The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Matt King
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Basis of the bullying of Anthony Loucaides. We would jeer, point and kick him, whilst singing The Police song. When we sang "What's it like walking on the moon?" we would all then ruffle his hair. This would usually provoke a brutally violent response on his part as he lashed out wildly with wind-milling arms screaming "I don't know; I've never been there". In hindsight, this was an adequate and fair response. It did not prevent further puerile brutality however.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
I was caught writing on a desk. I was trying to write "SEX ORGY", but sensing trouble I scratched out "SEX" and left "ORG" unfinished. At the end of the class the teacher approached my desk and read "ORG" and then asked if I was trying to write "ORC", assuming I was a Dungeons and Dragons type. Loathe to get caught out for writing a dirty word, I confessed to be being a D&D fan. I then had to sandpaper all the desks in the class. One of the lowest moments in my life.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
Something I; (a) should not have asked Justin after his mum had died of cancer; and (b) should not have repeated to my mum when I enquired why Justin had run away crying? I was only about 5 or 6 so give me a break.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
Oh Come Let Us Adore Him = Oh Come Let Us Ignore Him
Christ The Lord becomes Christ, I'm Bored
Gracious Spirit, Holy Ghost becomes Gracious Spirit, Beans on Toast
Peace is flowing like a river...flowing out of you and me... becomes... well, I think you can guess this one...
We are climbing Jesus' ladder becomes = for ladder, read penis
I close my eyes, drew back the curtains becomes = why not draw back your foreskin?
All dicks bright and beautiful, all creatures grunt and smell
Jesus Christ the Apple Tree, said with a different emphasis, becomes a startled exclamation of surprise.
Service to the loving, honour to the dead becomes bollocks to the Head
Our Father, Who Art In Heaven, Harold By Thy Name
'Blessed are those that come in the House of the Lord', swap House for Mouth
God rest you jerry mental men
do re mi so fa la ti do = dirty asshole farty old soul
Cross over the road my friend,
ask the lord his cock to bend,
hi-is penis knows no end,
cross over the road.
and for the catholics...
benedicta tu becomes benny's dick tattoo
clarior usta rogo becomes clarior usta bollocks (?) and you have to say usta as though you are climaxing. Naturally.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James McCormack, Christopher Huxley, Michele , Joe S., Garth , Matt King, Alex Carter, Ben Austwick, Jon Blyth
The children of divorced parents generally react well to the implication that they caused the divorce because they were an unwanted child, and that neither parent wanted custody.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
ayatollah, ayatollah! : after winning an agument, you have "sussed" your opponent, and may run around combing your imaginary ayatollah's beard. Should a friend be at hand, they may grab at your chin, then run off, extending your invisible beard to unimaginable lengths before somebody cuts it off.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King