The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
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Nimin made his mark on the first day of school by throwing a stone at a seagull, breaking its wing and sending it spiralling to Earth. It's the kind of achievement you should save for the last day of the fifth year - young minds are not ready for the celebrity status gained from crippling a seagull.
Poor Nimin knew he could never surpass this feat, and fell in with a bad crowd. With his new friend, a boy who was left with metal / no teeth after a rugby accident, he soon resorted to snorting Coffee-Mate through biro casings.
People would walk past the table at which Nimin and his bond-villain friend would sit, snorting and regurgitating Coffee-Mate.
"Who's that?" one boy would ask.
"That's Nimin," another boy would reply. "And a boy with no / metal teeth."
"Nimin? The guy who crippled a Seagull?"
"That Nimin died long ago. Just keep walking."
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Name Withheld
As good a name as any for someone who tries to light a cigarette between his knees.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Name Withheld
Finding a tampon (easier at a time when period party bags have been handed out), soak it thoroughly in red ink, and tie to the spoke of your victim's umbrella. When he opens it up, the tampon will swing and slap around, dripping its cargo on the child's clothes and head until he looks up and - hopefully - screams like a prize bitch.
If you have more time on your hands, put one on every spoke, like a grisly cork hat.
Any boy so fucking pompous as to own an umbrella deserves to briefly believe he has menses on his face.
approved Jul 7 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Name Withheld
To get Jim suspended from school, squirt water from a teat pipette into your eye, then scream, throw the teat pipette to the floor, and tell the teacher that Jim squirted you in the eye with iodine.
If this works, consider telling your parents that your maths teacher slid his index finger into your arse.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Name Withheld