The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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The philanthropic children who check the perimeter of the gravel playground for worms who have become stranded, and are in dire peril of being trodden on. Worms are picked up and delivered promptly back to sweet diggable grass. Particularly dedicated worm patrollers may kiss the worms. This makes the worms happier.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The only drawback to this plan is that it assumes an innate desire to stick scissors in plug sockets. Most children probably don't waste much time thinking "I wish that socket wasn't so full of electricity, then I could stick these scissors in it."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
An ancient and well-regarded discipline of Kung Fu. As a close range system of combat, spinning and high kicks do not feature heavily. As such, a shit way of impressing your friends, even disregarding the partially accurate story that it was invented by a one-armed nun.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The instinctive cry of the RE teacher locked in a cupboard.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Moses
Well worn fart-blame transferral method, first documented in print in an episode of Johnny Fartpants around 1990.
The established order is;
"Whoever smelt it dealt it"
"Whoever denied it supplied it"
"Whoever made the rhyme committed the crime."
Despite some of the best minds in the world working day and night on the matter, no further possibilities have been found. These failures show the difficulties facing innovators; "Whoever tried to tell made the smell" (inelegant) "Whoever passed the buck gassed the truck" (only effective on trucks) "Whoever went to the trouble to needlessly place the blame, probably is responsible for the fart that started the game" (a little long)
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mazza , Jon Blyth
Flawed response to any insult. The planned exchange runs thusly:
Kid A: You're a gay.
Kid B: What you say is what you are.
Kid A: Touché! I am confounded.

One problem is the literal interpretation... leading to this improbable exchange:

Kid A: You're a gay.
Kid B: What you say is what you are.
Kid A: What, I'm a you're a gay?

The more fundamental problem is that you're allowing the other person to say "Oh, in that case, fantastic sexy stud man train driver". Imperfect and to be avoided.
approved Dec 19 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Makes Your Balls Shrink
I was told, and believed, that wanking used up bits of your balls, and therefore every wank would make your balls shrink a little. When they finally disappeared, you would be unable to support life, and would die. Rather than making me relish each wank, this made me frantically wank at every opportunity, using the same logic that convinces fat people that eating things quickly reduces the body's ability to absorb the calories.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Makes You Blind
If you wank into your own eyes and do not rinse, wanking can make you go blind. This is bad, as you need your eyes to wank if you're going to get the spunk out in under 30 seconds. "Thinky Wanks" take longer and are not worth it.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A handkerchief set aside for exclusive wanking use. Also "spunky wankerchief" - a freshly used wankerchief. A hanky used after a single badly-planned wank, and then returned to normal handkerchief duties, is not a wankerchief.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Adrian Lamb
This story was told to me by Jim, a friend at my first year at university. I was sceptical at the story, and became more sceptical with every new depth. Then Jim showed me the video they had made of the Vogue Master, and I had no choice but to believe. Any inaccuracies can be blamed on the passage of ten years since I watched the video. Stockport. 1990. Madonna had rocketed the Vogue phenomenon from black gay disco into drunken slapperland. One young man, not the most popular boy in his year, became entranced with the hypnotic fluid roboticism of the dance, and confided in one of his more sympathetic colleagues. "Jim. I'm not a good looking bloke. There's only one way I'm going to get the girls, and that's by learning to vogue." Receiving nothing but encouragement from Jim, our man spent night after night practising in a basement. He emerged, months later, with a radiant confidence that was only let down by his utter inability to vogue. And still, he received nothing but encouragement from his friends, who told him they were so impressed that they wanted to make a video of him. The video contained classic moments; Vogue Master cupping his head in his hands and demanding "What You Lookin' At?", a manager describing his plans for this one man miracle, interviews with adoring female fans, and best of all, a Teen Wolf moment of the Vogue Master dancing on the roof of a white van, driving in very slow circles around the college car park. Copies of the video sold very well. I just wish I had a copy of the video to show you all. I also wish I'd kept in touch with Jim; a man who was wasted on Town Planning. Apparently the Vogue Master came to his senses in 1991, and no longer likes to talk about this period of his life.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
5318008 : Boobies
55378008 : Boobless
7100553 : Esso Oil
71077345 : Shell Oil
37183045 : Shoe Bile
45084518 : Bish Bosh
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Willis , Jon Blyth
A film studied during our GCSE English Literature course, which contained an inexplicable 10 second sex scene. None of us knew how it added to the plot or imagery of the film, although we were all eager to reference it in our essays. "No one was very good at maths because sir kept having sex scenes," for example.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Slightly imaginative name for wedgies, or chadding. A cross between Uncle Fester and Vesta packet meals. Uncle Vesta went on to host a series of Gory Stories. We never wrote the Gory Stories, but we did enjoy saying "Uncle Vesta's Gory Stories" in low voices.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Based on the popular Punt/Dennis nostalgia confection, the Screwball, which was a cone of ice cream with a ball of chewing gum in the nib. Lucky children sometimes found two balls of chewing gum, less fortunate children had their nuts twisted on the floor.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
This echoes a young belief in Nottingham, that a twat was either (i) a pregnant goldfish or (ii) a very silly twit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The school tricycle? Riding the tricycle, a playtime reward? Are you making this up, A.?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
One step up from the wood block. Conceivably just as boring, the only fun that could be had from the triangle was by watching the clumsier members of the class set the instrument spinning with a clumsy strike on the side. Trying to stop it with their "beater", they would end up making a loud out-of-sync ting.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Mark Clay
Trevor is the standard name by which tramps are known. Replace the X with the surname of the person you are insulting for a highly personalised Trevor insult. For example, if you are insulting Chris Holmes; "Ooww, Trevor Holmes, can't afford no food, lives in a skip, Trevor Holmes." This could conceivably be sung to the tune of Particle Man, by They Might Be Giants.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
for the child who is intensely competitive but too fat to play sport, there is the Transform-a-Snack race. Packets cost 10p a bag, and up to three bags could be used in any one race. The game is played while walking rapidly, and an adjudicator is required to apply improvised penalties should a crisp fall on the floor. Conceivably, more than three bags could be used, but after three bags of rapidly eaten Transform-A-Snacks, the roof of your mouth is painfully tattered, and it becomes a test of endurance rather than speed.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The yanking of, and sometimes swinging from, a fellow student's tie until the knot is irreversibly wee. This is known as a "small tie", and only becomes a "the bells, the bells" if you say so, in Quasimodo's voice. The only reported defence is a remedial measure rather than preventative, and involves a safety pie in the back of the tie that can be used as a lever to uncomplicate the knot.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Jarry Hughes