The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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Telling can also be used as an effective bullying device. Tell someone younger, smaller or nerdier than yourself that you are 'telling on them', despite the fact that they have done nothing wrong, and they will royally cack their pants and begin the word "but" around twenty times before hiding.
This technique also forms the foundation for a defense to a straight-forward "telling". Simply scream "telling" just as loudly, and start a race to the nearest teacher. Of course, if you make it to the teacher you'll have to make something up pretty quickly, or admit that you were both running around screaming "telling", which may reduce credibility in future games of "telling".
approved May 13 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
Yelled by a victim immediately after a strike to the testicles.
However, it takes the balls four seconds to switch from spunk and fuck mode to Christ, that hurts mode. So genuine testicle pain begins some time after the strike, leaving the poor man precious seconds of hope before the nausea, agony and red piss starts.
So, why the immediate awwwww!? Two possible reasons its either a desolate wail of the man who foresees his immediate future, and sees that it is bad. Or, theyre filthy eunuchs whove never known the true agony of the thwacked nut.
Girls! Think you have an equivalent pain to the white thud of the smashed bollock? Speaking on behalf of the boys, I dont think so. Convince me otherwise for a prize!
approved Apr 28 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by anonymous user, Jon Blyth
From New Zealand. Mock any embarrassing situation with the word shaaaaaaame, following by a stroking of the chin between thumb and forefinger.
Regional variations; Shamola!, where you rub the forefingers of either hand together, and oddly enough, in Wellington, of saying TAAAAAAAAY! and pulling a lower eyelid down.
(Shame in England can be accompanied by licking the finger and holding it to the shamed person's face. The heat of their embarrassment will cause the spit to "sizzle". Well, it won't, of course - that's why you have to shout "sizzle".

approved May 7 2003, submitted Feb 19 2003 by Jen Ferguson, Jon Blyth
When someone discovers this book, and manages to get past the relatively slow beginning, delight can be had from reading the filthiest passages (in particular, the famous rodent/vagina incident) to the more shy children. They will generally leave the room by the time he's sliced off the nipples and fucked the decapitated skull.
(Editor's note : Avoid the chapters which go into an in-depth appraisal of the careers of Whitney Houston and Genesis. They will generally not shock.)
approved Feb 25 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Andy Cowling, Jon Blyth
To allow the liquid from a can or bottle to re-enter the vessel, complete with some of your own saliva. The soft drink equivalent of bumkissing a spliff. Backwashing led to the often repeated statistic that the last 10% of any can of coke is 50% saliva. Plainly bollocks, as not everyone is a scabby backwashing bronno.
approved Feb 4 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Daniel Ward, Jon Blyth
Quite simply the coolest thing anyone could ever have. Apart from mag wheels. And the memorised code for infinite lives and level selection on Manic Miner.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 18 2003 by Jon Blyth
Any two big-teethed individuals who are stupid enough to hang around together, or even be seen together at any point. Named after the mildly popular Disney cartoon series.
A useful message therefore for people who are different. Try not to find someone who is different in the same way as yourself. Try to get a gang with a fat one, a clever one, a spotty one. Then ride around on mini-scooters and solve mysteries.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Dec 22 2002 by Buttocks Sweeting, Jon Blyth
The process of having to say "gee burt" or "neeyow, ernie" to work out which Sesame Street character was which. Thought process; "Im saying Gee Burt, so I must be Ernie its the cuter orange one who says Gee Burt, so Ernies the banana one. No hang on Burts the banana."
Settled once and for all with the memory jogging alliteration of Bert the Banana, Ernie the Orange.
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Jon Blyth
Taking the everyday "spazmo" as its base, the "mohican" aspect arises simply because its one of the few funny words that begin with mo. Fleacon combines the grotbags element of fleas with the heavyweight of spazmos, Joey Deacon himself.
In retrospect, quite a likeable insult.
approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Jon Blyth
Terence is a gay name. The River Trent runs through Nottingham. Derby is a neighbouring county to Nottingham, where the locals fuck trees, cows and sisters. Terence Trent D'Arby is therefore quite a potent insult, meaning the you live in a river, are gay, and fuck trees, cows and your sister.
approved Dec 13 2002, submitted Dec 12 2002 by Jon Blyth
A medical complaint where the nose becomes soggy and spreads sideways across the face. Used to insult anyone with larger than average nostrils.
The inventor had meant the insult to be a clever reference to the computer game company "Psygnosis". The fact that no-one realised this meant the insult caught on, and he wasn't delivered a beating for being a "spod".
approved Dec 12 2002, submitted Dec 12 2002 by Jon Blyth
Exclamation of surprise or delight. Also duetted with Elton John on the number one hit "Don't Go Breaking My Arse".
approved Dec 11 2002, submitted Dec 11 2002 by Jon Blyth
Graphics : 8 colours, including cyan and magenta. These two colours, part of the CMYK professional printing colour model, were presumably included to promote the use of the machine as a serious desktop publishing workhorse. Could not deal with more than two colours in any 8x8 "character" area of screen.
Sounds : sounds were made using the BEEP command, specifying pitch and duration. Basically a monophonic mobile phone. Best use of this method remains Manic Miner's rendition of "In The Hall Of The Mountain King".
Magazine : Crash
Main rival, and why it was shit : The Commodore 64. How people argued that the Spectrum was better - and they did - was beyond me. Both computers were shit; the Spectrum was shitter.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Look at that. We start and end with zocchihedrons. How circular life - and the zocchihedron - is.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I enjoyed "your mum" insults for a goodly while, and even made a quiz in which all the answers were "your mum" related. For instance, What furry animal communicates with a tiny dance? Your mum. What Is The Fastest Land Mammal? Your mum on a bike. How did Marc Bolan die? Your mum farted into his mouth. How much is a guinea and a florin worth? Two gob jobs off your mum. Et, cet, era.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A lie that is maintained for however long it is interesting; ie, until the victim has cried themself unconscious.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Mark Craig
Your hand is a fridge. Encourage a friend to open the fridge, and browse the many tiny and invisible bottles of milk. Gently goad them into removing one of the bottles of milk, and drinking it. When they do, look knowing and snigger, eventually telling them that they chose the bottle that you'd weed into. When I did this, the "joker" would put their hand over their face in absolute horror at the prospect, or perhaps because they had just said "wee". This leads me to believe we were quite young. Be careful, though - if they haven't mimed a swallow, they could spit your invisible wee back into your face.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Another defence, assuming that you are allowed to defend yourself without being swarmed by Yampy Bats, would be to hit the hand on the head, causing them to bite through the skin between thumb and forefinger. This evolutionary flaw probably explains the lack of Yampy Bats in adult life.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Pornography holds a strange place in my memory. The fact that I had no sexual interest in women dampened my desire to see red hot dutch lesbian action not one iota. The reaction to pornography, at least amongst my friends, was frantic disgust. Even the most mundane sexual act was greeted by my friends with an excited "euiur - is it in there? that must really smell," whereas I just felt a disheartening foreboding that one day I'd be doing this myself. More sinisterly, one day I would want to do this. My sex drive never developed to the hysterical toys and chemicals stage. In fact, most nights I can barely be bothered to lie there while someone else does all the work.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I wish, just for a day, that I could recapture the mindset that thinks that seeing a girl's knickers is ruder than seeing the actual beanhole. I think this would make me happy.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth