The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Craig Hudson
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This taunt can be used against a teacher in the following circumstances;
a) You are in a school which teaches Classics.
b) Your classics teacher has recently crashed the school minibus.
c) Part of your lesson involves delining Latin verbs on the blackboard. In particular nomen, the final form of which is nominibus.
Oh, fuck it. This isn't really worth it.
approved Oct 5 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
An old dictionary definition for knickers, was short trousers worn by footballers, and by women as underclothes. This dates back to the time when knickers was short for knickerbockers, you see. It was quite acceptable at one stage in British history for men to say "let's put our knickers on and have a knockabout".
Anyway, the girl discovering this definition would ask the boys if they played football. Of course we did - we were boys. So she replies "you wear knickers", to which we, in turn, would say "don't be stupid".
approved Jul 10 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
pig
If you're wise to the "pretty, intelligent girl" conversion for PIG, then call the girl a PIP, which is the nice compromise of "pretty intelligent pig".
approved Sep 28 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
Alternatively:
A: What's your name?
B: B
A: (Point to your nose) What's this?
B: Nose
A: (Hold your hand out) What am I carrying?
B: Nothing
A: B knows nothing! He said so himself! He's shouting it from the rooftops!
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
I made you look, I made you stare,
I made you cut the barber's hair,
The barber's hair was full of dicks,
I made you eat them all but six.
The six dicks (dickies, or lice - not willies) could then stage a kind of post-apocolypse Friends.
approved Oct 1 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
If the victim inserts his finger into your circle in an attempt to reverse your win, you can close your fist and trap his finger, which grants you double reversies. Punch his arm twice as hard to let him know that you will not tolerate such insolence.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
Are you dumb or wise?
Wise.

I'm Morecambe! (slap victim's cheeks a la Eric Morecambe)
Are you weak or strong?
Strong.
I thought that strong smell was coming from you.
Ironically, this joke is fucking weak.
What's the worst thing you can buy from a second-hand shop?
What?
Second-hand bog paper. Do you get it?
Yes...
You get second-hand bog paper!
(See also The Gayly Mail, and Wanker's Cramp)
Are you a gay or a farmer?
A farmer.
Here's two acres for you... (punch victim in the balls)
(Probably rural, this one, as it implies that all non-farmers are gay, and that there is no horrific stigma attached to saying "I'm a farmer", which is stretching the imagination a little far...)
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert's dribbling spunk
Hugh Puked on Barney McGrew, Cuthbert dribbled on Grub

Trumpton nostalgia lost its charm in 1992, when a bar in Manchester called Barney McGrews opened its doors. This bar was immediately populated by groups of people saying;
  • Do you remember Trumpton?
  • God, how did it go again?
  • How did the windmill go on Camberwick Green?
  • No, that was Ivor the Engine.
  • Camberwick Green was one of the first spin-offs, actually.
  • Mork and Mindy was a spin-off too, you know. 100% fact.
  • Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert's dribbling spunk!!
  • Hugh Puked on Barney McGrew, Cuthbert dribbled on Grub!!!
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham, Craig Hudson