The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Tony Green
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The phrase poofs like bum love all afternoon allows school-children - or, if I'm being honest, army medics - to remember the parts of the left side of the heart. It also reminds you to be extra-diligent at lunchtime, when gay men are like Gremlins in a swimming pool.
approved Oct 17 2011, submitted Apr 20 2006 by Tony Green
When told to "just grow up" after an act of particularly childish misbehaviour a 13 year old Dennis stood on his chair and whilst making a kind of whooooosh - noise used hand gestures and miming to simulate pubic hair growing at a superhuman rate. He then began frowning and speaking in a comedic deep voice about 'Gardening, gardening gardening' and 'Overdraft, overdrafe, overdraft'. A fascinating take on the perception of adults by children which was completely lost on our teacher who marched him from the room while Dennis was in the middle of grumbling about interest rates.
approved Mar 30 2006, submitted Mar 20 2006 by Tony Green
Tony took time out of his busy schedule torturing small mammals to share this pearl of two-wheeled wisdom.

My bike made pain. The spinning, lumpy motor cross tyres when spinning at full revs created such a lethal weapon that its victims eyes were a sight to behold as henchmen forced their tear stained faces towards it. All the time I cranked the pedals faster like the winding of a Spanish Inquisition musical box. The whole torture was made all the more pleasurable by the dynamo attached to my rear tyre which would make the bike lights glow brightly when the revolutions were high enough to remove skin!
approved Jun 29 2007, submitted Mar 2 2006 by Tony Green
By contrast, my poorly funded state school experience of a similar incident occurred on a trip to France. It wasn't the hum of cack and puke that attracted us to Stephen Bell's unconscous, drunken body. It was the smell of Johnny Buchannon setting fire to his hair.
Poor kids eh? we should feel sorry for them, really.
approved Jan 28 2006, submitted Jan 26 2006 by Tony Green
Andrew came to school, every single day, with a packet of digestive biscuits. What a fat cunt was the general feeling until his biscuits were stolen, Andrew became extremely ill, and the children of Charlton Primary had something called 'diabetes' explained to them by spittingly-furious headmaster.
approved Apr 3 2006, submitted Dec 26 2005 by Tony Green
An ever-evolving gentlemen's society which began by setting up a club where three of us would all cram ourselves into a big drawer under a friend's bed and pull it closed.
When the (clearly) limited point of such a club was realised, it evolved its practices thusly:
Reading comics in the drawer.
Reading comics next to the drawer.
Putting George in the drawer.
Putting George in the drawer until he begged for release.
Hitting George.
Stealing from George.
The society was forced to disband with the arrival of homemade ninja weapons and a trip to hospital for George and his newly grounded friends.
approved Dec 20 2005, submitted Dec 7 2005 by Tony Green
I found that if you deviously manipulate your answers in an attempt to get it to say, perhaps, "vet" or "nurse", thus making you appear the "sensitive type", you are still highly unlikely to shag Sally Francis.
approved Dec 6 2005, submitted Dec 5 2005 by Tony Green
An elderly referee's desperate appeal for calm after a game of inter-school football amongst nine year olds became a no-holds-barred violence extravaganza.
Players PLEASE! subsequently became the standard response made by anyone kicked in the bollocks, always resulting in both kicker and kickee laughing together mannishly.
approved Dec 3 2005, submitted Dec 2 2005 by Tony Green
Whistful Carribean folk song that we were forced to sing in tuesday morning singing group. Such was the gusto which myself and my friend Philip sang (in thick and poor quality Jamaican accents)that we were asked to come up onto the stage to demonstrate our vocal talents to the rest of the class. While our enthusiasm had got us picked out for special praise, our inclusion of "Oooohkeeey mon!" between each verse only led to the head's office by a "deeply disappointed" music teacher.
approved Nov 15 2005, submitted Nov 11 2005 by Tony Green
Apparatus: Chlorine gas, a 'Griffin Savers' school bag and Richard Savage's head.
Method: Combine.
Conclusion: With his head bagged, Richard is both dead and alive according to quantum law; in a superposition of states. It is only when Creedy removes the bag and sees that although Richard WANTED to die during the experiment, he is in fact alive - that the superposition is lost.
approved Nov 11 2005, submitted Oct 19 2005 by Tony Green
I humbly nominate the number 10 as a gay number.

There are two reasons for this.

Firstly, when Adam Blanchard announced his tenth birthday, it went like this;
Adam Blanchard : I am ten today.
Martin Bradshaw : And you're a puff.
Secondly, it was the house number of my quiet, thin, and well-dressed friend Chris. Although he wasn't actually a botter himself, the air around him was thick with the smell of gay promise.
That's good enough for me, Tony. 10 joins 23 and 42, and is officially as gay as Michael Elphick's pony. Does anyone else have a gay number they'd like to share? I want every number from 1 to 100 gayed up before sundown.
approved Oct 7 2005, submitted Oct 6 2005 by Tony Green
If you are of the lower castes, and a higher ranking child says this to you with his hand outstretched and welcoming, run. Run away.
The best you can expect is a crushing handshake.
But it's rarely a lone wolf attack - to risk approaching someone as unpopular as you, there's usually going to be a bigger payoff. Chances are you'll be held in place while others come to laugh at the fact you dared to want or expect friendship. Often, there is violence.
Finally, the crowd will be overjoyed if the injustice causes you to howl "you liiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeed" before losing conscousness. They know they lied. That was the whole point. No wonder you get picked on.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Aug 26 2005 by Tony Green
A flippant remark, used to embellish the humour of someone falling or tripping over. Except by Martin Bradshaw, who used it as a war cry as he bayoneted Gareth Gurd's left roller-skate with a javelin pole.
approved Nov 17 2005, submitted Aug 22 2005 by Tony Green
A piece of graffiti which was scrawled on almost every wall, lampost, garage and fence between our school and Phil's front door. The perpetrator simply found the name Phil funny and its genius lay in the fact that it never specified what Phil would actually do if you dialed his number.
In spite of this ambiguity, it didn't stop Phil's parents sending him out into the dark and rainy night to scrub it all off.
approved Sep 12 2005, submitted Aug 22 2005 by Tony Green
Like cellar door, jism or flange: one of those words that rolls so sweetly off the tongue that you say it again and again and again, up until the moment when you introduce yourself as "Mr David Hysterectomy" to the drama teacher, and she runs out of the room.
Girls cry at anything!
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 12 2005 by Tony Green
During a Humanities lesson, our teacher was astonished (and completely terrified) by the sight of Dennis bursting into the room with a hammer from woodwork and wearing a crudely fashioned paper beard. He announced: "I am Sutcliffe!", did a twisty dance, and ran from the room. Where Dennis had come up with this piece of theatre is anybody's guess but he had many a detention to mull over his behaviour. But, try as they might, they couldn't break the would-be serial killer, and he signed my shirt "the youkshire ripper fan-club" on the last day of school. I hope he doesn't drive a lorry now!
approved Aug 5 2005, submitted Aug 4 2005 by Tony Green
Really unkind nickname given by the gentlemen of the 4th year to a classmate whose only misfortune was that his gran had just died.
approved Aug 5 2005, submitted Aug 3 2005 by Tony Green
Many years before children became properly aware of childhood illness issues we were sat down by our teacher and told we 'have to be nice to Craig as he has something wrong with him'. This, naturally, led to much speculation as to what it actually was, until the conclusion was reached that he had been born without a cock. This established, following craig into the toilets to see what he pissed with became something of a group activity. In retrospect possibly the only thing wrong with Craig was the fact that he didn't lash out at the oggling cock-staring pervos in his class. We never did find out as he didn't come back to school after the summer holidays. Maybe he just filled up with piss and burst.
approved Aug 5 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by Tony Green
During assembly our headmaster announced that our former German teacher who had an (unfounded)reputation for being gay was enjoying his new position at a boys school in Birmingham. The entire fourth year erupted in laughter and detentions whizzed through the year like bullets on the Somme. The casualty rate was high in those terrible minutes. Smirking and giggling with hand in front of face were vigorously dealt with while the two boys who began to simulate buggery while shouting "ich bin Herr Gay" were removed by Teacher snatch-squads and only returned some hours later after parental phone calls.
approved Aug 5 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by Tony Green
In response to the ruling of the cool kids that all boys had to support a football team, Gareth Gurd, a spoddy kid who knew nothing of cool or football, panicked. Thinking on his feet, he announced that he supported "Junkmey Rovers".
This ruse may have worked had he not attempted to converse with the cool kids about Junkmey's results. He finally came undone when he stated to Martin Bradshaw that they had recently thrashed Martin's team 15-nil.
And thus Junkmey Rovers, in spite of having no ground, players, kit or in fact existence of any kind, still had a fan who got his head kicked in on their behalf.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Aug 1 2005 by Tony Green