The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Peter Gasston
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A trick that is easy to do, but tricky to explain over the internet when you can't be arsed to draw a diagram.

1) Put your hands together as if you were going to play the slapsies.

2) A friend then does the same.

3) Both parties split fingers as though Vulcans saying "live long and prosper". Warning - don't actually say "live long and prosper" or the sexiness of what is about to happen will be compromised.

4) The party wishing to see a magical vagina should rotate his hands ninety degrees along the finger axis, and mesh his fingers with his friend.

5) By opening up his palms, Boy A can now see a beautifully shaven and 100% realistic vagina.

6) An extra frisson of naughtiness can be gained from doing this with a girl and reaching in for a little lick.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tom L, Peter Gasston
Used when denying someone a pleasure. Based on "tough luck", or "tough shit". Most prevalently used on or after road safety day. "Tufty Club!" you shout.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Verbal trap. Asking a victim if he wanted something, you would then deny him with a rhyme. eg: Do you want a sweet? Yes Suck my feet! Do you want some jelly? Yes Suck my belly! Do you want a hat? Not really Suck my cat! Do you want a punch? No Eat my lunch! O.K. Oh.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston, Jon Blyth
Our German textbooks were narrated by a talking sausage. Enterprising young men - ie everyone - would draw a line across and a line down, ensuring German was taught to following years by a cock in lederhosen.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Dada-ist alteration of the phrase "Front Windows Do Not Open", as seen on the top deck of the school bus.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Gommel was an insult meaning spastic. Rommel was a German general. Gecochtes Ei is German for Boiled Egg. "Rommel the Gommel and his Gecochtes Ei" is just... funny.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Satirical verse coming in two forms. Either;
Jesus Christ, Superstar
Went round the corner on a Yamaha (also Jaguar, motor car)
Did a skid,
Killed a kid,
Went back to heaven on a dustbin lid.
The idea that Jesus would come to Earth, cause death by reckless driving, then return to heaven - naturally enough - on a flying dustbin lid, was cheerfully sacreligous. Another version;
Jesus Christ, Superstar,
Wears frilly knickers and a Wonderbra
Was more directly and punishably blasphemous.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
This was also sung as: In the jungle with Jeffery and Bungle, Zippy bit my foot (ow!) In the jungle with Jeffery and Bungle, Zippy bit my foot (ow!) I limp away, I limp away, I limp away... etc
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Another way of choosing who's 'It'. As well as the more mundane 'Eenie Meenie Minie Mo', there was the one about Inky Pinky Lane, and the my personal favourite, illy dilly dog's willy.
Illy Dilly Dog's Willy
Inside Out
Press A Little Button
And the shit flies... OUT!
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
"If you put water in the freezer you get iced water. What do you get if you put ink in the freezer?" "Iced ink" "Yes, you do stink! Ha ha ha!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
The cry of The Bumblers. Basically, The Bumblers spoke in a high, loud voice and said "Hulla Mulla" a lot. Sadly, they weren't characters in a children's story. They - or rather, he - went to my school.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Corruption. The German phrase for "Cheers then" at the end of a formal letter is "Viel Spass". Pronounced Feel Spaz. Ha ha.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
A particularly obnoxious fart that moves throughout the room, causing as much panic as a bubbling puddle of liquid AIDS.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Exclamation of incredulity. "Tommy Cooper's dead!" - "FUCK a DUCK!" A bowdlerized version spawned the fairground "Hook A Duck" stalls, in which you win a goldfish with athlete's foot coming out of its arse.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston, Jon Blyth
Secular assembly song. The line "West Virginia, mountain momma" was all too easily changed to "Wet Vagina, mounting momma"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Imaginary kidnappers who kidnap children in order to show them their boobs. The Boob Lady game was a popular one. We played it a lot.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
A mentalist. Barrow Gurney was the name of the Psychiatric Hospital near Bristol, and became a generic term of abuse. The name was perfect - the natural face of the spastic being a happy gurn, and their primary mode of transport being the wheelbarrow. The second word should be drawn out: Barrow Guuuuuurney!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
One way of getting a lorry driver to sound his airhorn is to scream "airhorn" at them. This is more effective if you are severely disabled, and it is good etiquette to wheel away in delight upon hearing the horn. At least, that is the precendent set by local cripple Dale Kaye, who invented the practice and is therefore entitled to invent whatever rules he likes.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Batty Book Titles are those things that pretend to be real books, but the author is a pun. e.g., "Fell Out The Window" by Eileen Dover. Nicholas Gandolfo never quite got the hang of these, so came up with "Space Rocket Take Off" by 54321 Liftoff. Which is sort of getting towards the idea, even taking into account that he missed the point totally.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston