The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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fub
A fat useless bastard. More common nationally than you might expect, this word contains the two Atkinson / Elton letters of comedy, "f" and "b". This explains why the words "baffle" and "boffin" are so popular, and why "Baby Bumfluff" is the most popular children's cartoon of the 1970s.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
Phil, I love you dearly for trying, but you're talking out of your arse. Style over substance is the classic bleat of the loser. I use it today to defend my Gamecube, and I know I'm lying.
The theme music to C64 classics Monty Mole : Impossamole, Metrocross and Bounder alone are sufficient cause to ditch your rubber keyboards. And I don't care if the first spaceships actually had less processing power than a ZX Spectrum - that's as effective a defence as Atari ST owners bleating about their built-in MIDI ports, and saying that KLF used one once.
Just as I never became a famous musician, I doubt many Spectrum owners ever became fucking astronauts.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
The act of rubbing your cheeks at someone, then gobbing in their face. For added authenticity, immediately fart on their leg then fall asleep. Tch! Men!
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
Dr Poo's primary mode of travelling through space and time.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
History : the remarkably preserved remains of Tollund Man did not initiate the holocaust.
English Literature : Shylock did not greet his friends with a hearty "Seig Heil".
Maths : x rarely equals Hitler.
Wayne Radford, I salute your efforts to address the impact of Hitler in modern society, but I genuinely feel your grades may have suffered because of it.
approved Sep 30 2003, submitted Sep 29 2003 by Jon Blyth
A combination of a squat thrust and a star jump that contains the word burp, which is a funny word because belching is funny.
approved Sep 28 2003, submitted Sep 28 2003 by Jon Blyth
Here is a guide for anyone wanting to tell their friends they fancy Luke Goss, or attack someone.

  1. Take a sheet of A4. Take the bottom left corner and fold it at 45 degrees so that the bottom side runs exactly along the right side. Cut off the redundant strip off paper that runs along the top. Fold across the other way to create an "X" in folds. The "X" should intersect at the centre of the square.
  2. Fold all four corners "A" in so that the points meet at the centre.
  3. Turn the sheet over. Fold all four corners "B" into the centre, as before.
  4. Fold over line C then unfold line C again (this will make the final stage easier), then fold over line D.
  5. You should now notice four slots, or flaps in one side. Put a thumb and finger of each hand into these slots, or flaps. Pinch together, and with some jiggling the creature should fall into shape.
  6. Decorate as appropriate.
approved Sep 26 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by Jon Blyth
Although the creature was never officially given a name, he could also be used as an Emu-esque attack pet. Drawing two eyes on him, and a dinky little tongue on the inside, he'd fondly nuzzle on the neck of your victim. Until a foul mood unexpectedly befell him, when his face would horrifically open sideways, seperating his eyes and revealing a set of vicious teeth. Then you would punch your victim with a paper fist, shouting "No, Duncan, NO! Leave him alone!"
approved Sep 26 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by Jon Blyth
Magic: The Gathering. No one would understand the rules for a couple of years, but the pictures were pretty and the 'flavour text' was often funny. Mostly, people would make their own cards up out of paper, usually something like Overlord Jeff that would destroy the other player instantly. Unless they had a piece of paper with Archdeacon Barney Rubble of the Yard written on it, which easily beat Overlord Jeff.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
Finally, because I am the most anal person in the world when it comes to intriguing maths things - and love - the only results I've found that will yield the maximum 99% (also demonstrating that love can never be a certainty) are 01202, 03006, 12021, 20210, 31105, 32007, 50113, 51015, 60030, 60106, 80016, and of course, 90009.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Jon Blyth
Matt, please don't give up. An alternate and more sensible working of this process would split the eleven in the last stage of the process to two individual ones. This would give you 7,1,1 - which brings you to a final love score of 82%. This is obviously the method to be preferred.
This explains why you loved Kylie despite your low score, and gives you a very real chance of getting your dick wet should you ever meet.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Jon Blyth
The end of a black man's cock.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by Jon Blyth
The Wallington Variation:
'Cos Uncle Ross is having a toss
And Uncle Frank is having a wank
And Auntie Flo is having a go
With Gran-dad!
It's worth noting that it's nearly always the Auntie who gets it on with Grandad in these scenarios. Other possibilities include Uncle Jim having a rim, Auntie Irene flicking her bean, and of course Diana Rigg having a frig.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by Mike Alexander, Jon Blyth
Lunchtime entertainment based as loosely as possible on the classic 80s arcade game Arkanoid.
Arkanoid was a posh version of Breakout, and involved moving a bat around to bounce a ball against some blocks.
Arkanoid didn't involve our class headcase chasing us around school trying to whack us around our shorts-trousered legs with a large ruler. This was known, unlike the game Arkanoid, which this doesn't resemble at all, as "crisping".
You were briefly immune from crisping when you stood on a desk. Arkanoid had no such safety zone. However, to maintain this safety, you had to jump from desk to desk, like in Donkey Kong. Not Arkanoid.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Aug 14 2003 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
This is a comment on the entry by ian henderson. i think you should take it off your site. it is not funny, but offensive, sneering and discriminatory.

Thank you.

Sorry, no. Hugs and kisses, from Log.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Aug 10 2003 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
NOW HEAR THIS. I WILL NOT TOLERATE UNPLEASANTNESS TO THE CONTRIBUTORS. IF IT'S SHIT, IT DOESN'T GO IN. WE DON'T PUT ENTRIES IN, THEN TAKE THE PISS. MUCH. SUSAN. SAY YOU'RE SORRY TO DYFRIG.
approved Jul 23 2003, submitted Jul 23 2003 by Jon Blyth
Classic urban fable, told with very little variation, although in this version the boy is listening to Beethoven's Fifth. Basically,
  • Boy decides to have immersive wank, using headphones and closing his eyes.
  • Boy masturbates to stringy completion.
  • Upon opening his eyes, a steaming cup of tea is next to his bed.
  • Boy deduces that mother has watched him wank.

A worse case scenario would be if the child opened his eyes on the vinegar strokes, saw his mother standing there, and having passed the point of no return, ejaculated onto his knee while they both stared at each other. A grubby little punctuation mark, sliding onto the linen.
approved Aug 19 2003, submitted Jul 17 2003 by Toilet Tax, Jon Blyth
This test was carried out by a gang of girls waiting just inside the classroom by the door. The leading girl has a ruler. All males entering will find a ruler being poked into genital area. Then, depending on your posture, they would should TIGHT (if you curled up protectively or seemed shy), or LOOSE (if you strode through manfully).
Why? The only explanation I can think of would be that striding in manfully implies that you have nothing to be ashamed of ie a large penis therefore you would be requiring a loose vagina. In this sense, its not a form of feminine intimidation, its simply a pragmatic allocation of available vaginas.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by Michael Dulieu, Jon Blyth
log
The name for a child so fat and ungainly that when he falls over, a quick-witted bully has the presence of mind to shout "timber", then pretend that the ground shook.
Technically an insult, should you carry the name into adulthood, you'll be surprised how many people assume you have a gigantic cock. Thanks, that bully!
approved Apr 20 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by Jon Blyth
A joystick-waggler game for the Atari ST, created by the Hot Spunk Crew.
Each level began with a sample from Jack Nicholson as The Joker, saying Gentlemen lets broaden our minds, after which you would immediately thrash your joystick from left to right. This action would animate one of a series of very short films, which included a bean-flicking incident and some hot three-way pixels.
Although obviously a humourous game, it was quite frustrating for people actually wanting to pleasure themselves, what with having your hands otherwise occupied. You could convince a friend to waggle the joystick for you; but if youre that close you might as well just toss each other off anyway.
Additional features include colour cycling for those who want to watch green fingers slide into a deathly grey vagina.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Jon Blyth