The Law of the Playground
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To make the ultimate static attack, you need to apply a straightened out paperclip onto your victim's teeth after getting your charge up.
You're all wrong, I'm afraid. The most eye-watering static attack is executed by lightly touching the tip of your victim's nose. Go on, try it. - Ponky
approved Dec 24 2005, submitted Dec 13 2005 by Pogglesnatch
John Hoggart used to march around the football field saying "NOTHING STANDS IN MY WAY" in a robot voice.

Using all the lessons you've learned from this website about human behaviour, can you guess what happened?

That's right! He was abducted, tortured to insanity, given bionic implants and made to fight polar bears. After ten years of battling the Arctic beasts, his implants were obsolete, and he was dumped on a glacier and left to sail away. This icy island sailed into mediterranean waters, and John Hoggart's still-sentient corpse was sailed around on an inflatable banana to ward off pirates. He was buried vertically, and two snakes now use his skull as a home. They are very much in love, and every morning they pop their head out of an eye socket each, and do a kiss.

Oh, you know I'm doing a fib, don't you? I'll come clean; people just stood in his way.
approved Dec 22 2005, submitted Nov 22 2005 by Pogglesnatch , Jon Blyth
1. Grab a roll of toilet paper
2. Put one end in the toilet and throw the roll to your friend in the next cubicle. Get your friend to tear it off and put his end in his toilet.
3. Flush both toilets simultaneously.

The winner is the toilet that pulls the bigger half of the paper down its greedy sluice.

A knock-out tournament can then be organised to discover the "ultimate toilet". Nick Ledwell was incredibly proud that he used the ultimate toilet until it was pointed out that this was the toilet that loved guzzling shit the most, making it the ultimate gay toilet. And so the ultimate toilet became the least-used toilet.
approved Nov 23 2005, submitted Nov 22 2005 by Pogglesnatch
There was one woman on an island (press 1).
There were 5000 men (+5000).
She shagged each of them seven times (x7).

Turn the calculator upside down to find out what she is. (Hint: the slack-fannied slag.)
approved Jul 14 2005, submitted Jul 12 2005 by Pogglesnatch
Girls should also be mindful of the colour of the pencil they would like to borrow from a boy. If a girl wants a pink or purple pencil, she wants to see your cock, and if she wants a brown pencil, she wants you to bum her.
No-one should ever try to borrow a yellow pencil.
approved Jun 13 2005, submitted Jun 4 2005 by Pogglesnatch
Meadowbank station (in Sydney) used to change their signs on quite a regular basis. They seem to have given up these days.

"Please vacate this seat for elderly or disabled passengers" can also be made into "Please eat elderly or disabled passengers", with hilarious consequences.
approved Jun 13 2005, submitted Jun 4 2005 by Pogglesnatch
A more complete version of the second verse runs as follows:

Next thing you know old Jed's in bed,
Beating his meat until his dick turns red,
The door swung open, and Granny came through,
He said "Come along granny, and have a wank too".
approved Apr 14 2005, submitted Jan 6 2005 by Pogglesnatch
Mr Boyd was banned from driving a car, after one too many tipsy-tours. This confined him to a scooter, and freed up the whole day for guilt-free drinking from a bottle he kept on his desk. This came to an end on the day that Nick Reid had a drink from his bottle.
Mr Boyd whipped around from the blackboard and yelled "Excuse me, I've already had my breakfast!"
We all sat there in silence, wondering what he was talking about. He then explained with the following: "If you're going to drink in my class, drink from a glass".
So, Nick asked if he could go and get a glass. "NO!" shouted Mr Boyd.
Cue five minutes of stunned silence. Mr Boyd just stood there, obviously livid by this point, and asked "What are you all looking at me for?"
"Because you're the teacher?" came the mousy reply from Joe Boyer. Pat then stormed out, allowing us a replacement teacher for the rest of the year.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Dec 3 2004 by Pogglesnatch
Another classic from the mouth of David Watson - apparently his grandfather had created a new serum which, when injected into the neck, allowed you to turn your head more than 180 degrees. Unfortunately, a teacher came into the classroom as we were testing if there was any serum in David's neck, thus forcing us to put up with this kind of shit for another 7 years.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by Pogglesnatch
The length of Simon Baptist's penis, which he told everyone at every given opportunity. Not in a "My dick's bigger than yours" kind of way, but in a "wow, i'm really happy with the way this has turned out" kind of way.
It's a fantastic time to be alive when someone gets the piss taken for having a bigger dick than yourself.
approved Jan 11 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by Pogglesnatch
"You pogglesnatch!" was the anguished wail of Bill Murchison whenever he was wronged.
Other scathing put-downs that he came out with were 'grankboggle', 'bogglewonk' and his finest hour - 'you saxophonist'.
(A brief googling shows that this website is the only one in the world to contain the words grankboggle or bogglewonk. What a coup! - Log)
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by Pogglesnatch
I actually saw a bogwashing happen once, to a young lad named Ben Tovey. Have you changed your name? Are you running from something? Are you trying to make the idea of bogwashing seem so whimsical and made-up that no one will ever accuse you of having been bogwashed? Huh, Ben? Well?

This deserves a reply. Come on, Alan. Are you really Ben, as Tom alleges? Did you get bogwashed, dammit? And if anyone else wants to ease the pain of those bogwashing memories by sharing them with the rest of the class, let us know forthwith. - Matt.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by Pogglesnatch
I believe that all of you need to brush up on your lingo. A good source of information would be the Atlas of Practical Proctology.
Correct terms involve: abnormal seepage, foreign excreta, unobstructed flow or cadbury marble.
Here's two I made up: 'Spink' (a shortening of pink spunk in the same way 'Spam' is a shortening of spiced ham); and, if there's a brown tinge and you're feeling continental, 'ejaculaffe au lait'. - Mansh
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by Pogglesnatch
Aged 11, Mr. Dobson decided that it was time the six boys in my class learned the facts of life. We were led into a separate room, whereupon Mr. Dobson turned a dark purple colour and announced "boys, over the next few years you'll experience a lot of changes."

We were then escorted back to class.
approved Feb 17 2005, submitted Nov 30 2004 by Pogglesnatch
Be prepared for any occasion when a teacher is about to break into one of those "I'm aware that blah blah, but you can't just blah blah" lectures. The wind will be taken out of her sails if you shout "WOLF!" as soon as she says "I'm aware".

The class can then have a heated Q & A session with the teacher about what it's like to be a werewolf, and how she caught lycanthropy.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Nov 23 2004 by Pogglesnatch
A fantastic game played at Ashfield High School in New South Wales (Australia).
Get everyone's pencil sharpeners, and remove the blades. You may need a screwdriver.
Then, turn the ceiling fans up to full, and when the time seems right, yell "duck or get stabbed", and throw the blades into the fan.
Children and teacher alike would then dive under their desks to avoid receiving a chaotic facial slash.
This being Australia, the teacher probably didn't cry and leave the teaching profession forever. She probably said "heh, nice one, blue" before hopping onto a jetski and doing a double-dunny in Gedunga Bay, or something like that.
approved Nov 19 2004, submitted Nov 17 2004 by Pogglesnatch
Actually, I used to repair Hysteroflators for a living (used for endoscopic surgery). If the uterus is inflated at a rate faster than 0.2 litres per minute, you run the risk of bursting it. Killing a woman in this manner, whilst possible, would involve creating an airtight seal and blowing very hard.
approved Nov 1 2004, submitted Oct 24 2004 by Pogglesnatch
As a means of "getting the immaturity out of the way", on the first day of our sex education, all the boys were told to write every word they knew for 'vagina' on the black board. Out came bearded clam, hairy axe wound et al. Then all the girls were asked to write every word they knew for 'penis'. Unfortunately, they were all too shy.
So Mr. Scandrett, in his infinite wisdom, decided that the boys should just go ahead and write all the words they knew for 'penis'. Cue shrieks of embarrassment from the girls, culminating in one of the more sensitive ones suddenly running out of class, crying.
The name that set her off? - 'purple-headed custard chucker', which was then shouted at her at random moments throughout the rest of the year.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Oct 20 2004 by Pogglesnatch