooms, allowing you to gather pots of glue, paint and detergent.
Get it outside... then you can sit on top of it, and roll into an adventure written by Roald Dahl. You might need the stuff you robbed from the store rooms to thwart the wicked headmaster.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Andy Magee, Jon Blyth
If you can't be arsed to even stand and blow a whistle every now and then, why not assign the two most annoying and unpopular kids to referee a basketball match? It'll give them a little taste of power, bless, and will result in them getting pulped in the changing rooms by the losing team.
One team wins, one team gets to hit someone, and one bullied boy gets the whiff of authority that will drive him in adult life to start a corporation that menaces old ladies out of their homes so he can build a car park. Until that old woman works out how to reach the A-Team, at which point he'll cop a cabbage in the chops.
Everyone's a winner!
approved Sep 28 2004, submitted Jan 15 2004 by Ruth Google, Jon Blyth
My name is Tony Lord. I'm gay. Help.
If they ever develop a way to determine sexuality in the womb, I'm not suggesting that everyone should have the option to terminate their bent baby, just people with the surname Lord. It's not fair on the child.
Oh, and Norton - although that might be locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

approved Jun 12 2004, submitted Jan 4 2004 by Tony Lord, Jon Blyth
Heh. I just thought of this one in the pub last night, so file under red todgers for "celebrity spoonerisms you think of 20 years too late, and have since been referenced lightly on the b3ta boards when you google them".
Remember that DJ? The presenter of zany children's gameshow Funhouse, and the hairier 50% of "Haven't Stopped Dancing Yet" legends Pat 'n' Mick?
I give you Shat Parp.
approved Apr 29 2005, submitted Dec 22 2003 by Jon Blyth
This baffles me. You could choose any three word insult, and say - are you a HRL? Then say - ha ha, you're a hairy rectum licker! Or, what, you're not a highly regarded lover?, depending on their answer.
There aren't three letters you couldn't do it to. XQZ - Xenophobic Queer Zoophile or Xtrasexy Quad-Speed Zazzmerchant?
So why was there so much focus on PLP? Is there a proper meaning for it? And while I'm at it, that second entry makes no sense, because you're changing the answer to a NO response, when it's only when they answer YES that the person's height becomes material.
This whole entry is shrouded in befuddlement from start to finish. Except for piece of lavatory paper, which is bummy.
(Update from Richard Edwards - I'm almost positive it's because there was a series of text books called PLP. It stood for the Primary Learning Package, or something. I don't know, I just know there was a drawing of a frog on the cover. Thanks, Richard.)
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Dec 22 2003 by Jon Blyth, Richard Edwards