The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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Any point on the human body which, when jabbed by the fingers of someone who has attended two Kung Fu classes, will cause collapse, haemorrhaging, and eventual death. This would be the typical itinerary of such a course; Dr Bodycount's Dark Dojo "Dead Men Don't Punch Back" Three Week Black Belt Course In Human Murder Week 1 : Introductions : Stances : Stretching Week 2 : Instant Death Spot : Refreshments Week 3 : Roundhouse kicks : Swords : Graduation
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
This survives in a different form amongst adults. When you're in a skaggy student nightclub, you can deter the "I'm so poor I steal beer and there's no such thing as theft actually, if anything you stole that beer from society in the first place and I'm just reclaiming it" wankers by leaving untended pint pots of your piss around the place, and waiting, hoping, praying, that some cunt will steal it. I'm sorry - I just turned into Punt and Dennis.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The painless insertion of a pin under a layer of dead skin on the fingertip. Experts can manage ten pinfingers without accidentally popping one out. This leaves the pinfinger able to do little other than wave their hands at people and say "look look " to people they hope will be impressed. (Log)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
We did this on grass, but I couldn't agree more about the homo-eroticism. I used to throw myself quite heartily into these melees, usually just after Chris Hackett.
approved Dec 11 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
"My dad's a banker" "I was born on a pirate ship" "Two cows went up the hill and parted" Both are magically transformed if you put a finger in each side of your mouth and pull your cheeks apart when you say them.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Hugh Morrisson, Steve McDonald, Jon Blyth
Thank you, you can go back to being a solicitor now, Paul. Must you have the career and rob me of my credibility on the internet? This is the only place I exist, you merciless swine!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Was it? Blimey.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Obscure allusion to homosexuality. The idea is that you go to Albert Square market to buy bananas from Pete Beal, and put them in a bowl. Instead of eating them, however, you put them up your arse.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Urban Myth. Young man, overcome with stress, puts a pencil up either nostril during an exam and brings his head down on the desk. The pencils go into his brain, killing him instantly.

The rumour that everyone in the room gets compensated for their mental trauma by getting a free A* means that most people have the vague, unspoken idea that witnessing a suicide would be fucking brilliant.
approved Jun 1 2005, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jimbob N, Jon Blyth
How could one person manage to be so feeble, yet so resilient? Patrick Seers is a paradox. The school's most prominent geek, he was the person that the regular geeks used as a cushion to reduce their own noise on the bully radar.

It was as heartbreaking as it was unstoppable. Patrick Seers. Bullied 8 hours a day, five days a week, for 5 years. Patrick Seers. Even the usual sympathetic types kind of gave in after two minutes of civil conversation, coming away with the sense that he did, somehow, deserve it. He played the euphonium.

He has also survived to become someone that exists, seems successful, and has - from limited Facebook snooping - developed a good circle of friends.

Just goes to show. It really does get better. And not just for the gay ones. For Patrick Seers.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Two things - other amusing "all-rhyming names" are Big Horny Beaver (Sigourney Weaver) and Prick Fuck Balls (Mick Hucknall, from Pimply Head). Also, this is presumably the new 5th Year, and not the one that meant you were 15, when I were a lad
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Inform your target that new medical research has found a genetic link between the size of your hands, and the probability that you will develop cancer in later life. The details of the research are obviously very complicated, but it boils down to a simple rule of thumb; if your hand is bigger than your face, then you're very likely to develop cancer. The immediate instinct is for your victim to immediately check by placing their hand over their face, allowing you to slap their palm hard into their face. This is actually very painful, and runs the risk of hitting the secret Kung-Fu instant death spot, which shoots the nose backwards into the brain.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Basketball : Any self regulating sport doesn't really need a teacher watching it - sit in the staff room and let the little bastards sort it out themselves. Maintain a professionalism by occasionally nipping in, blowing a whistle, and shouting a random surname.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Run to the wall and back: I can't be arsed. Run to the wall and back.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Prefix to an insult. Should be said in the voice of Henry's Cat. Replaces unmanageable sentences with an effective build-up, and reduces the chances of an interruption or retort. Long form : Well at least I don't live in a skip. Abbreviates to : Ooww, Trevor...
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Another variant is the slightly more sophisticated "Can I just interrupt you there?" and when they say "Yes" you say "Thanks", and walk off. This is slightly irritating, however, to people who heard Saturday Night Fry on Radio 4 in 1988, formed a strong bond with the programme, only to hear other people you had lent the tape to saying lines from it and passing it off as their own. I went up to them, and said "your behaviour is like a bad underpant - transparent and unclean."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A non-alcoholic attack where you punch your victim from both sides, in either kidney.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A thick and glutinous ejaculation, which is slightly yellow in colour, and alcoholic. Coined after an English lesson demonstration of how to make Egg-Nog, which was all very exciting because we had booze in the classroom. We were allowed to have tiny sips and pretend to be drunk.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
For some reason, this is a very funny thing to say when you and your friends are on acid, and logic slips vaguely back into place for a moment. This isn't a playground thing, it's just something I wanted to share. If it encourages children to take acid, all the better. Anybody got any spare acid?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A playful, yet painful, pinch and twist motion on the nipple. aka tit-nip.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth