The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
matronboy ngggg.
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Also the name given to a retaliatory attack following a fart. A cry of 'beats!' would be the call to arms for those nearby (the fartees) to quickly deliver painful blows to the farter's face, chest and lower torso, and so the previously disrupted moral equilibrium of the playground was restored (although the amount of 'beats' were probably never entirely proportional to the offensiveness of the fart).

More devious students would carry out controlled, easily transferable farts in the company of an individual for whom they concealed intense and sinister hatred. This would allow for a beating to be administered without revealing any dark, evil intentions/repressed sexual feelings to the victim.
approved Nov 12 2005, submitted Nov 10 2005 by anonymous user, matronboy ngggg.
Sonny Moston was a hard bastard, who, even at the age of nine, would not think twice before ramming your head between the bars of the climbing frame. His particular punishment for me was more simple - an endless labelling of myself as 'gay'.
In a move that still shocks me to this day, I decided that the only way I could end this torture was to 'become gay', thereby somehow negating any further comments. Why call someone gay if everyone knows they are?
I announced my new found sexuality to Sonny by kissing my best mate David on the cheek. David ran away, but Sonny remained. I then 'came on' to him, by approaching him and making 'kissy' noises with my mouth. This was all too much for Sonny. He ran away and cried - and never came near me again.
Interestingly enough, David, my then unwilling partner in gayness is just about to graduate as a fashion designer. Sonny's sexuality remains unknown.
approved Jun 11 2005, submitted Jun 7 2005 by matronboy ngggg.
Classic junior school hymn featuring the line "I was cold, I was naked, were you there, were you there?" in verse three.

In the tabloid-fury-inducing PC establishment of my school, the thought of a classroom of pre-pubescent children singing about being naked was obviously too paedophilic, so we were enthusiastically encouraged to "sing verses 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6!"

Unless, of course, they banned verse three to avoid having to calm down a hundred giggling girls who otherwise wouldn't have stopped for a good hour afterwards.
approved Jan 19 2004, submitted Nov 29 2003 by matronboy ngggg.
I'm sure the word 'testicles' is in the Bible some where. Can anyone back me up here? Maybe I just read 'Genesis' and thought it said 'genitals'.
Thanks for your Bible query, Jamie. A quick search of has just thrown up the fact that the word testicles does not appear in the Bible. Other slightly sexy books of the Bible you might be getting confused are Sexodus, Bumbers, Gaymos, or Bonah - Log)
approved Dec 10 2003, submitted Nov 29 2003 by matronboy ngggg.
It was first said in an Edward Albee play. The American Dream, in 1961. Don't thank me. I'll make my own way out.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 14 2003 by matronboy ngggg.