The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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I'd forgotten this - it's true, so true. He never shared his two litre bottle of coke. If you asked him for some, he'd clutch it to his chest, and whine "I neeed it!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Is to spazmo as cuboid is to cube. That is to say, some of the sides are of different lengths, but... every face is a rectangle... only with spazmos.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Also a good trick for getting a pint of real ale changed; simply offer your pint to the barman to smell, having placed your finger up your arse. Offer him to smell the beer with your finger under his nose... a change of beer and a profuse apology. Resist the temptation to complete the snaf-tache.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
"Smell my cheese", the bully would invite. Cheese famously smelling delicious, you would eagerly bend over to the waiting fist, anxious to see if there is a tiny cube of fragrant cheese concealed within. As you get closer, you become suspicious. There's no cheese here... and then, the bully would punch you in the nose. A pleasing variant of this is when the bully adds "Smell my cheese, would you?" and walks off huffily, as though you've offended him mightily. You are the victim of another imaginary foodstuff. See also "You just drank my wee".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt Fasham, Jon Blyth
A sidney home with more than five floors.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A summer game. When the grass has grown, choose an area of ground for your Sidney Home. Gather some friends (or people who like spitting), and get them to hack up a load of greenies onto the plot. Cover this with ripped up grass, and repeat. Once you are happy with your home, and have enough friends to feel safe, throw someone weak onto the Sidney Home. Usually Patrick Sears.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I saw a pleasant version of shit sticks at a bus stop in Burnage. A shit had either been lain, or moved, onto the bus stop seat, and a half-smoked cigarette had been stubbed slightly off-centre. Having a hangover, I burst out laughing the second I saw the 'piece'. No-one else at the bus stop seemed to get it, though.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Before repetition lent the clich some meaning, I thought the advert for Dempsey and Makepeace, which contained the line "she's as cool as a cucumber" was surrealist nonsense. Thinking I'd learned a new funny phrase, I took it into my active vocabulary without question. So when I nodded intelligently in primary school and noted that Miss Kaveska was as cool as a cucumber, thinking it was a joke, I must have sounded a right little turd. Ah well.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Largely non-malicious game of obstruction and irritation. When someone is trying to get through a crowded seating area, and the seated people set about obstructing them as annoyingly as possible with their legs. This may not sound particularly harsh or amusing, but is surprisingly difficult to escape if the legs maintain a downward pressure. The combination of "walking through treacle" and "double gravity" can often lend a pleasing edge of panic to the victim's face. Endless repetition, as is so often the case, may result in tears. (cf doccer kill)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Post-spastical name for people who were spastics before The Spastics Society changed their name in a bid to stop people calling spastics spastics. We didn't lose a word for spastic, we gained one. And it was scoper.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Loz , Jon Blyth
The distinction between the French words "saucisson" and "saucissez", acording to the Tricolore books, is that one was a "continental" sausage. I have not heard this expression since I was eleven, and any requests for continental sausage in the Co-Op have met with a stony indifference. It did however, form the basis of a bilingual song; "continental sausage / continental sausage / continental sausage / je suis!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Also, using a Ouija Board in an attic (spirits being fond of attics), which would always spell out three quarters of a swear word before someone asked who was pushing it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
sam
A speech synthesis programme on the Commodore 64 that provides me to this day with my comical "robot malfunction" voice. Oh, you should hear me. I'm such a one.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Also in this category are flat and unwavering denials of a blatant truth, such as the colour of your hair, or whether you have buttoned up your shirt one button off.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Note similarity between rescue squadron and plot for Impossible Mission 2.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
3-2-1 spoonerism that I cannot believe didn't occur to me when it may have been topical. Or funny.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Another of the mystical acts, such as felching, and squicking. Simply to clear the air, my understanding of a rainbow kiss is that the man gives the lady a mouthpiece when she is subscribing to the monthly rags. After a certain time, he rears up his head and kisses the lady, who doesn't appear to mind that she is being fed her own chewed up placenta. Why this is a rainbow kiss is somewhat confusing. Red, for the blood, obviously. Yellow, for the wee-wee. But green, purple, blue? I should be concerned.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Only certain children are capable of achieving the rage. It is the state where you are empowered by two silver lines of snot running from your nose to your mouth. Once this bionic power feed is broken, the child will lose their powers and become sullen, sorry, and somewhat confused at the chaos that surrounds them.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Pantsboy
Anybody else have a comparative career development? Did you take the Cascade Form and actually become a blacksmith? And if the program actually recommends blacksmithery, did anyone get advised to become a Knight's Squire, or a Sales Assistant at the local Apothecary?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
cor - which internet do you manage?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth