The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Nathaniel Tapley
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James Ward was very short. James Ward was very strange. He often used to mumble obscenities during lessons, or storm out of classrooms arguing with himself.

When he failed to get a mark he thought respectable in spelling, he committed suicide.

He did this by standing on the bottom step in the playground, and announcing in a loud voice: "I hate you all, and I'm going to die." He then plummeted the eight or so inches to the asphalt below, and lay motionless.

He remained motionless for the rest of break, no matter how many people kicked him or stole things from his pockets, because, you see, he was dead. At least until break-time ended.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Apr 22 2004 by Nathaniel Tapley
What you have to write if you suggest, during a House Debate, that you are having sexual relations with the Pope.

You should also mention in your letters that you now appreciate that the word 'git' is not appropriate for such a forum, even if it was used to describe Mussolini.
approved Feb 6 2004, submitted Jan 24 2004 by Nathaniel Tapley
The subject of spina bifida is, of course, best approached through the singing of the popular song "Spina man":
Spina Man, Spina Man,
Does Whatever a Spina can...

Whatever Spinas can do, for the purposes of this song, is gurgle, flail, and roll around. So you should do that.
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted Jan 20 2004 by Nathaniel Tapley
My name's an anagram of "an anal elephant deity", but no-one at school was very interested. They preferred punching my face to engaging in amusing word play.
approved Oct 21 2003, submitted Oct 20 2003 by Nathaniel Tapley