The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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The itinerary of every week at some schools;
Monday's Marriage Day
Tuesday's Toes Day
Wednesday's Wedding Day
Thursday's Divorce Day
Friday's Flip Up Day
Monday
The first person of the opposite sex you touched that day, would be your "spouse" for the week. This of course was dreadful for the girls - imagine not getting the husband you wanted! And dreadful for the boys, who still felt they had to play the field.
Tuesday
You *had* to walk around on your heels all day with your toes pointing up. If anyone saw your feet flat on the ground, they would stomp the them. The only thing that made this awkward and painful day bearable was keeping a lookout for other people's feet to smash.
Wednesday
Wedding day. Exactly the same as Monday. This is what happens when you let us girls take too much of a role in inventing games.
Thursday
Divorce Day. Although optional, everyone would get divorced on this day - no-one wanted to be married over the weekend. Enjoy your four days of freedom, boys - because on Monday, you will be married again.
Friday
Flip Up Day. The boys' contribution to the week. On Friday, the boys would become the "lezzes", and would flip up the hem of any girl wearing a skirt, exposing their underwear. The boys, being lezzes, would take sexual pleasure from this. Eventually the girls stopped wearing dresses on Friday, and the lezzes tried flipping up our shirts. At this stage, Flip-Up Friday developed quickly into Friday Fuck Off, where boys attempting to fondle freshly divorced girls were met with a swift kick in their lesbian bollocks.
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Feb 9 2005 by Name Withheld
We had a teacher who had obviously spent far too much time in the sixties and thought it was a good idea to teach us that meanings of words were subjective. "If you don't MEAN it to have a bad meaning, then it DOESN'T!", he would say.
He went on to say that if we said the word 'fuck', and didn't mean 'intercourse', then the word would be meaningless. Which naturally resulted in our entire fifth grade class saying 'fuck' endlessly.
The best part of it all was the fact that if any other teachers heard us and became upset, we could honestly tell them that Mr. Walter had told us it was OK. This eventually resulted in Mr. Walter taking an extended leave of absence. Fuck.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Feb 8 2005 by Name Withheld
Some people are urban legend magnets. I knew one girl who'd been accused of getting a frozen weiner "stuck up there" one week, and clearly didn't learn her lesson, as the next week she tried to entice her dog up there with peanut butter.
You'd think the dog would've been happy enough to eat the weiner out, but no - this girl had put the fucking kitchen up there by the time we'd finished.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Jan 22 2004 by Name Withheld
Very old teachers - it was rumoured - wore adult diapers. To test this theory, hold your breath as the teacher walks past your seat; if you can hear crinkling, then they are wearing diapers.
If you can't hear crinkling, they must be wearing some new space-age diaper where they've fixed the crinkling issue.
approved Dec 23 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Name Withheld
A: Want some gum?
B: Ooh, yes, please.
A: CHEW MY BUM!!!!

Presumably the victim is too shocked by the voracity of the comeback to take you up on the offer.
approved Dec 29 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Name Withheld
Walk around a crowded playground, saying "tik tik tik tik tik" at every child you walk past. When walking by your victim, simply shout "B'NEH!".
You then may have to inform your victim that you have an idiot detector, otherwise they might just assume you are being retarded.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Name Withheld
A way of tormenting a victim with no outstandingly bullyable attributes.
The bullies would run around the playground, pick a target and scream:
What we say is what you are -
you're a NAKED BOOBIE STAR!

In retrospect, there are far worse insults than that. And in all fairness, some of them have indeed gone on to become naked boobie stars. Who's laughing now?
approved Dec 22 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Name Withheld