The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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I only know what whetstone, kindling, and trestle tables are because of Erik The Viking. And the fastest thing I can type - to this day - is say to thorin "carry me", thanks to The Hobbit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
You will need : sunlight, watch. The object: to reflect sunlight from your watch onto the testicles of the unsuspecting teacher. If he is wearing clothes, aim at the crotch of his trousers. Divert your beam away from the teacher once he has begun to suspect that the entire class is laughing at his nob. Conceivably, if everyone in the class did the same thing, you could set the teachers testicles on fire. In larger classes, you could sear through the testicles as a laser.
approved Aug 14 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
If you see some geniune badness, and you are very young or naive, then your mouth will drop open, your eyes widen, and the only word you will be able to summon is a breathless "tell-ing". Then you will run in a random direction until you hit something.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Every school has these, so a brief rundown of Arnold Hill; Mr Heeley, made to cry after relentless taunts about his sexuality. As you can imagine, this didn't help the situation at all. Mr Manicom, who returned to work full of life after a kidney operation, to find that children had become no kinder or more understanding, and died weeks later. Mrs Greaves was a balding woman, which was curious enough to be commented upon, again and again (although we were too young to think of "chemo-sabe" as a cunning nickname - that came later).
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Without entering into the class divide, anyone running across a field screaming Tally Ho! is begging for beating round are way. Then again, I did sing "Great minds think alike, do they not, my friend?" without getting beaten up, so perhaps Comps were more tolerant than I remember.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
"Ta ra ra bum di ay,
my knickers flew away,
They came back yesterday,
Ta ra ra bum di ay."
This unusual narrative casts aside the traditional form of beginning, middle, end, by leaving out the middle section that can be so boring to people with low attention spans. The knickers are gone - the knickers are back. However, the repetition of the first line in the last reminds us that it is a constant cycle, and no sooner have one person's knickers returned, than another pair have flown away.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The moment a classroom is first exposed to The Macc Lads is hugely edifying. It's a real South Park "Asses Of Fire" moment, when the bar just seems ever so slightly raised.

"She's like a tub of lard / she makes my willy hard"

Sweaty Betty propounds the Rubenesque aesthetic, flying bravely in the face of the modern preoccupation with weight loss. Sadly, this embracing attitude didn't extend to the gay community, in the song "Now He's A Puff".

"He's going to spread AIDS all over the world / Kill the bastard"

Their most recent song of 2006 - 21 years after the seminal "Beer & Sex & Chips n Gravy" explains how different parts of the Macc Lads' bodies are English.

approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Twat, somewhat less convincingly, can be used to mean a pregnant goldfish. An insult that is in common use in Egypt, along with "may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lu Borley, Jon Blyth
Verbal trap. Asking a victim if he wanted something, you would then deny him with a rhyme. eg: Do you want a sweet? Yes Suck my feet! Do you want some jelly? Yes Suck my belly! Do you want a hat? Not really Suck my cat! Do you want a punch? No Eat my lunch! O.K. Oh.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston, Jon Blyth
Variation of tig (also tag, dobby), where the person who's been tigged (also tagged, dobbed) has to stand still, and can only be freed by having someone crawl through their legs. The only reason anyone would risk their own mobility by attempting this is (a) if they are your friend, (b) if they are desperately unpopular and think maybe that you will thank them for it later, or (c) if the bristle of thigh and calf against shoulder is something of a thrill to them.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Bibbings, Jon Blyth
Put a coin on the ground. When someone goes to pick it up, stamp on their hand. Valuable coins are more attractive bait, but if it's a copper, you can perform a jew-stomper combo. Then, at least, you are taking the moral high ground, protecting us all from a league of jews who are trying to take over the world by picking up one and two pence pieces.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ad , Jon Blyth
A very stupid and irresponsible thing to leave lying around a primary school, especially one in which the eminently bulliable Patrick Sears is a pupil. A remnant from the Sports Day, and the humourous "throw sponges at a teacher" stall, the stocks were left ... in the playground. This frightening oversight led to much pain on the part of Patrick Sears. We didn't have sponges to hand, unfortunately, but we improvised admirably with pebbles. "They've got Patrick in the stocks!" was the excited cry, and I may be wrong, but the teachers were very slow to react.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Named after the bad letter in Diddy David Hamilton's game show "All Clued Up", this is the name given to a boy who has been circumcised. It may or may not be followed by an emulation of the electric timpani sound effect that the quiz show used. Important note : the insultee does not have to be circumcised for the insult to work. All they have to be is embarrassed. A more basic circumcision insult is BT. As in "I've been cut off".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The surname Stevenson is shortened to Stevo, re-lengthened to Steve Ovett, Garfield's vet is called Liz, short for Lizard, the aliens were lizards in V, VD, D-Day, Day of the Dead. Therefore, Stevo, you're dead. So there.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A farting Catch 22.
1. A high pitched squeaky fart is the product of an arse which is substantially blocked up with cum. Real men do deep, rumbling farts, so free from spunk are the caverns of their anus.
2. A "squeaker" is the sign of a tight, virginal arsehole, unprodded by Big Ron. Meaty biffers were direct evidence that your arse had seen action, and was ragged around the edges.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely, Jon Blyth
Also a bubble forming in a trough full of spunk, because ill-mannered children are blowing into it through straws.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Children who excelled at sport. The derision with which this name was delivered justified the sloth of hundreds of fat kids, like myself, who had just got a Commodore 64 and didn't really want to be running around.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A male born with no kind of genitals whatsoever. Possibly, we decided, based on the resemblence of the bare groin to the smooth, featureless... shiny... back of a spoon. Just another thought; this may be based on the sexless but affectionate practice of spooning; presumably, anyone choosing to simply hug their partner in bed must be some kind of cockless neuter.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Incredibly spurious nickname for a boy who has received a sponge bath from a girl. The nickname itself makes enough sense, but for the love of mercy, what are twelve year olds doing giving each other sponge baths? They should be at least sucking each other off.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
See also dead heat in a zeppelin race, two ferrets fighting in a sack, two bald men. But not in this list.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bourne , Jon Blyth